November 1st, A Reason To Celebrate

Well folks, I have two days left of Halloween Horror Nights.  That's right, two days!  It seems like just yesterday that I got the job and quickly moved back down to Orlando.  When I first got down here, there was a period where I wasn't working and I was just auditioning for anything and everything.  Once HHN started, I barely had time to sit down.  I'm getting used to being the busybee that I used to be and I enjoy that a lot!  I loved having a full work schedule again, I didn't realize how much I missed it.  I'm so grateful for this opportunity, it got me back to Orlando, back to Universal, and back to a familiar way of life for me.  And for those of you who haven't heard, I got cast in the Macy's parade at Universal for the Christmas season.  So after a couple weeks of downtime and Thanksgiving with my family in sunny Florida, I'll begin rehearsals for that.

It is November 1st.  For those of you who know me well, this day is significant because this is the day I start listening to Christmas music (and hopefully the day Starbucks has their red cups!) I'm a Christmas nut, it's my favorite time of year and I like to get prepared early.  Everything about Christmas makes me smile, plus my birthday is just a few weeks before Christmas so the weeks leading up are always fun.  However, this year, I found myself dreading November 1st as time crept closer.  This is my first Christmas without Dave.  I hated the fact that I was dreading Christmas this year, that's never happened.  But it's going to get here whether I like it or not and somehow, I need to get myself past this "first".  When I first got back to Orlando, I told my friends how I was feeling.  All of them said the same thing: that they know times will be hard but they were willing to step up this season and make sure that this is one of the best Christmases I ever had.  I wanted to believe everyone but mostly, I wanted to know that I would have some work lined up for the holidays.  I just felt like if I had some kind of Christmas related job, it would help me a lot and keep me semi distracted from the fact that Dave was not here with me.  I kept asking God to change my heart, I didn't want to be bitter this season.  It wasn't until about two weeks ago when I received the news that I had been cast in Macy's that my views of this Christmas finally changed and I found myself looking forward to it again, just like I did when I was a kid!

Christmas isn't just a fun time of year, it's also when I celebrate the birth of my savior.  Had it not been for Jesus's birth, we would have no hope for eternal life and I would lose any chance of seeing Dave and all my other loved ones again.  But that's not the case, Dave was a man of God and he's preparing for his first heavenly Christmas.  He loved this time of year just as much as I do and never objected when I blasted my music on November 1st, he actually encouraged it.  We were both like little kids again but we also remembered the real reason we celebrate is for God and the gift He gave us in His Son.  Dave would not want me or any of us who loved him to be down in the dumps this year.  He still wants me to be the same Kate that went nuts during Christmas, drank peppermint mochas and caramel brulee lattes every day, and trek down to Disney to see the Osborne lights and the Candlelight Processional.  And I could hear him on this Halloween night nudging me to turn on my Christmas music when I got home.  There's no reason not to.  I've got a job for the holidays, I have amazing family and friends who are wanting to celebrate this time with me, and I have a Savior who deserves an amazing birthday celebration.

As I typed this blog on November 1st, I opened up my Spotify Christmas list and turned on Mariah Carey's All I Want For Christmas Is You.  And now all I want to do is listen to all of my Christmas songs and go get a peppermint mocha in the Starbucks holiday cup :) it looks like I won't be a grinch this year after all.  There will be some bittersweet moments for sure but overall, it's going to be a beautiful season, just like God intended for it to be.  There's always a reason to be joyful, even if it's just seeing those gorgeous sparkling crystal lights on Cinderella Castle <3

Hakuna Matata, It Means No Worries

It's been quite awhile since I blogged, I think over a month!  It is now 12:01 in Orlando so today is 7 months since Dave left this world and joined Christ and many of our loved ones in heaven.  As far as where I'm at, I'm almost too busy to think about where I am emotionally.  Since I started working HHN at Universal, my schedule has been non stop with working five nights a week and preparing to move into my new apartment!  For those of you who know me well, you know what a blessing that has been for me!  And I'm enjoying it now since I may not have anything else for awhile when this run is done in November.  But come November, I have a trip to Key West with my best friends and sis in law for our 25th bdays and soon after that, my parents will be in town for Thanksgiving.  So even if I don't get work right away, I'll still have things to look forward to but I'm confident that sooner than later, God will put another job and/or project in my path.  He created me to be a girl on the go, He knows my desires and He's called me back to Orlando for a reason.  Though things haven't fallen in place quite like they did this summer, I still feel so much more at peace here and more like myself again.  There are some bittersweet and frustrating days but overall, I'm so happy living here again!  The sun, the beach, the crazy tourist filled theme parks, that's where I belong right now.  I keep reading verses and devotions about being at peace where you currently are, don't rush the waiting period because it can do more harm than good.  It doesn't get much clearer than that.

Tonight, I was reading posts on Dave's wall from when he first passed away and from a few weeks after his memorial service.  The more I read, the more I began to think about who I am and what I've done.  I never realized until Dave's death what an impact he made on so many people.  People who range from 13 years old to 70 have told me the ways that Dave influenced them and some of them never even met him or barely knew him.  And when you think about an influential person, you think of someone with a major title or job position, such as FDR, Steve Jobs, Martin Luther King Jr, or someone who maybe isn't famous but has a masters degree and is the CEO of a major company or has started their own successful business.  At least that's what I used to think of when someone asked me who I thought was inspirational.  Now that I look back on Dave's short life, he didn't do any of that.  He never had a major salaried job, he never became famous, he never finished college, and he never made a lot of money.  He never held a high position in a church, he simply played his guitar in many worship bands because, in his words, "that's when he felt closest to God and when he felt he was truly speaking to Him."  He never preached a sermon from a pulpit or became an international missionary, he took whatever trips he could afford and showed the love of Christ to everyday people in his own backyard.  Unlike me, he didn't worry about who he was or what people thought of him, he was comfortable in his jeans and flip flops and worshiped God in his own way.  Unlike me, he forgave and didn't hold grudges, he was not one to judge people he didn't know, and he would welcome anyone into his life no matter who they were or what they did.  As his best friend Eric said at his service, if we could sum up Dave in one word, it would be loyalty.  He encouraged me in my walk with Christ and was ready to be a true spiritual leader.

This past Sunday, I was in Sunday School and our leader talked about many traits of Jesus, including His love for all of mankind, His simple lifestyle, the age He died (33), and how many people rejected Him because He was about to make an impact on the world.  The more she talked about Jesus, the more I realized how very much like Him Dave was.  Unlike Jesus, Dave wasn't perfect and he had flaws just like everyone else.  But when I think about each of those traits, I can't help but think how close to Christ Dave really was.  He didn't Bible thump people or preach the gospel verbally 24/7, he chose to bond and form friendships with these people in the hopes that his actions would plant the seed and if needed, he would use words and use them well.  Dave died three weeks before his 33rd birthday, right around the age that Jesus was nailed to the cross.  I say if one is going to die young, that is just about the best and holiest age to go.  It almost makes sense to me now, God knew that Dave's work here would be done in a short amount of time and on March 8, it was time for him to join his Savior and enjoy his heavenly reward.  

When I think about the huge turnout at Dave's visitation and memorial service, my heart swells with pride knowing what an amazing guy God brought into my life.  For some reason, Dave felt a connection with me and chose me of all women to be his wife.  To this day, I don't know what the hell he was thinking :) he could've done soooooo much better than me but boy am I glad that he had the grace and patience to stick by my side for almost two years and love me unconditionally every second of every day.  It's a comfort to me when people tell me they had never seen him happier since the day he'd met me.  He always said that even on my worst day, he would rather come home and fight with me all night long than go and get some from another girl.  That alone defined him as a man, a husband, and a friend.

I've been thinking about my walk with Christ and how can I improve like Dave did.  The main thing I will be working on is the biggest lesson that Dave taught me: DON'T WORRY!  Life is too short to worry about anything, God is bigger than any of our problems.  I know many people are struggling since the government shut down and I completely understand their concerns.  But I also hope that those people will find comfort in God's blessings and power.  Those who seek Him and cry out to Him will be blessed, maybe not in the ways that you had hoped or expected, but He will not leave anyone hanging!  Some people are worried about fessing up to things they've done because they're worried people will reject them.  If people do reject you, they're not worth your time, real friends stick by you no matter what.  Some people are worried about finding a significant other and rush into relationships to satisfy that longing and end up settling.  DON'T DO IT!  A broken heart from a breakup is so much harder to recover from and it will always do more harm than good and settling down with someone you aren't 100% sure you should be with is just as harmful.  I learned the hard way a few times that rushing into a relationship never ends well unless you're the lucky exception that somehow makes it work.  Always always always pray and take some time before entering into a relationship, the wait will always be worth it.

So what will people say at our funerals?  Who will show up?  Who will be there to comfort our loved ones?  We hear this a lot but when someone so close to you dies so young, it hits closer to home and you realized that time is running out.  If you died today, would you have any regrets?  What examples did you set for others?  When people looked at your life, would they say that you lived a bold Christ filled life and you are worshiping Him face to face or would people worry that you didn't make it to heaven?  Would people really care what jobs you held or what kind of money you made?  Would anyone remember how big your house was or what car you drove?  Would anyone remark on how perfect you were at everything you did?  These are just a handful of questions that come to my mind when I think of the example I set now and how much work God still has left for me.

With all that being written, my goal from here on out is going to be very simple: don't worry!  Worrying creates unnecessary stress and anxiety and ain't nobody got time for that.  That was the biggest lesson Dave ever taught me and I hope I'll never forget it.  It goes with everything in life, especially who I am as a person and who I believe God has called me to be.  I'm not one to quote every Bible verse or go around yelling Jesus' name everywhere I go.  But all I know is when I write my blogs, I never say anything I don't mean.  The Bible is my main source and everything points back to it but I also am a firm believer that God will speak to us in many other ways.  I know He does because he's done it for me many times throughout my life, whether it's through a dream, an occasional vision, or a guitar shaped cloud in the sky at the beach to symbolize my husband's presence with Him :) Dave is still with me and will constantly remind me to just "chill out" so that one day, when my life comes to an end and we're finally reunited, he can smile at me and say "wow baby, look at the life you lived, listen to what people are saying about you and how faithful you were in your spiritual walk.  Now go get a glass of wine so we and God can make a toast to your homecoming"

Forgive and Forget

I'm not sure why I feel compelled to write this particular post.  Well, I kind of know why.  The past few years, I've heard many stories of people who say that they have been let down by a church or ministry that they were a part of.  And I sadly admit that often times, I would brush these people off thinking that they were being too sensitive or that they were just searching for an excuse to stop going to church.  I thought these were just cop outs.....until it happened to me, close friends of mine, and when I heard Dave's story of his painful time in Memphis.  Recently, I feel like I've heard too many of these stories and that saddens me.  While I know you can't believe everything you hear and there's always two sides to every story, when something like this happens to you, you begin to see a different side of things.  However, in the end, it's up to you how you want to handle it.  Thankfully, I never lost my faith and while Dave almost lost his, he came back to Christ when he moved to Orlando (thank you UCMC worship team!!)

Awhile back, I was involved in a group that thrived on excellent leadership, strong discipleship, and a goal to preach the gospel.  When I first became involved, my faith grew tremendously and I began to experience the love of Christ like I never had before.  I found myself praying more, laughing more, and worrying less.  I can't describe the joy I felt when I was there.  I finally began to let my guard down because I felt like I was being who I was supposed to be and no one was going to condemn me for being me.  However, as I got more involved in leadership, something shifted.  Some changes had been made and things got more difficult and complicated.  Communication had reached an all time low and I felt that everyone was always tense around each other.  I noticed more gossip and more criticism....and a lot seemed to be directed towards me.  I was in a tricky stage of life and I felt like no one cared about my life or what I did (unless I did something wrong).  I went from being prayed for and encouraged on a daily basis to being completely ignored (unless I did something wrong).  Someone who used to be the one I confided in suddenly began telling my personal business to other people as well as telling me other peoples' business.  Another person told me that they were not going to encourage me and build me up because they were trying to prepare me for the "real world" of work (even though they encouraged everyone else around them).  I found myself becoming a bitter angry person and I hated who I was.  I shut down completely and cried often because I didn't know who I was anymore and I didn't know who I could trust.  And sadly, I felt like God didn't like me anymore.  I thought I had let Him down because I felt like such a horrible person and He hated the person I was.  What greater lie is there than God hating you as a person?!  The people closest to me noticed a difference and a few flat out said "we don't like the person you've become".  I didn't like my every move (good and bad) being watched and critically analyzed on a regular basis and it took a toll in my spiritual growth.  I felt everyone was trying to "fix me" and yes, I had some "fixing" that needed to be done but I felt like overall, I was a girl who loved Christ and when I messed up, I fessed up.  God had forgiven me but I felt that no one else had and they were going to hold my mistakes over me forever.  I often asked myself "why is everyone picking at JUST me?  Am I really that horrible of a person??"

As things got worse, I made a decision on a whim to leave the group and never look back.  I felt like I was trapped and I just needed to get out and get out quickly before I snapped.  Looking back, I shouldn't have left so quickly, I should've left with a clear heart and no bitterness.  But I didn't and that's something I had to work through.  I eventually carried this bitterness and insecurity into my relationship with Dave and that's when he opened up to me and told me about his experience with a Christian school in Memphis and how some of those people had hurt him deeply.  I realized at that point that I wasn't alone and if anything, Dave was a beacon of hope for me because he was able to put the past behind him and move forward in his relationship with Christ.  But I know he couldn't have done it alone, he needed the help of fellow believers who would love him for who he was and not try to change him.  He found that at University Carillon Methodist Church, Mike and the worship team embraced him and his bare guitar playing feet and I will always be thankful for their involvement in his walk.

To make myself clear, this post is NOT intended to cut people down or bad mouth anyone.  This post is for people like me, Dave and others we both knew, who have been hurt by fellow believers.  And for those of you who haven't, you will.  It's a part of life, we can't avoid it.  And often times, it will be out of our control and completely uncalled for.  However, what is in our control is what we take away from all of it and how we handle it.  Are you going to leave with a bitter heart or will you prayerfully consider mending these relationships before you go?  If you're forced to leave, don't turn away from church, those actions are from a small group of people but not all churches will be like that!  If people are not encouraging you in your relationship with your significant other but you know in your heart that God wants you to be together, stay together!  If your accountability partner is not bringing you closer to Christ, don't be accountability partners with them.  Learn the difference between criticism and concern, judgement and accountability, and, if I'm not being too bold, the difference between Christians and Christ.  There is a difference!  As Christians, we will mess up but Christ will never ever mess up.  Christians might try and bring you down but Christ never will.  Christians might leave you in your times of trouble, but Christ never will.  That's the difference, Christians aren't perfect but Christ is.  He is the only one who has the right to judge your life BUT it's up to you to listen to Him!

On that note, if you have been hurt and you still feel bitterness, cut those people some slack and forgive them.  Christ has forgiven them and so should you.  I'm not exactly the face of forgiveness so I will tell you, do as I say, not as I do :) but in the end, I've learned it's so much easier to forgive and forget.  If you can't trust that person, don't hang out with them and if you want to be friends with them again, great!  But don't be someone you're not, be yourself.  Do you think that everyone thinks I'm a good example?  I'm not perfect, I never will be.  But I will never be someone I'm not just to please others.  I'm Kate, that's who I am and that's who Dave fell in love with.  I will always strive to be better but I can't change my past and I never will.  I've been forgiven through Christ and so has everyone else in the world.  Leave your past behind, look forward, and see what God is going to do with your life.  Dave was himself all his life and didn't listen to anyone who tried to "fix him" and turn him into a completely new person.  He strived to be the best David Adams he could be and didn't care what anyone thought of him.  That same person is living large in heaven because he gave himself to Christ and that's all Dave cared about pleasing.  That's the biggest lesson I learned from him, he never wanted me to be anyone but me.  Search for those people who will build you up, they are the ones that you can learn from and they are the ones that will end up having practically half of Orlando show up at their funeral because they impacted so many people!  God loves you for who you are and He's not hard to please.  Leave the bitterness behind, tomorrow is always a brand new day.

"You have heard that it was said, love your neighbor and hate your enemy.  But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you"
-Matthew 5:43-44

Seeing the Light

Once again, one of Kate's late night blogs.  I'm telling you, I can't be normal and function during the day like other people, I always have these urges to write in the middle of the night.  Dunno why but that's when I do most of my deep thinking.  Mostly, I felt compelled to write because I realized I haven't written since I made my move back to Orlando and lots of people are asking how I've been since coming back here.  Obviously, most everyone is expecting me to have some rough days ahead, I am of course back in the city where Dave and I first began, I'm back in the area where we had our first and only home together, and I'm back where he took his last breath, left his earthly possessions behind, and made his way to his heavenly home.  Right now, I'm staying in Oviedo, which is right next to Orlando, and I'm living with a family that knew Dave really well and loved him since the day they met him at University Carillon Church.  They said I could stay with them until I hear results from my auditions and can finalize my living situation.  And they're not the only ones that offered a place for me to stay, many of my and Dave's friends have stepped up and said they'll help me in whatever I need.  Talk about awesome, generous people in my life!  I don't have my car down here yet either so my in laws lent me their pickup truck until my parents bring my car and the rest of my stuff.  Yep, that's right, this girl is driving a truck right now.  How Arkansan of me, right?

I had my orientation at Universal for HHN last Wednesday so I'm officially back there :) Rehearsals will start in about a week and a half and the event will premiere in a month.  I can't wait to do this, I've heard it's so much fun!  I've done a few other auditions, many which haven't worked out and that's definitely expected in entertainment.  But they're all the types of auditions that include a type out, which means they need people of certain height and certain size for the roles they're currently looking for.  So at least it has nothing to do with my skill levels, I can't control my height or build lol.  Although for a few weeks, with the exception of a Royal Caribbean audition in Hollywood, FL, I'm going to take a step back from auditions until I hear results from the ones I've already done.  I've done my part for now so I'll wait and see what God wants to do with me next.  If Royal Caribbean doesn't work out, I'll go back to Orlando and continue auditioning until the next project comes along.  An entertainer's life is unpredictable and very unstable at times but I've never been one to play it safe (except when I played Red Rover in elementary school).  I'm also apartment hunting and I've got a couple of prospects.  Now it's just a matter of figuring out finances and which location will be most convenient.  I'm not lying when I say I'm starting from scratch.  It's not easy and it's frustrating at times but I also have to remember that I didn't bring this upon myself, life happened, it was out of my control, and I had to start at the bottom again.

However, I already see progress in my life.  I was reading my blog from April when I talked about Dave's death and where I was at that moment in life.  I believe I said something along the lines of "I'm back in Arkansas and just waiting to see what God wants me to do next."  Little did I know that four and a half months later, I'd be back in Orlando, back at Universal, and reunited with old friends!  Last night, when hanging out with some friends, I realized that it's almost been six months since Dave passed away.  That's half a year!  A part of me feels like it just happened but another part of me feels like that was a lifetime ago.  My friends then pointed out how much I've changed and look at what all I've done in these past six months.  I've done more auditions this summer than I have in the past five years and I forgot how much I love performing and feeling that anticipation of an audition and that excitement of a callback.

People have told me that one day, I would see some good come out of Dave's death.  Don't get me wrong, I miss him every day and if given the chance to have him back, I would.  But I'm already seeing the light in all of this.  Had this not happened, I probably wouldn't have come back to Orlando.  Had this not happened, I wouldn't be able to do any of these auditions and get that experience and knowledge that comes with it.  And had this not happened, I would still be worrying about everything in life and trying to take control.  I have no control over ANYTHING in life, that's all in God's hands.  So even though some days are frustrating, I also know God will not leave me hanging.  He has me back in Orlando for many reasons and slowly but surely I will figure out those reasons.  But for now, I'm grateful that I have a job that will last me through the beginning of November and I have a huge support system both here and in Arkansas.  So if I'm already seeing this much good in a short amount of time, I can only imagine what I will discover for years to come.

Once again, I've consistently had a song stuck in my head for the past week I've been in Orlando.  That's definitely how God knows I'll listen to Him, through music (one of many things Dave and I had in common).  It's called "By Faith" by Keith and Kristyn Getty.  By faith, I left a secure life in Arkansas and came back to Orlando.  By faith, I'm trusting that God will provide for me in all the ways needed.  And by faith, since March 8, I continued to pray and live my life one day at a time, knowing there's a reason I'm still here because as the song says "til the race is finished and the work is done, we'll walk by faith and not by sight."  If at any time anyone struggles with a decision in life, listen to this song and walk by faith.  You can never go wrong with prayer, it will never ever fail you.

"By Faith"

By faith we see the hand of God 
In the light of creation's grand design 
In the lives of those who prove His faithfulness 
Who walk by faith and not by sight 

By faith our fathers roamed the earth 
With the power of His promise in their hearts 
Of a holy city built by God's own hand 
A place where peace and justice reign 

We will stand as children of the promise 
We will fix our eyes on Him our soul's reward 
Till the race is finished and the work is done 
We'll walk by faith and not by sight 

By faith the prophets saw a day 
When the longed-for Messiah would appear 
With the power to break the chains of sin and death 
And rise triumphant from the grave 

By faith the church was called to go 
In the power of the Spirit to the lost 
To deliver captives and to preach good news 
In every corner of the earth 

We will stand as children of the promise 
We will fix our eyes on Him our soul's reward 
Till the race is finished and the work is done 
We'll walk by faith and not by sight 

By faith this mountain shall be moved 
And the power of the gospel shall prevail 
For we know in Christ all things are possible 
For all who call upon His name 

We will stand as children of the promise 
We will fix our eyes on Him our soul's reward 
Till the race is finished and the work is done 
We'll walk by faith and not by sight

Here We Go Again!

Five months have gone by since I lost Dave.  Four and a half months have gone by since I moved back to Arkansas.  Three months have gone by since I made the decision to go back to Orlando.  And about nine days have gone by since I scored my first job in Orlando, was told I need to be there for orientation, and set a date to move back, which would give me less than two weeks to move 1,200 miles!!! (My gut told me that was going to happen but there's still no way to prepare for that).  I'm using this post to inform everyone of these past few months of making that decision, how I got there, and where I hope to be.

Most people have told me that they knew from day one that I was going to go back to Florida, even those who were expecting the original plan of Dave and I moving there together.  I think my parents even took bets on how long they thought we'd last in Arkansas.  I wish I would've known all of that so I wouldn't have struggled for weeks as to what choice to make lol.  Obviously, my life did a complete turnaround and I assumed that going back to Arkansas was the right thing to do.  Now I really didn't have a choice because by the time Dave died, I had told Universal I was quitting and we had already terminated our apartment lease.  So I didn't have many options and I figured I was supposed to go to Arkansas because being in Orlando would be too traumatic for me so God was offering me an escape.  So when I got to Arkansas, despite feeling so empty and out of place, I pushed on because I didn't want to go back to Orlando.  It would be too hard and I thought my time there was up.  So I pushed through each day and prayed every day that God would give me a reason to live again.  I had not only lost my husband but I felt like I lost everything and I really didn't have a will to live.  But I knew I was still alive for a reason so I needed to be patient and find out what my next step would be (it was of course going to be in Arkansas since my time in Orlando was up, remember?)  One of my mom's friends, Mrs. Edwards, had even messaged me and kind of nudged the idea of me moving back to Orlando fairly soon.  I told her I'd think about it but I honestly wasn't sure because again, Arkansas was the place I was clearly meant to be.  I said yes I'd go back and visit but I didn't think I'd ever want to move back.  I didn't even miss it THAT much.....yet.  

I will never forget the day I first realized how much I actually did miss Orlando.  It was April 17, the day after my niece Amelia was born.  Her older sister, Claire, was staying with me and my parents and we were watching TV that morning.  We first watched Jake and the Never Land Pirates and I remember thinking "awww, I miss that pirate", he and I were best friends at Disney :) that made me miss Disney and then, right after that show was over, Claire's favorite show comes on.  Yep, that's right, Dora comes on TV and that's what REALLY made me miss my friends and my job!  That was the first time I really truly felt homesick for Orlando and I asked myself "what are you doing here?"  Then I answered myself (I promise I'm not crazy) and said "because God removed you from Orlando for a reason.  All you need to do is just go back for a visit."  So I asked my mom if we could visit earlier than late July because I couldn't wait that long.  That's why we ended up there for two weeks in June.  Plus, I had a Fort Lauderdale trip planned for May and another Orlando trip in late July.  So I was set, I wouldn't be homesick anymore right? 

A week later, Dave's parents returned to Orlando from their road trip to Arkansas and other locations.  My father in law sent an email thanking everyone for their hospitality and said something along the lines of while he and Adrienne enjoyed themselves, they were happy to be back in the sunshine and warm weather.  I read that sentence and thought "wow, I miss that weather.  That sounds better than this snow in May that we're having."  From that point, I kept seeing little things that reminded me of Orlando, including a ton of commercials for Universal.  I began to pray (a lot!) and secretly searched for jobs and auditions online but I didn't want to tell anyone that I wanted to go back because I hadn't been in Arkansas very long so I thought everyone would disagree with my thinking and tell me to wait longer.  However, my mom knew me better than that.  We were talking one night about what to do with the stuff that's in storage in Orlando.  The original plan was to bring it all back to Arkansas when we got down there in June but she made the point of "idk if we should make that decision yet.  What if you decide to go back?"  That's when I told her and my dad that I was homesick and I wanted to move back.  While they would rather me be closer, they also came out and said they weren't surprised at all.  So Mom and I decided the trip in June would be fun but also used for auditions and apartment hunting.  

However, I still wanted a "non biased" point of view.  My parents were supportive but they're also just like everyone else's parents and tend to worry about everything.  So I wanted to talk to an adult who knew me, knew my situation, knew my family, but could also give me a straight answer.  I knew the perfect man for that job would be my former youth pastor, Steve Alberts.  When I went to talk to him, I laid everything out on the table.  Questions, concerns, circumstances, consequences, you name it.  After listening to me rant for about 20 minutes, Steve said to me "what I'm getting is, you consider Arkansas your childhood home, and you will always love it.....but Orlando has become your true home.  And from what I hear you say and what I know about you, my advice is go home to Orlando and go as soon as possible.  The first door that opens to go back, take it!"  The night before, I had prayed that God would give me that "final sign" of whether I should stay or go.  That was my sign, Steve and so many others were supporting my decision, including my grandfather who is definitely the kind of person who speaks his mind and doesn't hold back.  Now that I had made that decision, I needed to inform everyone in Orlando so I could use them for job and apartment connections.  I received such a warm and excited response from everyone and that confirmed my decision even more.  I knew that going back was going to be rough and bittersweet at times but how wonderful it was to know that I had so many loved ones who were anxiously awaiting my permanent return.  

Now for you logistical and rational people, here are my top reasons for moving back to Orlando (I have many actually).  First off, it's the town where I've experienced the most insane amount growth, heartache, pain, and joy.  Going through things like these makes you stronger and it can help if you're far from home and you don't have your parents to fall back on.  It's a weird melting pot of emotions for me but for some reason, I always think more about the great times I had there rather than the hard ones.  Had it not been for that town and my time, I wouldn't have gotten to experience all these times and begin growing into the woman that I will eventually become.  To me, home is a place where you experience the highest of highs and the lowest of lows but you still think about that place called home and you can't help but feel grateful for it.  That's how Orlando feels to me 

2. Dave and I decided to move to Fayetteville because it's more family friendly and more geared towards younger married couples.  Plus, I thought Dave would be able to find better work there.  I had had my amazing jobs in Orlando so it was his turn to take over and have the awesome job.  Orlando was always more of a "Kate town", it's got the entertainment and performing connections which are needed for a crazy theatrical person like myself :) and I love the bond you feel with fellow performers.  Most of us are not from Orlando, we're single people in our 20's, and we're just trying to get by.  We've come to Orlando from all over the country (even the world for some) and we all have one common goal: to do what we love and get paid for doing it.  At Universal, I had this bond with many people and that's how I made some of my best friends

3. The people in Fayetteville are so wonderful to me and they all know me and love me so much....but hardly any of them knew Dave.  Besides my family, no one in Fayetteville was directly affected by Dave's death.  Meanwhile in Orlando, there are people who have been there since the beginning of our friendship, relationship, engagement, cheered us on as we walked down the aisle, and cried with me as we celebrated Dave's amazing life together.  There's more grieving on that side of the Mississippi River, it's a connection thing.  Again, I appreciate the people in Fayetteville so so much but I just need to be with people who kind of understand what I'm going through.  

It's going to be different and it won't always be easy.  But it's going to be the best thing for me.  I like to think that if I can survive what I went through in March, that I'm ready to face whatever else life will throw at me.  On August 12, 2007, I took a bold leap of faith and moved to Orlando to see where my life would go.  Coincidentally, on August 12, 2013, I'll be taking that same leap of faith to see what's going to happen in Orlando: Part Two.  I succeeded there before and with that same divine intervention, I'll do it again!  I'm confident that Dave approves of this decision, all I know is he would want me to be happy and live life to the fullest like he did.  It might make life crazy and out of control but in the end, that's how I like it!  My monologue this summer has actually been about a girl on a rollercoaster.  How appropriate is that!? 

Thank you so much to all my loved ones in Fayetteville who have done so much for me these past four and a half months.  I know I rag on Arkansas a lot but I will miss some aspects of it, like the fall leaves and the local hot spots.  You are all very special people and I'm so grateful for your support.  And thank you to my Orlando family and friends for encouraging me so much in my move, helping me get to auditions, and offering me places to stay!  I can't do this without all of your help so it's because of all of you that I'm getting this chance to come back!

Look out O Town, I'm finally coming your way!!!! :) 

Help Me Find It

Talk about taking a leap of faith!  Ten days ago, I was sitting in a local coffee shop with my mom, one of my childhood friends, and her mom.  I decided to check my email on my phone and the first thing that pops up is auditions for seasonal shows at Universal, Grinchmas being one of them.  I immediately showed the email to my mom and asked "can I go????"  She said she would look at some flights and see if she could find something.  Now normally, I would just let this go and just accept the fact that I wouldn't be there for those auditions.  But for me, this was not going to be just another audition.  Last year, Dave and I went to see a few of my friends perform in Grinchmas and he kept saying to me "babe, why didn't you audition for that? Look how cute you would've been!"  And at that point, we had decided to move back to Arkansas so he knew he would never get to see me "play around in Whoville" and I could tell he was mildly disappointed about that.  I have no idea why he was so hell bent on me auditioning for Grinchmas but he was for some reason so I promised him that next time I got the opportunity, I'd do it.  That afternoon in the coffee shop, the opportunity was presenting itself and I knew I had to go!  I knew there was a good chance that I wouldn't get even get a call back because there's a LOT of talented people in central Florida but I kept telling Mom that if I didn't go, I was going to regret it and I'd jump in the car and drive myself down there if I needed to.  

We both began looking at flights and thought we'd found one.  I'd fly into Orlando on Friday night and get back on Sunday afternoon.  I said that works and began asking friends in Orlando if I could stay with them and who would be willing to drive me to my audition.  The next morning, Mom texted me and said the prices went up $150.  My heart sank, I couldn't believe it  I spent the rest of the day in seclusion because I couldn't understand why God couldn't just help me out here, I wasn't doing this audition purely for myself, I was also doing it in my husband's honor.  We finally found something that was cheaper but it would require me missing one day of another theatre camp.  I immediately messaged a few people from the theatre and asked if someone could cover that first day for me.  At that point, my head was about to explode and I was feeling very anxious so I decided to go walk around the nearby park and clear my head.  That helped tremendously and better yet, when I got home, I had a message that said someone would cover for me and I had permission to go to Florida (thank you Mark and Jules!!)  I called my mom and she booked the flight for me and 24 hours later, I was on a plane to Orlando :)

I auditioned Saturday afternoon and I'm not going to lie, this one was nerve wracking.  It wasn't just another audition to me, this was something I was doing for Dave and I just wanted more than anything to make him proud.  I rehearsed my song and monologue in my head over and over again because I wanted it to be perfect.  Not to mention, I haven't done any auditions that require singing in about two years so I was kind of rusty.  Well, I walked into the audition, did my thing, and had the casting directors laughing a lot (which I wanted, both the song and monologue are supposed to be funny) so I left feeling fairly confident.  At the end, I found out that I got three callbacks, one of them being for Grinchmas!  I called my mom and texted a few friends and left on such a high, knowing that coming to Orlando was the right choice!  I had to overcome a few obstacles to get there but it happened.  This isn't the end, I need to nail the callbacks next week and hope that I'm what they're looking for.  But even if I don't get cast, I can live the rest of my days knowing that I did everything I could to fulfill one of Dave's wishes for me.  Plus, it's just always nice to get a callback, it definitely boosts one's confidence :) 

I hope this is the beginning of life finally moving upward for me and hopefully, one of these callbacks will lead to a job and back to Orlando soon.  As time goes on, I feel that my time in Arkansas is soon going to come to a close and I'll begin "Orlando: Chapter 2".  This time of my life is giving me a renewed hope, that hitting rock bottom might one day be worth it, that one day my life is going to be very very different than how I originally pictured it but it's going to be a good one.  Just think, four months ago, I could barely get out of bed and I had no desire to go on with my life and now, I can't wait to see what God has in store.  My prayer is that He will direct me on His path and I will find His will and His will alone. 

I heard this song the other day and I've heard it before but for the first time, I really listened to the words.  It perfectly describes both where I was when Dave first died and where I am today.  There's a reason why we sometimes hit "rock bottom", think of that "rock" that we hit as Christ, the Solid Rock catching us and slowly helping us get back up again.  

"Help Me Find It"

I don’t know where to go from here
It all used to seem so clear
I’m finding I can’t do this on my own

I don’t know where to go from here
As long as I know that You are near
I’m done fighting
I’m finally letting go

I will trust in You
You’ve never failed before
I will trust in You

If there’s a road I should walk
Help me find it
If I need to be still
Give me peace for the moment
Whatever Your will
Whatever Your will
Can you help me find it
Can you help me find it

I’m giving You fear and You give faith
I giving you doubt
You give me grace
For every step I’ve never been alone

Even when it hurts, You’ll have Your way
Even in the valley I will say
With every breath
You’ve never let me go

I will wait for You
You’ve never failed before
I will wait for You

If there’s a road I should walk
Help me find it
If I need to be still
Give me peace for the moment
Whatever Your will
Whatever Your will
Can you help me find it
Can you help me find it

I lift my empty hands (come fill me up again)
Have Your way my King (I give my all to You)
I lift my eyes again (Was blind but now I see)
‘Cause You are all I need

If there’s a road I should walk
Help me find it
If I need to be still
Give me peace for the moment
Whatever Your will
Whatever Your will
Can you help me find it
Can you help me find it

Life Changes, In a Split Second

I wasn't planning on writing a blog tonight because it's getting so late.  However, the news has blown up today as we were informed of the verdict in the George Zimmerman case (Orlando friends and family, stay safe!).  Facebook was finally calming down when I got home past midnight, then it began blowing up again.  "Glee" star Cory Monteith has passed away at the age of 31, just one year younger than Dave.

It just shows us once again that life can change or end, in one second!  One second, you're alive and the next, you're gone forever.  Or in Zimmerman's case, even though the jury found him not guilty, his life has still changed in a split second.  You think he can walk down the streets of central Florida and not get harassed?  He's going to have to live incognito for many years.  And I definitely don't feel sorry for him but think if that was you?  If you had a normal life, then bam, you're now hated by half of America and can't be safe hardly anywhere.  Or in Trayvon's parents case, one minute they had a son and the next, their son was taken away from them.  In one second, Cory Monteith is no longer with us and his family, friends, and girlfriend Lea Michele now have to come to terms with their new normal.  On March 8, I was hugging and kissing my husband goodbye, then five hours later, I was sitting in a hospital in shock because I had just been told that he was gone and it's going to be awhile before I see him again.  My world, Dave's family and friends', and my family's world was turned upside down in a matter of a second.

I'm seeing what an impact Cory has made in his short life and four months ago, I saw what a legacy Dave has left behind.  It makes me think, if I were to die today, what would people say at my funeral?  Who all would show up?  Would people know how to treat each other during that time or would they wonder what I would think?  There are so many "what if's" in our lives, why don't we do what we can to get rid of those.  We don't know what's going to happen tomorrow.  Life is a very short but precious gift that God gives us so take advantage of every day!  Some people live every day in misery or just focus on all the bad that's in this world and how those of us who are believers in Christ shouldn't like being in this world.  I disagree!!  While I long for heaven and I can't wait for that glorious day, why dishonor God by wasting my life away?  God gives us life for a reason and He wants for us to use that time for His glory, which includes treating life like the amazing gift that He intends for it to be.

Dave and Cory lived a full life in their 31 and 32 years and I can tell you that Dave lived with very few regrets.  That's my new outlook for life: live with no regrets, even if that means trying something and failing.  At least I know people could say at my funeral "well, she messed up a LOT but look at what she got to experience" rather than "hmmmm, did Kate do anything special in her life?" Live every day like it's your last, that way when you take that last breath, you can be assured that your loved ones will have nothing but great memories to hold on to.  Thank you Dave for living that kind of life, it makes this situation easier knowing that you were a happy guy when you took that last breath :) now it's time for me to live that same way!

Letting Go and Letting God

Wow, it's been almost a month since my last blog post!  My last blog post was written the day before I left for Orlando for my first visit since coming back to Arkansas.  I had such a good time!  The first week, my college friends Courtney, Megan, and Andrea came to Orlando and we all had a mini vacation in the place where our friendship first began.  This has been a rough year for all four of us so we all needed that time together.  We went back to a lot of our old hang outs, including New Smyrna Beach, Cowboys, and Chick Fil A.  Mostly, we just laughed and tried to leave our problems behind so we could just have fun together, which we did!  I also spent two nights on the beach in Daytona with Mom, went back to the church where Dave and I got married, visited with Corky who married us and did Dave's service, got to have dinner with a few people who knew Dave from Carillon church, visited Disney and Universal, hung out with my Universal friends and went to the entertainment Woody awards, and spent the last few nights with my in laws. There were definitely some bittersweet moments and I didn't know how I would handle some of those.  As I anticipated, those hard moments were soon followed by feelings of peace and contentment knowing that I would soon be back in this place that I call home and surrounded by these people who love me and want to help me as much as they can.  Going back will not be easy, it will be hard but I'm confident that in the long run, it will be the best thing for me.

I also had two auditions while I was down there.  One of them didn't go so well and the other one seemed to go very well.  I did my monologue for the casting directors and they all laughed a lot, which is always a good sign.  That makes two possibilities for a job so far, including that Disney audition I had in Chicago!  There are one or two others coming up at the end of July, at the same time that I will be visiting Orlando again.  I hope that these auditions popping up is a sign that doors are opening slowly for me!  I have to at least have some seasonal or part time work when I move back down.  While I'm in Fayetteville, I do have some work going on with a local childrens' theatre so I'm slowly getting back into working again.  I can't go backwards and have no job or work when I get back to Orlando, it'll drive me nuts!  So if anyone hears of any other auditions for shows, theme parks, dinner theatres, etc, let me know!  I'm open to just about anything that involves acting, singing, and not too advanced dancing :)

These past few months and few weeks of auditioning has really taught me a major lesson: I'm SOOOOO not in control of my life.  I always knew that I wasn't but a part of me thought that maybe God would allow me to take the reins from time to time.  Well He definitely likes to be more of the control freak but let's face it, He knows what He's doing, He's allowed to be.  I had one day last week that I became very discouraged because I wanted to go back down to Orlando for Halloween Horror Nights auditions at Universal and it looked like I was going to miss them.  So I prayed that God would calm my heart and just let the doors open as He saw fit.  The next morning, I got a text from my mom saying that she came across the Universal audition page and she noticed that the auditions were taking place over a period of three weeks, not three days.  The last day to audition would be July 30, the same time that I'm going to be in town!!!!  I don't know if I'll get cast or not but what a God thing that was!  Times like those show me that if I just literally let go and let God do His work, things will fall into place!  I can worry like crazy or I can put my trust in Him and do the David Adams way of life and just take things one step at a time.  Even if none of these auditions work out, God has something planed for me.  I know for sure that He is calling me back to Orlando so I'm confident that He will not send me down there and not give me a job of some sort.

That same day I signed up for the HHN auditions, I was reading my devotion in Jesus Calling and one particular part stuck out to me.  It said "You will never be in control of your life circumstances but you can relax and trust in My control.  Instead of striving for a predictable safe lifestyle, seek to know Me in greater depth and breadth.  I long to make your life a glorious adventure but you must stop clinging to old ways.  I am always doing something new within My beloved ones.  Be on the lookout for all that I have prepared for you."  I don't think it can get much clearer than that :)

Knowing me and knowing that God made me adventurous for a reason, my life is going to be one crazy rollercoaster full of unexpected turns and twists.  It already has been and while there's a few twists that I didn't like, life always turns around and goes back uphill eventually.  I realized recently that God tends to send some of these twists and turns my way much sooner than I expect.  I'm guessing He probably does that to test me to see if I'll really let go and rely on my faith alone.  He very well might do that this time but He might decide to switch it up and make me stew a little.  Either way, I'm content that His way is perfect and His plan for my life is going to be one that's extremely crazy and unpredictable.  And you know, I don't think I'd have it any other way :)

O Town, Here I Come!!!

I leave for Orlando tomorrow!!  This will be the first visit back there since I moved back to Fayetteville just ten days after Dave passed away.  A part of me is kind of nervous about going back, it will bring back lots of memories.  But I also remember that there's been a few "firsts" that I've been nervous about and guess what, God brought me through those and they ended up being amazing (such as my first trip back to Fort Lauderdale and my friend's wedding last weekend).  I won't deny that there will be some bittersweet, tearful moments but I also expect some fun fun fun while I'm there too!  I'll be seeing old friends and old college roommates, going to Universal and the entertainment Woody awards, searching for apartments, doing a couple of auditions for Disney and Sea World, and visiting my in laws Paul and Adrienne.

Even though God has made it quite clear to me and pretty much everyone I know that Orlando is where I need to be, I do sometimes have second thoughts.  The only thing standing in my way is fear and the only thing I fear is the memories that I have in Orlando with Dave.  Last week, I asked God if I was truly ready to do this.  I feel like He said a lot after that (He's quite the chatterbox these days) but here are the points that stuck out to me the most:
1. I have known Orlando both with and without Dave.  It will be very similar to my life before I met him, except I won't be in college, I'll hopefully be working. 
2. I am not the first person that has lived in the same location that they lost their loved one.  Many people even live in the same house for years and end up being just fine.  If they can do that, what makes me think that I can't live in the same city?
3. While the people in Arkansas are great, no one here except my family knew Dave and can grieve with me.  People in Orlando knew Dave and they are just as heartbroken as I am.  I have a community there that gets it and I'm sure they need someone to talk to just as much as I do.  We can be in grievance together.
4. I was reminded of a time about three years ago that's nowhere near as tragic as this but it still sucked.  I was spending a month in Germany for a musical theatre workshop and beforehand, I went home to Arkansas for two weeks and when I returned, I'd be in Arkansas another week.  So I was away from Orlando for almost two months.  A week before I left for Germany, some boy drama I had been having escalated and, in summary, I found out I had been cheated on, lied to, left for another girl, and taken advantage of, all in one day.  Being in Arkansas wasn't enough, I felt trapped and like I couldn't escape, even though I was 1,000 miles away.  That trip to Germany couldn't have come at a better time!  I needed that time away so I could collect my emotions and I honestly wondered if I could ever go back to Orlando and face all of that.  And guess what happened?  By the end of the two months, I was so homesick for Orlando and I couldn't wait to get back, even though I knew I'd have to confront everything.  That time away was just what I needed and once I was back, I felt stronger than ever and though there were a few bumps in the road, that road led me to Dave just a few months later :)

The same thing is happening.  The circumstances are different but it's the same emotions.  Being in Arkansas has helped me heal and given me a "leave of absence" from Orlando.  But I've had a few months to get myself back together, it's time to get up and try again.  Orlando is where I've experienced the most heartache in my life but I've also had the best times of my life there.  To me, that's what home is.  A place that no matter what happens in your life, you feel a sense of belonging and comfort.  Orlando is that place for me.

Who knows, I MIGHT end up changing my mind once I visit and decide to stay in Arkansas but I seriously doubt that.  I need to at least try, I will regret it for the rest of my life if I don't.  And knowing that I have family and friends there who are willing to help me once I'm there is such a comfort.  I bet if I stick it out, great things will happen and my life will begin to sort itself out, just like it did three years ago.

Pray for me that my auditions will go well and I will find a job there!  Finances are not a worry, I know God will provide no matter what but I need to do something with my time since I like to stay busy.  And pray that I will find a safe and comfortable place to live and most of all, that I will laugh a lot and just enjoy myself while I'm there.  I know I will, it's too fun of a city and I have the most awesome friends down there.  How can one not have fun in O Town :) I hope to know fairly soon when exactly I'm moving down there but it will be sooner than later, I'm guessing late summer.  But whenever it does happen will be in God's timing and I know I will be welcomed back with open arms!

P.S. A little side note, we received Dave's medical results so we finally have some closure.  However, I want to keep it mostly confidential (with the exception of family) until I've had time to go over the report with Dave's parents and make sure I'm getting all of my facts straight.  But just know these three things for now:
1. It was natural causes and could happen to anyone
2. Genetics were most likely involved and since he was adopted, he didn't know his medical history and a normal checkup wouldn't have helped
3. It was very quick and he most likely did not feel any pain, which is a comfort for me and I hope for his family as well.  When the time is right, I will be more specific with everyone but I hope those who loved him take comfort in the fact that no matter what happened, we were so happy the days leading up to his death and he's even happier now.  What a great day that will be when we all get to experience what Dave now has, the feeling of eternal peace and joy in the presence of the Lord!

Jessica and Brayden's Wedding

One of my best friends, Jessica Flynn, got married to the love of her life, Brayden Wood last night on Friday, June 7, 2013 (6/7/13 because 6 + 7=13).  Jess and I have known each other since high school and we've remained close friends ever since, which I know is rare once people move on with college and whatnot so I treasure her friendship a lot.  Jess is not just one of my best friends but she's also been one of my greatest supporters in everything I've ever done in life.  She was beyond thrilled for me when I first got the job at Disney, was very curious about this guy named Dave who was interested in me, and lent me a shoulder to cry on and uplifted my sad spirits when I returned to Fayetteville after Dave's death.  She was one of the first people that I told when I felt God leading me back to Orlando last month and last night, I got to stand with her and seven other girls at Mt. Sequoyah as she and Brayden promised their love and commitment to each other.

I know many people have wondered why in the world I would put myself through that after everything that happened to me.  Jess asked me to be a bridesmaid back in the fall (via a Ring Pop in a little box with a note that said "will you be my bridesmaid?") and not only was I excited but Dave was too.  He right away said "do it, they're an awesome couple and that'll definitely give us a good excuse to take off work and go to their wedding if you're in it."  Dave had only met Jess and Brayden once but we all had such a fun time together and he could see why I love hanging out with Jess.  We immediately put their date on the calendar and planned to be there.

After Dave passed away, Jess and her mom Liz contacted me and asked me several times if I was sure that I still wanted to do this and gave me the option of backing out.  I almost considered it because I knew everyone would understand and I didn't know if I would be ready or not.  But after thinking it through, I told Jess I still wanted to do it.  Maybe it was slightly too soon but it's also another Band Aid that I would need to rip off eventually, I can't avoid weddings for the rest of my life.  So why not take a risk and see how things go.  Plus, Jess had been such a good friend to me and Dave thought so highly of her that I almost felt that it'd be a dishonor to him if I wasn't standing up there with her.  So I took the risk this weekend and boy am I so glad I did!  Jess checked on me a few times and asked me if I was still okay and each time, I answered with true honesty and said that it was slightly bittersweet but I was having so much fun with the other girls and being in that wedding mode again.  It's refreshing to see someone so happy in life, it makes me want to continue to be happy as well.

The ceremony was only hard for me at one point and that was during communion because the song that was played was "Beautiful Things" by Gungor.  That same song was played at Dave's service because it was one of his favorites and held a deep meaning to him and his life.  But after a minute, I looked down at my Dave tattoo, then I looked up slightly to the sky and I swear I saw Dave smiling at me.  I felt at that moment, God was saying that He is making my life beautiful before my very eyes and look how far I've already come after three months.  If He can make beautiful things out of dust, I know He's making all things in my life beautiful once again.  Jess later came up to me and almost apologized for using that song and I told her to not feel that way, God used that bittersweet moment and turned it into a beautiful promise, not just for me but for her as well.

I survived my first wedding "post Dave" and what a wonderful day it was!  I can't help but be happy at weddings, especially when I think of the beautiful wedding that I had with Dave and how that was one of his last events in his life and thank God he got to experience that.  And yes, I'm sure that one day I will fall in love again and be able to have another wonderful (but completely different) day of love and celebration.  Until that day comes, I'm focused on my life as it is now and the adventurous, unpredictable path I'm taking.  Dave always said to treat everything in life as one big adventure, it just makes it more fun that way.  So I'm doing just that and relying on him to help me stay on track.

Congratulations Jess and Brayden, thank you so much for allowing me to be a part of your special day.  It was such an honor and I truly had so much fun with both of you this weekend.  You've helped me move along even further in this process of acceptance and moving on with my life.

I'm No Different

Today during small group at church, Emery asked us if we would be willing to share our testimonies and the moment of change in our spiritual lives.  I shared the short one minute version of mine but for the first time, I wasn't ashamed of my story.  I didn't have one of those moments of "wow, this is what God is all about" when I first received salvation.  I was eight years old, I'd grown up in church my whole life, and I decided one rainy Monday that I was ready to, as a little kid describes this experience, "ask Jesus into my heart."  However, as I got older, I had other things that I struggled with, even though I was already a believer.  I've questioned my faith, I've had doubts, I've had to fearfully ask God some tough questions, and for the longest time, I secretly felt like I was a terrible Christian.  But God being the amazing Father He is, He answers those questions and gives me peace that our relationship is not ruined by me having doubts and making mistakes from time to time.  I don't know why I feel compelled to write this entry but it's going to be quite personal and I'm going to share some things that I've never shared before.  Nothing too exciting or juicy will be said but it always gives me peace to read stories of people who are similar to me so maybe this entry will one day help someone else who has shared some of these same struggles.

Even though I was saved at age 8, I didn't know what it was like to truly be in a relationship with Christ until I was about 14.  By that point, I was beginning to realize that not everyone was like me.  We were all getting to that point where we were forming our own opinions and not just what our parents had taught us, which I think is eventually how it should be.  However, none of us were mature enough to be prepared for what life would one day throw in our direction.  I was one of those typical teens that thought I knew it all and was too stubborn to admit when I was wrong (oh let's face it, I'm still that way at times).  All I wanted was to find a place of acceptance and love but it was hard.  I had friends in school and at church but I was never secure in any of those relationships and I had a tendency to push people away.  I would be one person at school, then another person at church.  I just needed everyone everywhere to like me and accept me, that's what was important in my life.  I'd get caught up in gossip and spreading rumors so I'd be accepted at school, then I'd put on a new face at church and be the perfect devout Bible reading Christian girl that I felt I needed to be in order to be accepted by the youth group.  Even though I was miserable and wished that I could be the same person at both school and church, I kept it hidden as well as I could and never opened up to anyone just how lonely I felt at both locations.

It was when I reached college that I finally began to "merge" the two Kates into one Kate.  I don't know if it was the feeling of starting over or if I just matured (or maybe both).  All I know is I promised myself that I was going to be who I truly was, whether people liked it or not.  And yes, I did lose a few friends and acquaintances in the process but once I got through that initial shock of losing a few friends, I realized just how unimportant it is what people think of me.  I also saw people around me who didn't know how to be themselves and they seemed as though they were trapped.  I suddenly felt free and open and I couldn't believe that I had deprived myself of that feeling for so many years.

When I met Dave and started dating him, the final pieces of the mask I'd been hiding behind finally came off.  He loved the fact that I was more "scandalous" than other Christian girls, he didn't want a goodie two shoes and truthfully, I didn't either.  When I say scandalous, it's nothing hardcore so don't get too excited.  It just means that I sometimes like to have alcoholic drinks (responsibly), I have a tattoo, I listen to hip hop music that has a good beat to dance to, and I appreciate dirty jokes.  That's just who I am.  Now do I talk about stuff like that in church? Not really because there are some people who have really struggled with some of those things in the past and I want to be sensitive to that.  Doing those things does not make me or anyone else a bad person nor does it change my love for Christ.  However, now that I've taken off my mask and I just tell it how it is, I'm more encouraged than ever to grow in my spiritual life and not go down any bad paths.  I've come this far and I have a guardian angel that I have to make proud, why would I regress?  Those feelings of trying to please people only came back to haunt me once.  Dave and I had some struggles when we were first together and there were a few people, about 2%, that were very critical of those struggles and did not encourage us in our relationship (someone even told me that we should break up because we weren't honoring God as we should).  I beat myself up about it for one day, then Dave told me to cut it out and stop believing these lies.  Yes, we didn't deny that we made a few mistakes like every other couple has done but those did the opposite of break us up, they made us stronger and from that point on, we encouraged each other, prayed together, and ignored anyone or anything that tried to bring us down.  One year later, we stood at the altar together and promised each other a Godly marriage and to be Christ like examples for our families and friends, the 98% who always supported and prayed for us.  So David Adams, thank you for always encouraging me to be myself and not believe any lies that might come my way.  I'm not perfect, I never will be but having him in my life made me want to be a better person and live for Christ even more.

Throughout these past few months, people have told me how inspired they are by my story and by my blogs.  That blows me away because I've never thought of myself as a deep person or a great writer.  I just say what's on my mind, whether it's a slightly deep analogy or a little bit of dark humor.  But I feel I'm living proof that God can use anyone to shed His light and share His promises.  I used to think that God could never use a horrid person like me because He only uses "the good people" who work in ministry and do their quiet times every single day.  He wouldn't use an "average and sinful" girl like me, I'm not good enough.  Turns out, I'm no different than the pastor next door but I'm also no different than anyone in the local jail.  We're all sinners, we all mess up, but God loves us to the end and He's ready to trust and use any of us to do His will if we allow Him to.

Fast and Not So Furious (anymore)

Summer has barely begun and I've already taken two trips in two weeks.  And none of them were exactly close by.  I began my summer by taking a week long trip to Fort Lauderdale to visit Dave's sister Rachel, her husband Johnny, and their daughter Lexi.  Lexi had her first ballet recital so I thought since I had the time and some Air Tran credit to use, I'd go support her and spend some time with all of them.  Lexi seemed to have so much fun at her recital and was so so cute up there!  She seemed very focused but she also was aware that she needed to smile.  I hope she continues dancing because she's very cute when she does it.  Besides the recital, I also got to spend two mornings at the beach, an afternoon at the neighbors' pool, seeing The Great Gatsby at an iPic theatre in Boca, some cooking lessons plus a cooking class, a Three Olives fundraiser, and quality time with the family.  It was such a relaxing time for me and it further confirmed my decision to move back to Florida.  My roots will always be in Arkansas but this girl connects more with sunshine, palm trees, and the beach.  

The second trip was to Chicago, which I just returned from today.  It was more of a last minute decision.  My mom found out that a Disney equity actors audition was being held there and since my old roommate Sammi lives in Chicago, we thought that'd work out perfectly.  And it did!  Sammi and I got to catch up a little (we haven't seen each other in 2.5 years) and I met her precious little dog Esme (who I almost stole as we left today).  It was fun to act like 18 year olds again.  The trip was so worth it not just because of my time with Sammi but also because my audition went really well!  It was for improv comedic actors at Disney in Orlando and I was hesitant to audition at first because I don't have much experience with improv comedy. I'm one of those people that's only funny if I don't try to be.  But the casting directors loved the monologue that I did and they asked me to stay around for a callback.  After about an hour and a half of waiting, they gave me a script and said to follow the script but also add some funny improv lines in there.  I had maybe 10 minutes to read over the script AND come up with some witty comebacks.  I had a mental block at first but once the first witty thing came to me, it kept pouring out from there and I even threw in some last minute "zingers" while I was doing my callback audition for the directors.  They laughed during that part too but I also know that a LOT of people audition for these things so the competition is rough.  And it's unlikely that I'll get this job but I'm just so happy that my first audition in over a year went so well!  It will definitely give me more confidence for my upcoming auditions in Orlando and Tampa next month.  

So as you can see, my life has gone from 0 to 60 almost overnight.  April was more of a dull month (with the exception of Dave's family visiting and my baby niece being born) and I felt like I used that month to get out all my anger and vent to God about my frustrations.  But even though Dave has only been gone about three months, it's amazing how much life is already changing for me in those three months.  I definitely didn't think I'd be ready to audition and put myself out there again after everything that's happened but wow, God is sure working a lot in my life.  He's called me back to Orlando, He's told me that He has a great plan for my life that He wants me to discover, and He has promised me that He will provide for me no matter where I am or what I do.  This is why I'm not scared to go back to Orlando, it will be bittersweet at times but I succeeded there before, there's no reason why can't I succeed again. 

A woman who Dave knew back in Florida (who was also a young widow) has been a great source of comfort for me and even though we've only communicated and met through Facebook, she has said some wonderful things to me.  The one thing that sticks out the most that she has said to me is that when you're young, life tends to move at a faster pace and be prepared for ANYTHING.  There's no timeline on anything, when the moment feels right, seize it.  Hence the decision to go audition in Chicago, it just felt right to do so, even if I don't get the job.  Life is definitely moving at a fast pace for me and in a way, I'm thankful for that.  But I'm also learning that this is the time in my life to do things like that, to go to all these auditions, to move back to Orlando, to do anything that I want to do.  One day, this time of my life will be over so why not seize these moments now and live life to the fullest.  That's what Dave did and it seems that he's impacted so many lives with his carefree style, now it's time for me to do the same and take those same leaps of faith (and as Dave would tell me, to just STOP WORRYING).  

I have a crazy busy summer ahead of me and I wouldn't have it any other way.  I love staying busy and looking forward to what's next in my future.  I know I'll still have my anger outbursts from time to time but they definitely aren't happening like they were the first couple of months.  I can't change what happened so why not make the best out of a bad situation?  One step at a time is all I can take and let's face it, that's appropriate for a high heels/boots wearing girl like me :) 

Step Out

I'm literally just sitting in my house, watching some trashy reality TV when a text from my best friend comes in.  Like me, she has also been going through a very difficult time and we've leaned a lot on each other these past couple of months.  We're both reading daily devotionals and often times, I will forward my devotional on to her if I think it relates to her and how she might be feeling.  Today, she did that same thing for me and it's just amazing how God continues to speak to me and make His answers to my questions clearer every time.

The name of the devotional for today was called "Step Out".  Right away, these words caught my attention.  For the past month or so, as I mentioned a few weeks ago, I've been wrestling with the decision of whether I should continue building my life here in Fayetteville or if I should go back to Orlando because I really don't feel like I'm done there.  There are pros and cons to each location and of course, my family supports me in whatever decision I make.  However, I have actively been praying into going back to Orlando and as God always seems to do for me, He slowly leads me down a certain path and tells me to trust Him down this path because it's all about taking one step at a time.  The devotional talked about how we should not be afraid to be bold with our faith and respond to God's calls in life.  The line that caught my attention the most was "I think it is better to try and fail than to never try at all."  That's exactly what I told myself last week when I asked myself "would you rather go with the safe decision or take a risk?"  And think back to all the times in my past that I took a big risk: choosing to go far away from home for college, choosing a major that doesn't guarantee steady jobs, and finally, choosing to be with David Adams and eventually marry him.  Each of those decisions required lots of prayer but not prayers of clarification necessarily, more like prayers for God's provision and guidance as I took those giant leaps of faith.  God has given me all the clarification I need, now I just need to trust Him and pray that I will once again have that courage that has proven to be successful for me in the past.

I'm sure everyone has called it but just so you hear it from me, I have come to the decision to move back to Orlando.  I cannot ignore that inward tug anymore, it's almost like I have my own Jiminy Cricket inside of me (Disney dork here!) I've kept from posting too much on Facebook about it until I knew for sure what was going on.  But now, I feel that it's time that I myself need to "step out" and make everyone aware that it's for sure happening, especially because I will need to use social media and people for job connections.  Thankfully, I have support from everyone in both cities and family and friends who are willing to help.  Yes, I will need to find a job again when I get down there but I was able to find good work when I was there before, who's to say that I can't do that again?  Fayetteville will always be my hometown but it's no longer my home.  I might return one day but for now, it's just not the place that I need to be.  I feel very unsettled here and I'll be honest, staying just feels wrong.  I may end up somewhere other than Orlando but staying in Arkansas is not the right thing to do.  When I was in Fort Lauderdale last week with Dave's sister, I saw those palm trees, I felt the sun, and heard the waves in the ocean......and for the first time in a few months, I truly felt like I was home.  Orlando isn't perfect but for this point in my life, it's the perfect place for me.

I don't know when exactly I'm moving but it's going to be fairly soon.  While I'm down for a visit in June, I'm going to be going to auditions and scoping out apartments.  If anyone has ANY suggestions or knowledge of anything relating to those, please let me know, connections are my best friend right now.  I don't know what life will be like when I'm back but I do know that God will provide no matter where I am or what I do.  He has a plan and Orlando is still a part of that plan.  Clearly, I have some unfinished business left there and I'm excited to see what chapter 2 of living in central Florida is going to bring!

YAY YAY YAY, I'M COMING HOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What To Do, What To Do

Always late at night is when my mind is suddenly active and I feel compelled to write.  I'm officially a night owl, just like my dad and grandma.  It's genetics obviously, I can't help it.

It's now been about two months since Dave passed away, which means it's been almost two months since I've been back in Fayetteville.  It's weird, it seems like time is crawling by but also going by super fast and I can't catch up.  I'm a little more established here than I was when I first came back.  I have some work lined up for this summer with a local children's theatre, I'm living in my grandma's old house, and I'm starting to get to know a couple of younger women from my Sunday School department at my parent's church.  Plus, I have found things to do throughout the week that keep me somewhat busy.  I haven't found a full time job but I'm taking that area of my life at a slow and steady pace and there are three reasons for that:

1. Everyone has suggested that I take some time to heal and take life one step at a time.  Don't take a full time job just for the sake of taking a job, it will most likely add stress to my life and I need to make sure I'm okay emotionally before I'm able to handle the stress of a full time job again.  I'm doing good financially, when you're suddenly a young widow, family and friends usually step up to help you out (thank you so much to those of you who have) so I'll be able to pay my bills, no problem :)
2. I need to take some time and visit Dave's family and my Florida friends this summer.  I obviously have left a lot unsettled there and I need to go back and deal with all of that, mostly because I still have some belongings in storage and I need to figure out what to do with them.  But I'm very very excited for all my trips this summer, the first one is coming up in just a week and a half when I go see Dave's sister and her family in Fort Lauderdale for his niece's ballet recital.  With all the cold weather we've been having here, it'll be nice to have a few beach days and Rachel and I are even taking a cooking class so maybe I'll have some cooking skills when I get back :) and my first trip to Orlando in June can't come soon enough!  I miss everyone so much and I miss the town in general.....which leads me to reason number
3. For the past three or four weeks, it's really been sinking in how much I miss Orlando and Florida in general.  I missed it a lot when I first got back but now that I've begun to collect my emotions, I think about Orlando all the time and what a special place it is to me.  Now lots of people think I moved here as a last minute decision after Dave died and that was actually not the case.  Dave and I were planning on moving here, primarily, because I thought he'd have a better shot at getting work up here in northwest Arkansas.  I had had my success in Orlando, it was now time for him to be even more successful (though he worked his butt off already).  We of course knew that being near my family would be a huge plus and it'd be nice to adjust to married life in a more family oriented town.

Well, that scenario has completely changed.  Dave is no longer with me, he's now being successful in a heavenly way and I am no longer here to adjust to married life since I'm technically single again.  The plus to me living here is I have my family with me for support.  However, I've seriously begun reconsidering my move here.  I think it was the right move maybe for this particular time of my life but I have been feeling led to go back to Orlando.  Maybe that's just God's way of telling me that I need to go visit and that my home will be back in Fayetteville.  And yes, it's very common to get homesick anywhere you live.  I got homesick for Arkansas the first few weeks that I was living in Orlando.....however, that was a different situation.  I was homesick but I also knew that I didn't want to move back, that would not be the right decision.  It's a different feeling this time around.  It's more than just missing Orlando, I seriously wonder if I left too soon and I need to go back.  I don't know if I'll ever settle there but I know that I'm supposed to live there again someday but how soon, I'm not really sure.  Dave one time made a move to Wisconsin and he said that the moment he got there, he knew that wasn't the place for him and within a few months, he moved to Orlando.  So I don't know if that same thing has happened to me or not.  All I know is that same feeling I had when I knew that UCF was the school for me is kind of happening again as far as going back to Orlando.  It's just a weird inward push that I can't describe.

Ohhhh mmmm ggggg, what to do, what to do??  Obviously, I have some things to take care of and a few commitments here in Fayetteville for awhile and I don't want to make a final decision until I know for sure what God wants me to do.  I might change my mind after my visits this summer and decide to stay.  I might say yes I want to move back but I need some more time first.  However, I'm beginning to actively seek jobs both in Fayetteville and in Orlando.  Maybe whichever job I get first will be the clear cut sign.

I'm going to give this a lot of thought and prayer, which is honestly what I should've done when I first talked to Dave about moving to Fayetteville.  I really don't know if I prayed as much about that decision or if I just went with what I wanted in life and that was that.  I will not do that this time around, this is going to be a well thought out process.  I need lots of prayers as I begin to make this decision and if anyone has any input on job opportunities in either city, please let me know!  I won't be able to start a full time job until late August but I would like to begin the search sooner than later.  And if you have any input on where you think I should go, feel free to tell me.  A few already have and I always welcome (rational) opinions from those who know me well.

 Pray that I won't go crazy making this decision, I will be comforted in whatever decision I make, and that God will just lead me down the path that He wants me to go, whether it's just down the streets of Fayetteville or down further southeast back to the beaches :)