Fast and Not So Furious (anymore)

Summer has barely begun and I've already taken two trips in two weeks.  And none of them were exactly close by.  I began my summer by taking a week long trip to Fort Lauderdale to visit Dave's sister Rachel, her husband Johnny, and their daughter Lexi.  Lexi had her first ballet recital so I thought since I had the time and some Air Tran credit to use, I'd go support her and spend some time with all of them.  Lexi seemed to have so much fun at her recital and was so so cute up there!  She seemed very focused but she also was aware that she needed to smile.  I hope she continues dancing because she's very cute when she does it.  Besides the recital, I also got to spend two mornings at the beach, an afternoon at the neighbors' pool, seeing The Great Gatsby at an iPic theatre in Boca, some cooking lessons plus a cooking class, a Three Olives fundraiser, and quality time with the family.  It was such a relaxing time for me and it further confirmed my decision to move back to Florida.  My roots will always be in Arkansas but this girl connects more with sunshine, palm trees, and the beach.  

The second trip was to Chicago, which I just returned from today.  It was more of a last minute decision.  My mom found out that a Disney equity actors audition was being held there and since my old roommate Sammi lives in Chicago, we thought that'd work out perfectly.  And it did!  Sammi and I got to catch up a little (we haven't seen each other in 2.5 years) and I met her precious little dog Esme (who I almost stole as we left today).  It was fun to act like 18 year olds again.  The trip was so worth it not just because of my time with Sammi but also because my audition went really well!  It was for improv comedic actors at Disney in Orlando and I was hesitant to audition at first because I don't have much experience with improv comedy. I'm one of those people that's only funny if I don't try to be.  But the casting directors loved the monologue that I did and they asked me to stay around for a callback.  After about an hour and a half of waiting, they gave me a script and said to follow the script but also add some funny improv lines in there.  I had maybe 10 minutes to read over the script AND come up with some witty comebacks.  I had a mental block at first but once the first witty thing came to me, it kept pouring out from there and I even threw in some last minute "zingers" while I was doing my callback audition for the directors.  They laughed during that part too but I also know that a LOT of people audition for these things so the competition is rough.  And it's unlikely that I'll get this job but I'm just so happy that my first audition in over a year went so well!  It will definitely give me more confidence for my upcoming auditions in Orlando and Tampa next month.  

So as you can see, my life has gone from 0 to 60 almost overnight.  April was more of a dull month (with the exception of Dave's family visiting and my baby niece being born) and I felt like I used that month to get out all my anger and vent to God about my frustrations.  But even though Dave has only been gone about three months, it's amazing how much life is already changing for me in those three months.  I definitely didn't think I'd be ready to audition and put myself out there again after everything that's happened but wow, God is sure working a lot in my life.  He's called me back to Orlando, He's told me that He has a great plan for my life that He wants me to discover, and He has promised me that He will provide for me no matter where I am or what I do.  This is why I'm not scared to go back to Orlando, it will be bittersweet at times but I succeeded there before, there's no reason why can't I succeed again. 

A woman who Dave knew back in Florida (who was also a young widow) has been a great source of comfort for me and even though we've only communicated and met through Facebook, she has said some wonderful things to me.  The one thing that sticks out the most that she has said to me is that when you're young, life tends to move at a faster pace and be prepared for ANYTHING.  There's no timeline on anything, when the moment feels right, seize it.  Hence the decision to go audition in Chicago, it just felt right to do so, even if I don't get the job.  Life is definitely moving at a fast pace for me and in a way, I'm thankful for that.  But I'm also learning that this is the time in my life to do things like that, to go to all these auditions, to move back to Orlando, to do anything that I want to do.  One day, this time of my life will be over so why not seize these moments now and live life to the fullest.  That's what Dave did and it seems that he's impacted so many lives with his carefree style, now it's time for me to do the same and take those same leaps of faith (and as Dave would tell me, to just STOP WORRYING).  

I have a crazy busy summer ahead of me and I wouldn't have it any other way.  I love staying busy and looking forward to what's next in my future.  I know I'll still have my anger outbursts from time to time but they definitely aren't happening like they were the first couple of months.  I can't change what happened so why not make the best out of a bad situation?  One step at a time is all I can take and let's face it, that's appropriate for a high heels/boots wearing girl like me :) 

Step Out

I'm literally just sitting in my house, watching some trashy reality TV when a text from my best friend comes in.  Like me, she has also been going through a very difficult time and we've leaned a lot on each other these past couple of months.  We're both reading daily devotionals and often times, I will forward my devotional on to her if I think it relates to her and how she might be feeling.  Today, she did that same thing for me and it's just amazing how God continues to speak to me and make His answers to my questions clearer every time.

The name of the devotional for today was called "Step Out".  Right away, these words caught my attention.  For the past month or so, as I mentioned a few weeks ago, I've been wrestling with the decision of whether I should continue building my life here in Fayetteville or if I should go back to Orlando because I really don't feel like I'm done there.  There are pros and cons to each location and of course, my family supports me in whatever decision I make.  However, I have actively been praying into going back to Orlando and as God always seems to do for me, He slowly leads me down a certain path and tells me to trust Him down this path because it's all about taking one step at a time.  The devotional talked about how we should not be afraid to be bold with our faith and respond to God's calls in life.  The line that caught my attention the most was "I think it is better to try and fail than to never try at all."  That's exactly what I told myself last week when I asked myself "would you rather go with the safe decision or take a risk?"  And think back to all the times in my past that I took a big risk: choosing to go far away from home for college, choosing a major that doesn't guarantee steady jobs, and finally, choosing to be with David Adams and eventually marry him.  Each of those decisions required lots of prayer but not prayers of clarification necessarily, more like prayers for God's provision and guidance as I took those giant leaps of faith.  God has given me all the clarification I need, now I just need to trust Him and pray that I will once again have that courage that has proven to be successful for me in the past.

I'm sure everyone has called it but just so you hear it from me, I have come to the decision to move back to Orlando.  I cannot ignore that inward tug anymore, it's almost like I have my own Jiminy Cricket inside of me (Disney dork here!) I've kept from posting too much on Facebook about it until I knew for sure what was going on.  But now, I feel that it's time that I myself need to "step out" and make everyone aware that it's for sure happening, especially because I will need to use social media and people for job connections.  Thankfully, I have support from everyone in both cities and family and friends who are willing to help.  Yes, I will need to find a job again when I get down there but I was able to find good work when I was there before, who's to say that I can't do that again?  Fayetteville will always be my hometown but it's no longer my home.  I might return one day but for now, it's just not the place that I need to be.  I feel very unsettled here and I'll be honest, staying just feels wrong.  I may end up somewhere other than Orlando but staying in Arkansas is not the right thing to do.  When I was in Fort Lauderdale last week with Dave's sister, I saw those palm trees, I felt the sun, and heard the waves in the ocean......and for the first time in a few months, I truly felt like I was home.  Orlando isn't perfect but for this point in my life, it's the perfect place for me.

I don't know when exactly I'm moving but it's going to be fairly soon.  While I'm down for a visit in June, I'm going to be going to auditions and scoping out apartments.  If anyone has ANY suggestions or knowledge of anything relating to those, please let me know, connections are my best friend right now.  I don't know what life will be like when I'm back but I do know that God will provide no matter where I am or what I do.  He has a plan and Orlando is still a part of that plan.  Clearly, I have some unfinished business left there and I'm excited to see what chapter 2 of living in central Florida is going to bring!

YAY YAY YAY, I'M COMING HOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What To Do, What To Do

Always late at night is when my mind is suddenly active and I feel compelled to write.  I'm officially a night owl, just like my dad and grandma.  It's genetics obviously, I can't help it.

It's now been about two months since Dave passed away, which means it's been almost two months since I've been back in Fayetteville.  It's weird, it seems like time is crawling by but also going by super fast and I can't catch up.  I'm a little more established here than I was when I first came back.  I have some work lined up for this summer with a local children's theatre, I'm living in my grandma's old house, and I'm starting to get to know a couple of younger women from my Sunday School department at my parent's church.  Plus, I have found things to do throughout the week that keep me somewhat busy.  I haven't found a full time job but I'm taking that area of my life at a slow and steady pace and there are three reasons for that:

1. Everyone has suggested that I take some time to heal and take life one step at a time.  Don't take a full time job just for the sake of taking a job, it will most likely add stress to my life and I need to make sure I'm okay emotionally before I'm able to handle the stress of a full time job again.  I'm doing good financially, when you're suddenly a young widow, family and friends usually step up to help you out (thank you so much to those of you who have) so I'll be able to pay my bills, no problem :)
2. I need to take some time and visit Dave's family and my Florida friends this summer.  I obviously have left a lot unsettled there and I need to go back and deal with all of that, mostly because I still have some belongings in storage and I need to figure out what to do with them.  But I'm very very excited for all my trips this summer, the first one is coming up in just a week and a half when I go see Dave's sister and her family in Fort Lauderdale for his niece's ballet recital.  With all the cold weather we've been having here, it'll be nice to have a few beach days and Rachel and I are even taking a cooking class so maybe I'll have some cooking skills when I get back :) and my first trip to Orlando in June can't come soon enough!  I miss everyone so much and I miss the town in general.....which leads me to reason number
3. For the past three or four weeks, it's really been sinking in how much I miss Orlando and Florida in general.  I missed it a lot when I first got back but now that I've begun to collect my emotions, I think about Orlando all the time and what a special place it is to me.  Now lots of people think I moved here as a last minute decision after Dave died and that was actually not the case.  Dave and I were planning on moving here, primarily, because I thought he'd have a better shot at getting work up here in northwest Arkansas.  I had had my success in Orlando, it was now time for him to be even more successful (though he worked his butt off already).  We of course knew that being near my family would be a huge plus and it'd be nice to adjust to married life in a more family oriented town.

Well, that scenario has completely changed.  Dave is no longer with me, he's now being successful in a heavenly way and I am no longer here to adjust to married life since I'm technically single again.  The plus to me living here is I have my family with me for support.  However, I've seriously begun reconsidering my move here.  I think it was the right move maybe for this particular time of my life but I have been feeling led to go back to Orlando.  Maybe that's just God's way of telling me that I need to go visit and that my home will be back in Fayetteville.  And yes, it's very common to get homesick anywhere you live.  I got homesick for Arkansas the first few weeks that I was living in Orlando.....however, that was a different situation.  I was homesick but I also knew that I didn't want to move back, that would not be the right decision.  It's a different feeling this time around.  It's more than just missing Orlando, I seriously wonder if I left too soon and I need to go back.  I don't know if I'll ever settle there but I know that I'm supposed to live there again someday but how soon, I'm not really sure.  Dave one time made a move to Wisconsin and he said that the moment he got there, he knew that wasn't the place for him and within a few months, he moved to Orlando.  So I don't know if that same thing has happened to me or not.  All I know is that same feeling I had when I knew that UCF was the school for me is kind of happening again as far as going back to Orlando.  It's just a weird inward push that I can't describe.

Ohhhh mmmm ggggg, what to do, what to do??  Obviously, I have some things to take care of and a few commitments here in Fayetteville for awhile and I don't want to make a final decision until I know for sure what God wants me to do.  I might change my mind after my visits this summer and decide to stay.  I might say yes I want to move back but I need some more time first.  However, I'm beginning to actively seek jobs both in Fayetteville and in Orlando.  Maybe whichever job I get first will be the clear cut sign.

I'm going to give this a lot of thought and prayer, which is honestly what I should've done when I first talked to Dave about moving to Fayetteville.  I really don't know if I prayed as much about that decision or if I just went with what I wanted in life and that was that.  I will not do that this time around, this is going to be a well thought out process.  I need lots of prayers as I begin to make this decision and if anyone has any input on job opportunities in either city, please let me know!  I won't be able to start a full time job until late August but I would like to begin the search sooner than later.  And if you have any input on where you think I should go, feel free to tell me.  A few already have and I always welcome (rational) opinions from those who know me well.

 Pray that I won't go crazy making this decision, I will be comforted in whatever decision I make, and that God will just lead me down the path that He wants me to go, whether it's just down the streets of Fayetteville or down further southeast back to the beaches :)