Help Me Find It

Talk about taking a leap of faith!  Ten days ago, I was sitting in a local coffee shop with my mom, one of my childhood friends, and her mom.  I decided to check my email on my phone and the first thing that pops up is auditions for seasonal shows at Universal, Grinchmas being one of them.  I immediately showed the email to my mom and asked "can I go????"  She said she would look at some flights and see if she could find something.  Now normally, I would just let this go and just accept the fact that I wouldn't be there for those auditions.  But for me, this was not going to be just another audition.  Last year, Dave and I went to see a few of my friends perform in Grinchmas and he kept saying to me "babe, why didn't you audition for that? Look how cute you would've been!"  And at that point, we had decided to move back to Arkansas so he knew he would never get to see me "play around in Whoville" and I could tell he was mildly disappointed about that.  I have no idea why he was so hell bent on me auditioning for Grinchmas but he was for some reason so I promised him that next time I got the opportunity, I'd do it.  That afternoon in the coffee shop, the opportunity was presenting itself and I knew I had to go!  I knew there was a good chance that I wouldn't get even get a call back because there's a LOT of talented people in central Florida but I kept telling Mom that if I didn't go, I was going to regret it and I'd jump in the car and drive myself down there if I needed to.  

We both began looking at flights and thought we'd found one.  I'd fly into Orlando on Friday night and get back on Sunday afternoon.  I said that works and began asking friends in Orlando if I could stay with them and who would be willing to drive me to my audition.  The next morning, Mom texted me and said the prices went up $150.  My heart sank, I couldn't believe it  I spent the rest of the day in seclusion because I couldn't understand why God couldn't just help me out here, I wasn't doing this audition purely for myself, I was also doing it in my husband's honor.  We finally found something that was cheaper but it would require me missing one day of another theatre camp.  I immediately messaged a few people from the theatre and asked if someone could cover that first day for me.  At that point, my head was about to explode and I was feeling very anxious so I decided to go walk around the nearby park and clear my head.  That helped tremendously and better yet, when I got home, I had a message that said someone would cover for me and I had permission to go to Florida (thank you Mark and Jules!!)  I called my mom and she booked the flight for me and 24 hours later, I was on a plane to Orlando :)

I auditioned Saturday afternoon and I'm not going to lie, this one was nerve wracking.  It wasn't just another audition to me, this was something I was doing for Dave and I just wanted more than anything to make him proud.  I rehearsed my song and monologue in my head over and over again because I wanted it to be perfect.  Not to mention, I haven't done any auditions that require singing in about two years so I was kind of rusty.  Well, I walked into the audition, did my thing, and had the casting directors laughing a lot (which I wanted, both the song and monologue are supposed to be funny) so I left feeling fairly confident.  At the end, I found out that I got three callbacks, one of them being for Grinchmas!  I called my mom and texted a few friends and left on such a high, knowing that coming to Orlando was the right choice!  I had to overcome a few obstacles to get there but it happened.  This isn't the end, I need to nail the callbacks next week and hope that I'm what they're looking for.  But even if I don't get cast, I can live the rest of my days knowing that I did everything I could to fulfill one of Dave's wishes for me.  Plus, it's just always nice to get a callback, it definitely boosts one's confidence :) 

I hope this is the beginning of life finally moving upward for me and hopefully, one of these callbacks will lead to a job and back to Orlando soon.  As time goes on, I feel that my time in Arkansas is soon going to come to a close and I'll begin "Orlando: Chapter 2".  This time of my life is giving me a renewed hope, that hitting rock bottom might one day be worth it, that one day my life is going to be very very different than how I originally pictured it but it's going to be a good one.  Just think, four months ago, I could barely get out of bed and I had no desire to go on with my life and now, I can't wait to see what God has in store.  My prayer is that He will direct me on His path and I will find His will and His will alone. 

I heard this song the other day and I've heard it before but for the first time, I really listened to the words.  It perfectly describes both where I was when Dave first died and where I am today.  There's a reason why we sometimes hit "rock bottom", think of that "rock" that we hit as Christ, the Solid Rock catching us and slowly helping us get back up again.  

"Help Me Find It"

I don’t know where to go from here
It all used to seem so clear
I’m finding I can’t do this on my own

I don’t know where to go from here
As long as I know that You are near
I’m done fighting
I’m finally letting go

I will trust in You
You’ve never failed before
I will trust in You

If there’s a road I should walk
Help me find it
If I need to be still
Give me peace for the moment
Whatever Your will
Whatever Your will
Can you help me find it
Can you help me find it

I’m giving You fear and You give faith
I giving you doubt
You give me grace
For every step I’ve never been alone

Even when it hurts, You’ll have Your way
Even in the valley I will say
With every breath
You’ve never let me go

I will wait for You
You’ve never failed before
I will wait for You

If there’s a road I should walk
Help me find it
If I need to be still
Give me peace for the moment
Whatever Your will
Whatever Your will
Can you help me find it
Can you help me find it

I lift my empty hands (come fill me up again)
Have Your way my King (I give my all to You)
I lift my eyes again (Was blind but now I see)
‘Cause You are all I need

If there’s a road I should walk
Help me find it
If I need to be still
Give me peace for the moment
Whatever Your will
Whatever Your will
Can you help me find it
Can you help me find it

Life Changes, In a Split Second

I wasn't planning on writing a blog tonight because it's getting so late.  However, the news has blown up today as we were informed of the verdict in the George Zimmerman case (Orlando friends and family, stay safe!).  Facebook was finally calming down when I got home past midnight, then it began blowing up again.  "Glee" star Cory Monteith has passed away at the age of 31, just one year younger than Dave.

It just shows us once again that life can change or end, in one second!  One second, you're alive and the next, you're gone forever.  Or in Zimmerman's case, even though the jury found him not guilty, his life has still changed in a split second.  You think he can walk down the streets of central Florida and not get harassed?  He's going to have to live incognito for many years.  And I definitely don't feel sorry for him but think if that was you?  If you had a normal life, then bam, you're now hated by half of America and can't be safe hardly anywhere.  Or in Trayvon's parents case, one minute they had a son and the next, their son was taken away from them.  In one second, Cory Monteith is no longer with us and his family, friends, and girlfriend Lea Michele now have to come to terms with their new normal.  On March 8, I was hugging and kissing my husband goodbye, then five hours later, I was sitting in a hospital in shock because I had just been told that he was gone and it's going to be awhile before I see him again.  My world, Dave's family and friends', and my family's world was turned upside down in a matter of a second.

I'm seeing what an impact Cory has made in his short life and four months ago, I saw what a legacy Dave has left behind.  It makes me think, if I were to die today, what would people say at my funeral?  Who all would show up?  Would people know how to treat each other during that time or would they wonder what I would think?  There are so many "what if's" in our lives, why don't we do what we can to get rid of those.  We don't know what's going to happen tomorrow.  Life is a very short but precious gift that God gives us so take advantage of every day!  Some people live every day in misery or just focus on all the bad that's in this world and how those of us who are believers in Christ shouldn't like being in this world.  I disagree!!  While I long for heaven and I can't wait for that glorious day, why dishonor God by wasting my life away?  God gives us life for a reason and He wants for us to use that time for His glory, which includes treating life like the amazing gift that He intends for it to be.

Dave and Cory lived a full life in their 31 and 32 years and I can tell you that Dave lived with very few regrets.  That's my new outlook for life: live with no regrets, even if that means trying something and failing.  At least I know people could say at my funeral "well, she messed up a LOT but look at what she got to experience" rather than "hmmmm, did Kate do anything special in her life?" Live every day like it's your last, that way when you take that last breath, you can be assured that your loved ones will have nothing but great memories to hold on to.  Thank you Dave for living that kind of life, it makes this situation easier knowing that you were a happy guy when you took that last breath :) now it's time for me to live that same way!

Letting Go and Letting God

Wow, it's been almost a month since my last blog post!  My last blog post was written the day before I left for Orlando for my first visit since coming back to Arkansas.  I had such a good time!  The first week, my college friends Courtney, Megan, and Andrea came to Orlando and we all had a mini vacation in the place where our friendship first began.  This has been a rough year for all four of us so we all needed that time together.  We went back to a lot of our old hang outs, including New Smyrna Beach, Cowboys, and Chick Fil A.  Mostly, we just laughed and tried to leave our problems behind so we could just have fun together, which we did!  I also spent two nights on the beach in Daytona with Mom, went back to the church where Dave and I got married, visited with Corky who married us and did Dave's service, got to have dinner with a few people who knew Dave from Carillon church, visited Disney and Universal, hung out with my Universal friends and went to the entertainment Woody awards, and spent the last few nights with my in laws. There were definitely some bittersweet moments and I didn't know how I would handle some of those.  As I anticipated, those hard moments were soon followed by feelings of peace and contentment knowing that I would soon be back in this place that I call home and surrounded by these people who love me and want to help me as much as they can.  Going back will not be easy, it will be hard but I'm confident that in the long run, it will be the best thing for me.

I also had two auditions while I was down there.  One of them didn't go so well and the other one seemed to go very well.  I did my monologue for the casting directors and they all laughed a lot, which is always a good sign.  That makes two possibilities for a job so far, including that Disney audition I had in Chicago!  There are one or two others coming up at the end of July, at the same time that I will be visiting Orlando again.  I hope that these auditions popping up is a sign that doors are opening slowly for me!  I have to at least have some seasonal or part time work when I move back down.  While I'm in Fayetteville, I do have some work going on with a local childrens' theatre so I'm slowly getting back into working again.  I can't go backwards and have no job or work when I get back to Orlando, it'll drive me nuts!  So if anyone hears of any other auditions for shows, theme parks, dinner theatres, etc, let me know!  I'm open to just about anything that involves acting, singing, and not too advanced dancing :)

These past few months and few weeks of auditioning has really taught me a major lesson: I'm SOOOOO not in control of my life.  I always knew that I wasn't but a part of me thought that maybe God would allow me to take the reins from time to time.  Well He definitely likes to be more of the control freak but let's face it, He knows what He's doing, He's allowed to be.  I had one day last week that I became very discouraged because I wanted to go back down to Orlando for Halloween Horror Nights auditions at Universal and it looked like I was going to miss them.  So I prayed that God would calm my heart and just let the doors open as He saw fit.  The next morning, I got a text from my mom saying that she came across the Universal audition page and she noticed that the auditions were taking place over a period of three weeks, not three days.  The last day to audition would be July 30, the same time that I'm going to be in town!!!!  I don't know if I'll get cast or not but what a God thing that was!  Times like those show me that if I just literally let go and let God do His work, things will fall into place!  I can worry like crazy or I can put my trust in Him and do the David Adams way of life and just take things one step at a time.  Even if none of these auditions work out, God has something planed for me.  I know for sure that He is calling me back to Orlando so I'm confident that He will not send me down there and not give me a job of some sort.

That same day I signed up for the HHN auditions, I was reading my devotion in Jesus Calling and one particular part stuck out to me.  It said "You will never be in control of your life circumstances but you can relax and trust in My control.  Instead of striving for a predictable safe lifestyle, seek to know Me in greater depth and breadth.  I long to make your life a glorious adventure but you must stop clinging to old ways.  I am always doing something new within My beloved ones.  Be on the lookout for all that I have prepared for you."  I don't think it can get much clearer than that :)

Knowing me and knowing that God made me adventurous for a reason, my life is going to be one crazy rollercoaster full of unexpected turns and twists.  It already has been and while there's a few twists that I didn't like, life always turns around and goes back uphill eventually.  I realized recently that God tends to send some of these twists and turns my way much sooner than I expect.  I'm guessing He probably does that to test me to see if I'll really let go and rely on my faith alone.  He very well might do that this time but He might decide to switch it up and make me stew a little.  Either way, I'm content that His way is perfect and His plan for my life is going to be one that's extremely crazy and unpredictable.  And you know, I don't think I'd have it any other way :)