We Are Orlando Strong

It's been a week for Orlando.  And none of us know how to process it, including myself.  So many people have questions unanswered, fears of being themselves, and hearts that are breaking as they continue to mourn the loss of their loved one.  I've felt many emotions as the week has gone on but the prominent emotions within me these days are conviction and pride.  Very different emotions, they're quite opposite actually but as I write, maybe they'll make sense.  So I will put what my personal experience with the shooting has been in words as best I can.  

Last Sunday was already tough for some people because of the murder of Christina Grimmie, which happened at the Plaza theatre in downtown.  Orlando was already making headlines so when I woke up on Sunday morning and saw news of the shooting, I wasn't fazed at first because I thought I already knew all of this information.  Then I saw the headline "at least 20 dead" and I redirected my eyes back to the article.  This wasn't at the Plaza, this was at Pulse, another local hot spot.  And this wasn't on Friday night, this was just a few hours ago.  And now, we are not just talking about Christina, we are talking about 20 other innocent lives senselessly taken, which later turned into 49 lives.  I immediately turned on my TV and sure enough, it was not a sick joke.  My city was making international headlines for something so horrific.  My first instinct was to text my immediate family members before they heard about this and let them know I was safe.  I had been downtown at an event the night before, which wasn't anywhere near Pulse, but I knew my mother would worry regardless.  I updated Facebook to give my friends a sense of peace as well and while I was scrolling through my newsfeed, I saw that one of my former coworkers from Universal had been at the club and was missing.  I kept in touch with people all day to know his status and if he'd been found.  I also kept checking the victims list for fear that his name would appear on there.  Unfortunately, when I checked the list the next morning, all of our worst fears came true.  Our sassy Diego friend, Xavier Emmanuel Serrano Rosado, was listed as a confirmed death at the age of 35.  

My emotions had already been running high the day before but something changed when I saw Xavier's name.  I was already disgusted with the gunman but now, I got angrier.  Not for myself but for his loved ones and most of all, his son.  How could this guy be so cruel and kill him and 48 others for no reason?  Xavier is a father and you took that boy's father away from him!  You took him away from his parents, you took him from his best friend, you took him from the fun life he had here.  I had to go to work that day and I was desperate to get there and talk to people, to comfort those who were also mourning the loss of Xavier, to hug those who almost went to Pulse that night and decided at the last minute not to go.  Just to be together with my entertainment family because we knew we were going to have some tough days ahead of us.  We weren't just observing the loss of these victims, we were now living this nightmare with their loved ones.  And this was the time to stand beside them and let them know that we are grieving with them and are here to help.  

Which brings me to my conviction I mentioned earlier.  Being raised a Southern Baptist, I've always been taught the more conservative way of life.  And there is nothing wrong with that!  What is wrong is ignorance and hatred, which I thankfully wasn't taught thanks to my loving parents.  However, being around a lot of conservative people, I felt peer pressure to think a certain way at times.  I was asked in a Sunday school class one time if I believe that being gay was a choice or something you're born with.  I knew the answer they wanted and that's what I gave them so I wouldn't get in trouble.  I was also asked on a separate occasion to sign a petition to ban gay couples from adopting in the state of Arkansas.  I felt like eyes were on me so I hesitantly did it to avoid judgement.  Before I go on, I will say that I love Jesus and I believe in His teachings, which does include some controversial things in the Bible.  BUT, I also believe in loving people and allowing them to live their life in peace.  I have always loved the LBGT community but there have been times where I was afraid to stand up for them because I was worried about what people from the church would say to me.  That conviction has been in my heart all week.  I can't be silent anymore, the hatred has to stop.  I love my church, I love my gay friends, I love the Hispanic community, and I love the Muslims.  It is not my job to tell you how to live your life, there's always going to be somebody that disagrees with how you live (some probably disagree with my way of living) but ultimately, whatever life you live should be one filled with love and compassion.  No one should have to worry about getting shot at a nightclub because of their orientation, religion, political views, or ethnicity.  So I believe God put it on my heart this week to tell my friends in the LBGT community that I'm sorry.  I have always loved you but I haven't been bold enough for you.  And I'm sorry for those who have hurt you.  I have met so many gay people that want to come to church but they are so afraid of how people would react.  Based on the comments my pastor has made in the media this week, I will tell you for a fact that you and anybody else are welcome at First Baptist Orlando.  I will go with you and if for some reason somebody gives you crap, you just tell me and I will straighten them out :) and to my Christian brothers and sisters, I am so proud of the way we have stood united this week in reaching out to all of these communities to make sure they're okay.  I believe this is the beginning of breaking whatever barriers are still present.  We can all have our views on everything in life and we can agree to disagree.  But it's a matter of doing it with love and compassion.  

Speaking of love and compassion, this is where my pride comes in.  I just want to say how awesome the city of Orlando has been this week.  I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw people lining up to donate blood and waiting up to 11 hours!  Perfect strangers from out of town were driving to Orlando to give people food and water as they waited in line.  Churches, including mine, were stepping forward to offer funerals for free and grief counseling services for any victims and their families.  Cities from all over the world began displaying the pride flag and colors of the rainbow on all of their monuments to show that they are standing with us and are here to help.  Even Chick-fil-A opened their doors on a Sunday and made free food and drinks for everybody waiting to donate blood!  I don't know where this quote came from but it sums up this whole situation: Orlando is humanity at its worst, the response has been humanity at its best. 

With the worlds' eyes on Orlando right now, it's still heartbreaking but at the same time, I've never been so proud to live in the city beautiful.  We are taking a stand and saying that this senseless act is not going to change who we are.  It's going to take some time and when the rest of the world goes back to their normal lives, we will still have a long road of recovery ahead of us.  But I believe these acts of kindness and many rainbows in the sky are God's way of showing His protection to us and I know He is so happy to see the way we're treating each other.  Let's keep this going Otown, let's keep being kind to each other no matter our beliefs.  You would be surprised at how much you can connect and relate to somebody regardless of differences.  I struck up a conversation with a woman from the Church of Scientology last night at the Lake Eola vigil and we bonded over our love of cute blouses.  I guarantee you this woman, Crystal, and I don't agree on a lot of things but she had such a sweet spirit so it was hard to not smile and laugh right along with her.  

Just be kind to everybody and get to know people for who they truly are.  Muslims, gays, Christians, Scientologists, Republicans, Democrats, Green party, Jews, blacks, whites, Hispanics, Asians, and so on.  At the end of the day, everyone's got a pulse, we are all loved by God, and our views on certain issues do not have to change how we treat each other.  We are showing this world that we can put aside our differences and be united.  We are Orlando strong and we will survive! 

If you were still looking to help, here are a few websites for fundraisers.  Some of them sell cute shirts and who doesn't love that? :) I also included Xavier's fund (second link) for his funeral and son's college savings if you are able to donate to that as well.  Thank you world, your generosity will never be forgotten!

http://www.goallday.com/products/orlando-strong-fundraiser-womens-tank-multiple-color-orlandostrong?utm_source=notify&utm_medium=notification&variant=22764017991

https://www.gofundme.com/29ew68k

https://www.booster.com/orlando-strong

https://www.gofundme.com/PulseVictimsFund

https://www.oneorlando.org/

Has It Been A Year?

One year ago.  That was the last time I blogged.  Today has been pretty chill so far and for some reason, I wanted to go back and read some of my old posts.  When I did, I saw that the last post I wrote was April 9, 2015.  Remember those days when I blogged at least once a week?  I never thought I'd be a blogger but for those of you who didn't know me a few years back, I did so because it was the best therapy for me after Dave passed away.  I didn't know how else to express my grief and pain and even though I've never been a strong writer, I felt so much better after each post.  Now, I don't blog hardly at all but once in awhile, I like to take the time and update people on where my life is going and how I got there.  

Some things haven't changed much.  I'm still full time at Universal's Super Star Parade and monkeying around in the jungle BUT I've gotten to try some other things as well.  I got cross trained into Despicable Me's unit last year and that's been so much fun!  I always love the days that I get to "brat around" with Edith and give the minions absolute hell :) again, not much has changed lol.  Another new thing I got this year was animated trainer for parade.  I train all our new animated friends before they go in to dance rehearsals so they have an idea of what character choices to make in their dancing.  That's always a fun time because the new hires are always so eager to learn and you can tell they really want to be there.  I'm not sure what my long term goal in the company is but all I know is I love working for Universal and I'm beginning to have the courage to branch out and try new things so we'll see what happens from there.  

Speaking of branching out, I got to do more performing outside of parade last year.  Since I've been getting more involved at First Baptist Orlando, I decided to audition last August for the drama ensemble in their annual Christmas show, The Singing Christmas Trees.  Even though the directors didn't know me from a sled dog, they cast me and gave me a chance.  That was just what I needed to take that next step into feeling more like a member of such a huge church.  I met people of all ages and have become friends with a few of them (and who doesn't love more friends?) And I understand why people look forward to doing that show every year, it builds community with the creative arts ministry at our church and it gave me a nice distraction from all the hustle and bustle of the holiday season.  Plus, I got to ride a freakin motorcycle onstage!  Don't freak out, I wasn't the one driving it and we were given permission by the fire marshall to do it lol.  It was pretty awesome, probably the coolest thing I've ever done in a production.  So add that to more community and new friendships and you can imagine I was pretty bummed when we wrapped up, especially because I forgot how much I love performing on the stage.  So much so that the creative juices began to flow again and I started praying that God would provide another chance for me to be involved in another production.  I remembered after Christmas had passed that a dancer at church told me about a show for the Orlando Fringe Festival that her friend was directing and said I might be perfect for it.  That specific audition never happened because somehow, I ended up stumbling upon another audition for a different Fringe show.  Which leads me to............

I don't even remember where I first saw that Summit Church was taking a show to Fringe, all I know is I saw it somewhere online.  I attended Summit back in college but never really got involved in the community so I didn't know what to expect, especially in their arts ministry.  But all I knew at the time was I needed to get my face out there again and see what would happen.  So I went to Summit and auditioned for an original musical called The Road to Zamboria.  Out of about 50 people, I only knew one person in that audition room so it was pretty intimidating.  I kinda stayed towards the back while the directors spoke to us, though that didn't work because several people came up and talked to me :) I wasn't sure what to expect when the audition was over but I thought it went pretty well.  It must've gone VERY well because the directors (who like our church director didn't know me at all) emailed me a few days later and gave me the lead!!  Of all people, they chose me for some reason :p so there was my answered prayer for more performing!  I knew it was going to be a big time commitment and who knew if the people in the cast would even like me?  However, I took that leap of faith and let me tell you, it was the right choice!  It's been a challenge to create an original character and not have ANY past performances to refer to.  I've never done that before, but it's pushing me out of my comfort zone and it's changed my way of thinking when it comes to making character choices and how to portray them.  And I get along great with the cast and crew, they've accepted me and brought me into their circle and it's been wonderful making new friendships with all of them :) again, who doesn't love new friends??  And not only are they so kind and welcoming but we've got some major talent in this cast!  Actors, directors, composers, writers, everyone is so passionate about what they do and that's why being a part of this process has been great.  We open in about six weeks when Fringe begins so keep your eyes peeled for dates :) 

I also recently starting worship leading for the children's morning services at FBC.  Through connections from Trees, I was contacted by a few people who were looking for volunteers to commit to a couple of Sunday mornings each month to help the kids' praise team lead worship and I immediately said yes.  Not only because I love helping lead worship but I also love working with kids who are into the arts and are potential future leaders.  In my experience, I have found that kids who are in the arts are often there because it's their choice and that's what they love and choose to do.  And it always takes me back to when I was a kid that loved to perform and how much knowledge I gained from my teachers and leaders so I hope that by the grace of God, I can eventually be that same kind of leader for them.  I know working with kids can either be wonderful or insane and thankfully, working with this group is nothing but the former!  And on top of that, they listen to all of their teachers and directors and are so focused when we rehearse that I can't help but have respect for them.  

Obviously, I have no problem keeping myself busy and occupied these days but during my down times, I do think about where I am now compared to where I was three years ago.  It was around this time three years ago that I wrote my first blog post after losing Dave and I wrote about how I didn't know what my next step was and I was just waiting for God to show me what to do.  I still don't have all the answers and it's never fun to think about that time of my life.  I've said this before and I'll say it again, it has been getting better each year!  Again, I know there will always be bittersweet moments, no matter how long it's been because there is no avoiding that.  But I've changed so much over the past few years and it wasn't just Dave's death that changed me, it was also through other experiences that God allowed me to have these past three years that have shaped me into who I've become.  I'd like to think that I've become much  more laid back and not as worrisome.  I still get stressed out like every human but for the most part, I feel that my faith has grown so much and with that, I'm getting a better idea of who God has called me to be.  Being surrounded by fellow Christian performers helps me grow because that's a basically my identity in a nutshell and they inspire me every day. 

So with my (most likely) one blog post this year, I'll first say thank you for reading this jumbled entry (again, not a writer).  But more so, thank you again for those of you who are still in my life and those of you who have recently come along and deal with this crazy ginger :) I may not always say it but I love all of you and how much your presence in my life shapes me into a better person.  To God be all the glory!!

It's Time For My Comeback

I've been meaning to blog now for a few days but I can't seem to find the time to sit down for an extended period of time and do so.  Like my last blog said, I've been so so busy and I'm always on the go, whether it's with work, church, or doing simple errands around town, I'm always finding something that I've committed to.  I feel like I'm in college all over again, which isn't such a bad feeling :) but since this time of year is when Dave is most on my mind, I figured I should let everyone know why this year has been different.  I've explained all of this to my family and my in laws, who are still a crucial and wonderful part of my life and I wouldn't have that any other way!

For those of you who don't know specific dates of my story, February 16, 2013 is the day that Dave and I got married, March 8, 2013 is the day he passed away, and April 1 is his birthday.  So there is about a two month period every year that Dave is on my mind and my heart more than usual.  However, this year has been very different for me.  Last year was the first time that I had to experience the "firsts", the first wedding anniversary without him, first March 8th without him, and all the first holidays without him.  However, now that I know I can get through one year, this year was a much more positive outlook.  I won't even go into what condition I was in when he first passed away (it obviously wasn't good) and last year, I was also in bad shape as I was in an emotionally tumultuous relationship, unemployed, and not right with God because of my life's circumstances.  This year has been so different and for the better.  I'm employed full time at Universal (and I'm cross training into another role for parade starting next week!) and because I don't have a significant other right now, I've truly been able to discover who I am and I feel God has restored my identity, which is something I wondered if I'd ever regain (look at my blog posts from April, 2013).  My church friends have been such a huge help in that department.  I began attending FBC Orlando in October, 2014 and since I got more involved and joined leadership for the young adults group, I've made such a solid group of friends there who have become my source of encouragement, prayer, and fun times all around.  I prayed so hard last summer that God would bring me a good community of believers and as usual, He delivered and so much more than I would've anticipated.  I shared my story at church a few weeks ago and everyone responded so well and has been so wonderful to me since that night.  All I can say is thank you Lord for this group you've blessed me with, they are there to pray for me but also to make me laugh harder than I've ever laughed before!

So basically, the word for this year has been freedom.  I'm free from the grief, I'm free from the drama of past relationships, I'm free of the crap I dealt with for two years.  But I shouldn't be so surprised and I'll tell you why.  The week leading up to Dave's memorial service, I had so much going through my mind about what life would be like without him.  For some reason, "two years" kept coming to my mind,  I wasn't sure what it meant but two years later, now I know.  And my friend Kevin had a big impact on that thinking as he was the one that suggested that maybe that was God's way of telling me that I'd be free from everything in two years.  Kev, you were correct :) Now, when I share my story, I don't shed tears but dwell on the happy memories I had with Dave.  I no longer wonder if I can give my heart to another man one day because I did it almost a year after Dave died and though it didn't work between us, I know it's still possible.  Someone once told me that maybe, just maybe, God made two men just for me, Dave being one of them.  Until Mr. Right (part two) comes along, I cling to the path God has laid before me and continue to try new things until He tells me what to do next.  On Easter Sunday, Pastor David spoke about making a comeback and introduced former Magic player Nick Anderson, who spoke about his comeback after a rough season of not making his normal amount of free throws.  All I kept thinking was "I've made my comeback, now it's time to officially shed the grief, bad relationships, and emotional turmoil behind.  I'm free because He has set me free".

Boy, isn't THAT a big change from the blogs I was writing two years ago.  I can't tell everyone how thankful I am to be in the stage of life that I'm currently in.  I wouldn't trade my life for anything, I have everything I could ever want, plus some because God is in control and always gives me more than I could ever anticipate.  So for all of you going through rough times, hang in there, better times ARE coming!  I say this so often but I wish I could go back in time and tell that redhead to just give it some time, her sass and laughter will one day return :)

'Cuz I'm Happy!

I was looking at some old Facebook posts tonight, mostly from the summer of 2013, when I was back in Arkansas and trying desperately to move back to Orlando.  I had no idea what life was going to be like.  Could I truly live here on my own without Dave or anyone else here to "take care" of me?  Would I be able to get my old job back or get a new job?  The fact that I haven't hardly had time to catch up on TV shows, let alone continue blogging, should be a good indicator of what those answers are.  But in case you're like me and need things spelled out for you, the answer is yes, I have had some help but ultimately, I feel like I'm on my own.  And yes, I was able to go back to parade full time and have my big girl benefits back!  Realizing how much my life has changed made me want to do a quick update for everyone on where I am in my rollercoaster life.

This new year, I'm aiming to look at what I currently have in my life and not focus so much on what's to come.  I was talking with a friend at work today and she got to go to the Passion Conference in Atlanta this past weekend.  During our lunch break, she shared with me everything she learned and what she felt God was telling her to do during this season of her life.  We had identical resolutions, to be grateful for all God has supplied us with and be content with what's happening in our lives right now.  And that's not to say that we won't try to move forward and strive for more but we also know that we don't want to miss out on what's happening right now.  God has me EXACTLY where He wants me and when He's ready for me to move forward, He'll give me the push and the tools necessary to do so as long as I stay in communication with Him.

So to sum up life since last time I blogged, I'm so thankful to be back full time at Universal, I'm beginning to find comfort in a new church, I've formed new friendships and kept the old ones, I'm hoping to go on more vacations this summer (back to Key West I hope!), and I'm still so incredibly happy living in Orlando.  I love visiting Arkansas but I'm here in the Sunshine State to stay!  I'm open to other cities in Florida if the opportunities come up in the future but I enjoy the sun and constant warm weather too much to ever leave the state so don't even try to convince me otherwise :) it's so cliche but I wish I could tell that grieving newlywed from the summer of 2013 to just give it some time, life will turn around and get right back on track.  I do hope to one day find love again but for right now, being on my own isn't so bad, especially when I plan trips for this coming year with family and friends (did I mention I wanna go back to Key West?)

I still love you David Adams and I hope I'm making you proud as I continue writing my life story!

Update: One Year Later

Wow, it's been about 9 months since I wrote my last blog post.  I've been wanting to write again for several months, I just haven't had anything to say.  And in all honesty, that's probably because writing blogs was a form of therapy for me as I grieved the loss of Dave.  However, as time has gone on, I've realized how far I've come since last year.  Don't get me wrong, I think about Dave a lot and will always cherish the 2 years we shared together.  But thankfully, I finally reached the acceptance part of my grieving and that's where I've been for quite sometime now.  In all honesty, moving back to Orlando helped me move along in that process.  So now that I'm finally feeling like myself again, I figured I'd try to start writing again and see if it still works for me, even though I'm no longer grieving the way I was last year.  Things obviously have changed a lot: I got my old job back, I put myself out there and dated someone for a few months, and I've lost a couple of relationships but thankfully, I still have my family, friends, and Dave's parents Paul and Adrienne in my life.  And I'm making some new friends through work and a new church small group, who I've shared my story with, which is becoming easier each time as I'm finally seeing the good that is coming out of the hell I endured.

Coming back to Orlando almost a year ago was the best decision I could have ever made!  God clearly wasn't done here, I've barely scratched the surface.  The transition wasn't easy since I literally was starting from square one.  I was able to hold some seasonal jobs to keep me busy until March, when I returned to Super Star Parade at Universal in my original role, as well as receiving an opportunity to cross train into another role.  Since then, it's literally been go go go.  And those of you who know me well know that I love being busy, I can't sit around and do nothing.  This summer especially has been the craziest busiest summer of my life.  It's peak season at Universal, which means more hours at work and more money :) I've also taken a few trips with friends and family.  I finally went back and visited Arkansas back in May, nine months after I made my move to Florida.  It was wonderful visiting family and old friends and so wonderful hearing the words of encouragement.  It seemed to be a unanimous agreement that me moving back to Orlando was the best thing for me as lots of people told me they could see a huge difference in me.

June began with a trip to Jacksonville to the Florida Country Superfest with my friends Aleah, Jamie, and Casie.  It's a two day music festival with some of the biggest names in today's country music.  All I can say about that weekend was WOW!  I got to see some of my favorite artists, mainly Miranda Lambert and Luke Bryan, both who put on a spectacular show.  After the festival, we stopped in St. Augustine Beach on the way back home.  If you ever get a chance to go to St. Augustine, I highly recommend it.  It's got the most gorgeous beach, not to mention lots of history as it's America's oldest city.  After I returned from the Superfest, my family came to Orlando for a Disney/Vero Beach vacation.  They spent two weeks here so I was able to have all three of my little nieces for an extended period of time.  Claire had the best time out of all of us as she was able to meet Anna and Elsa from Frozen, who are her favorite characters right now.  And best of all, my mom had gotten FastPasses for us so we didn't have to wait in a five hour line!  Amelia is the middle niece, she's a little over a year old and is into everything.  She started walking about a couple of months ago and has discovered the art of taking everything out of purses and knocking items off my coffee table.  She might be a little stinker but boy is she fun to watch.  And finally, I got to meet Michael and Erin's newly adopted girl, Brooklyn.  She's about nine weeks old now and is such a cutie.  I can't wait to see what kind of personality she will have as she's already fun to be around.  Sure, the trip was tiring at times but it's always fun to have the whole family together as it doesn't happen very often.

Last week, I spent a few days in Key West with my friends Jamie and Aleah.  Jamie had never been and I didn't get to experience as much as I would've liked last time as we could only stay for two days so we all decided we needed to take a trip down there.  The only complaint I had is how HOT it is in Key West in July!  I recommend it for a vacation but go in the fall lol.  Other than the humidity, the trip was so much fun.  It didn't take much time for us to adjust to island time and it was nice to not be on a time crunch, we just explored the city and returned to some of our favorite spots.  Probably my favorite night was when we went to watch the sunset at Mallory Square, there's no better view than that and it's especially beautiful watching it set over the ocean.  Besides Hawaii, I can't think of a better place to watch a sunset, it's just gorgeous.  So if you're considering a trip to the Keys, feel free to talk to me because I'm pretty much an expert :) on the way back to Orlando, we stopped in Miami Beach, ate some delicious Spanish food, and walked up and down the strip.  That place is bumping night and day, we were there in the late afternoon and people were already blasting music everywhere we went.  We've decided that next time we stop in Miami, we should stay longer, it's definitely like a different country down there but it sure seems like a lot of fun.

In a nutshell, I've done a lot this summer and I'm so thankful for the opportunities I've had to do so.  Losing Dave has taught me to really appreciate life and just be thankful for what you have.  I might not have anyone by my side currently but I do have wonderful family and friends, a fun job, all the essentials, and I get to live in a tropical climate in one of the greatest cities in the world :) so if anyone wants to know how I'm doing a year and a half later, the answer is pretty dang good!  Hard times are to come I'm sure but if I can endure all of this and not lose my mind, with God's guiding hand, I think I'll be just fine :)

November 1st, A Reason To Celebrate

Well folks, I have two days left of Halloween Horror Nights.  That's right, two days!  It seems like just yesterday that I got the job and quickly moved back down to Orlando.  When I first got down here, there was a period where I wasn't working and I was just auditioning for anything and everything.  Once HHN started, I barely had time to sit down.  I'm getting used to being the busybee that I used to be and I enjoy that a lot!  I loved having a full work schedule again, I didn't realize how much I missed it.  I'm so grateful for this opportunity, it got me back to Orlando, back to Universal, and back to a familiar way of life for me.  And for those of you who haven't heard, I got cast in the Macy's parade at Universal for the Christmas season.  So after a couple weeks of downtime and Thanksgiving with my family in sunny Florida, I'll begin rehearsals for that.

It is November 1st.  For those of you who know me well, this day is significant because this is the day I start listening to Christmas music (and hopefully the day Starbucks has their red cups!) I'm a Christmas nut, it's my favorite time of year and I like to get prepared early.  Everything about Christmas makes me smile, plus my birthday is just a few weeks before Christmas so the weeks leading up are always fun.  However, this year, I found myself dreading November 1st as time crept closer.  This is my first Christmas without Dave.  I hated the fact that I was dreading Christmas this year, that's never happened.  But it's going to get here whether I like it or not and somehow, I need to get myself past this "first".  When I first got back to Orlando, I told my friends how I was feeling.  All of them said the same thing: that they know times will be hard but they were willing to step up this season and make sure that this is one of the best Christmases I ever had.  I wanted to believe everyone but mostly, I wanted to know that I would have some work lined up for the holidays.  I just felt like if I had some kind of Christmas related job, it would help me a lot and keep me semi distracted from the fact that Dave was not here with me.  I kept asking God to change my heart, I didn't want to be bitter this season.  It wasn't until about two weeks ago when I received the news that I had been cast in Macy's that my views of this Christmas finally changed and I found myself looking forward to it again, just like I did when I was a kid!

Christmas isn't just a fun time of year, it's also when I celebrate the birth of my savior.  Had it not been for Jesus's birth, we would have no hope for eternal life and I would lose any chance of seeing Dave and all my other loved ones again.  But that's not the case, Dave was a man of God and he's preparing for his first heavenly Christmas.  He loved this time of year just as much as I do and never objected when I blasted my music on November 1st, he actually encouraged it.  We were both like little kids again but we also remembered the real reason we celebrate is for God and the gift He gave us in His Son.  Dave would not want me or any of us who loved him to be down in the dumps this year.  He still wants me to be the same Kate that went nuts during Christmas, drank peppermint mochas and caramel brulee lattes every day, and trek down to Disney to see the Osborne lights and the Candlelight Processional.  And I could hear him on this Halloween night nudging me to turn on my Christmas music when I got home.  There's no reason not to.  I've got a job for the holidays, I have amazing family and friends who are wanting to celebrate this time with me, and I have a Savior who deserves an amazing birthday celebration.

As I typed this blog on November 1st, I opened up my Spotify Christmas list and turned on Mariah Carey's All I Want For Christmas Is You.  And now all I want to do is listen to all of my Christmas songs and go get a peppermint mocha in the Starbucks holiday cup :) it looks like I won't be a grinch this year after all.  There will be some bittersweet moments for sure but overall, it's going to be a beautiful season, just like God intended for it to be.  There's always a reason to be joyful, even if it's just seeing those gorgeous sparkling crystal lights on Cinderella Castle <3

Hakuna Matata, It Means No Worries

It's been quite awhile since I blogged, I think over a month!  It is now 12:01 in Orlando so today is 7 months since Dave left this world and joined Christ and many of our loved ones in heaven.  As far as where I'm at, I'm almost too busy to think about where I am emotionally.  Since I started working HHN at Universal, my schedule has been non stop with working five nights a week and preparing to move into my new apartment!  For those of you who know me well, you know what a blessing that has been for me!  And I'm enjoying it now since I may not have anything else for awhile when this run is done in November.  But come November, I have a trip to Key West with my best friends and sis in law for our 25th bdays and soon after that, my parents will be in town for Thanksgiving.  So even if I don't get work right away, I'll still have things to look forward to but I'm confident that sooner than later, God will put another job and/or project in my path.  He created me to be a girl on the go, He knows my desires and He's called me back to Orlando for a reason.  Though things haven't fallen in place quite like they did this summer, I still feel so much more at peace here and more like myself again.  There are some bittersweet and frustrating days but overall, I'm so happy living here again!  The sun, the beach, the crazy tourist filled theme parks, that's where I belong right now.  I keep reading verses and devotions about being at peace where you currently are, don't rush the waiting period because it can do more harm than good.  It doesn't get much clearer than that.

Tonight, I was reading posts on Dave's wall from when he first passed away and from a few weeks after his memorial service.  The more I read, the more I began to think about who I am and what I've done.  I never realized until Dave's death what an impact he made on so many people.  People who range from 13 years old to 70 have told me the ways that Dave influenced them and some of them never even met him or barely knew him.  And when you think about an influential person, you think of someone with a major title or job position, such as FDR, Steve Jobs, Martin Luther King Jr, or someone who maybe isn't famous but has a masters degree and is the CEO of a major company or has started their own successful business.  At least that's what I used to think of when someone asked me who I thought was inspirational.  Now that I look back on Dave's short life, he didn't do any of that.  He never had a major salaried job, he never became famous, he never finished college, and he never made a lot of money.  He never held a high position in a church, he simply played his guitar in many worship bands because, in his words, "that's when he felt closest to God and when he felt he was truly speaking to Him."  He never preached a sermon from a pulpit or became an international missionary, he took whatever trips he could afford and showed the love of Christ to everyday people in his own backyard.  Unlike me, he didn't worry about who he was or what people thought of him, he was comfortable in his jeans and flip flops and worshiped God in his own way.  Unlike me, he forgave and didn't hold grudges, he was not one to judge people he didn't know, and he would welcome anyone into his life no matter who they were or what they did.  As his best friend Eric said at his service, if we could sum up Dave in one word, it would be loyalty.  He encouraged me in my walk with Christ and was ready to be a true spiritual leader.

This past Sunday, I was in Sunday School and our leader talked about many traits of Jesus, including His love for all of mankind, His simple lifestyle, the age He died (33), and how many people rejected Him because He was about to make an impact on the world.  The more she talked about Jesus, the more I realized how very much like Him Dave was.  Unlike Jesus, Dave wasn't perfect and he had flaws just like everyone else.  But when I think about each of those traits, I can't help but think how close to Christ Dave really was.  He didn't Bible thump people or preach the gospel verbally 24/7, he chose to bond and form friendships with these people in the hopes that his actions would plant the seed and if needed, he would use words and use them well.  Dave died three weeks before his 33rd birthday, right around the age that Jesus was nailed to the cross.  I say if one is going to die young, that is just about the best and holiest age to go.  It almost makes sense to me now, God knew that Dave's work here would be done in a short amount of time and on March 8, it was time for him to join his Savior and enjoy his heavenly reward.  

When I think about the huge turnout at Dave's visitation and memorial service, my heart swells with pride knowing what an amazing guy God brought into my life.  For some reason, Dave felt a connection with me and chose me of all women to be his wife.  To this day, I don't know what the hell he was thinking :) he could've done soooooo much better than me but boy am I glad that he had the grace and patience to stick by my side for almost two years and love me unconditionally every second of every day.  It's a comfort to me when people tell me they had never seen him happier since the day he'd met me.  He always said that even on my worst day, he would rather come home and fight with me all night long than go and get some from another girl.  That alone defined him as a man, a husband, and a friend.

I've been thinking about my walk with Christ and how can I improve like Dave did.  The main thing I will be working on is the biggest lesson that Dave taught me: DON'T WORRY!  Life is too short to worry about anything, God is bigger than any of our problems.  I know many people are struggling since the government shut down and I completely understand their concerns.  But I also hope that those people will find comfort in God's blessings and power.  Those who seek Him and cry out to Him will be blessed, maybe not in the ways that you had hoped or expected, but He will not leave anyone hanging!  Some people are worried about fessing up to things they've done because they're worried people will reject them.  If people do reject you, they're not worth your time, real friends stick by you no matter what.  Some people are worried about finding a significant other and rush into relationships to satisfy that longing and end up settling.  DON'T DO IT!  A broken heart from a breakup is so much harder to recover from and it will always do more harm than good and settling down with someone you aren't 100% sure you should be with is just as harmful.  I learned the hard way a few times that rushing into a relationship never ends well unless you're the lucky exception that somehow makes it work.  Always always always pray and take some time before entering into a relationship, the wait will always be worth it.

So what will people say at our funerals?  Who will show up?  Who will be there to comfort our loved ones?  We hear this a lot but when someone so close to you dies so young, it hits closer to home and you realized that time is running out.  If you died today, would you have any regrets?  What examples did you set for others?  When people looked at your life, would they say that you lived a bold Christ filled life and you are worshiping Him face to face or would people worry that you didn't make it to heaven?  Would people really care what jobs you held or what kind of money you made?  Would anyone remember how big your house was or what car you drove?  Would anyone remark on how perfect you were at everything you did?  These are just a handful of questions that come to my mind when I think of the example I set now and how much work God still has left for me.

With all that being written, my goal from here on out is going to be very simple: don't worry!  Worrying creates unnecessary stress and anxiety and ain't nobody got time for that.  That was the biggest lesson Dave ever taught me and I hope I'll never forget it.  It goes with everything in life, especially who I am as a person and who I believe God has called me to be.  I'm not one to quote every Bible verse or go around yelling Jesus' name everywhere I go.  But all I know is when I write my blogs, I never say anything I don't mean.  The Bible is my main source and everything points back to it but I also am a firm believer that God will speak to us in many other ways.  I know He does because he's done it for me many times throughout my life, whether it's through a dream, an occasional vision, or a guitar shaped cloud in the sky at the beach to symbolize my husband's presence with Him :) Dave is still with me and will constantly remind me to just "chill out" so that one day, when my life comes to an end and we're finally reunited, he can smile at me and say "wow baby, look at the life you lived, listen to what people are saying about you and how faithful you were in your spiritual walk.  Now go get a glass of wine so we and God can make a toast to your homecoming"