I leave for Orlando tomorrow!! This will be the first visit back there since I moved back to Fayetteville just ten days after Dave passed away. A part of me is kind of nervous about going back, it will bring back lots of memories. But I also remember that there's been a few "firsts" that I've been nervous about and guess what, God brought me through those and they ended up being amazing (such as my first trip back to Fort Lauderdale and my friend's wedding last weekend). I won't deny that there will be some bittersweet, tearful moments but I also expect some fun fun fun while I'm there too! I'll be seeing old friends and old college roommates, going to Universal and the entertainment Woody awards, searching for apartments, doing a couple of auditions for Disney and Sea World, and visiting my in laws Paul and Adrienne.
Even though God has made it quite clear to me and pretty much everyone I know that Orlando is where I need to be, I do sometimes have second thoughts. The only thing standing in my way is fear and the only thing I fear is the memories that I have in Orlando with Dave. Last week, I asked God if I was truly ready to do this. I feel like He said a lot after that (He's quite the chatterbox these days) but here are the points that stuck out to me the most:
1. I have known Orlando both with and without Dave. It will be very similar to my life before I met him, except I won't be in college, I'll hopefully be working.
2. I am not the first person that has lived in the same location that they lost their loved one. Many people even live in the same house for years and end up being just fine. If they can do that, what makes me think that I can't live in the same city?
3. While the people in Arkansas are great, no one here except my family knew Dave and can grieve with me. People in Orlando knew Dave and they are just as heartbroken as I am. I have a community there that gets it and I'm sure they need someone to talk to just as much as I do. We can be in grievance together.
4. I was reminded of a time about three years ago that's nowhere near as tragic as this but it still sucked. I was spending a month in Germany for a musical theatre workshop and beforehand, I went home to Arkansas for two weeks and when I returned, I'd be in Arkansas another week. So I was away from Orlando for almost two months. A week before I left for Germany, some boy drama I had been having escalated and, in summary, I found out I had been cheated on, lied to, left for another girl, and taken advantage of, all in one day. Being in Arkansas wasn't enough, I felt trapped and like I couldn't escape, even though I was 1,000 miles away. That trip to Germany couldn't have come at a better time! I needed that time away so I could collect my emotions and I honestly wondered if I could ever go back to Orlando and face all of that. And guess what happened? By the end of the two months, I was so homesick for Orlando and I couldn't wait to get back, even though I knew I'd have to confront everything. That time away was just what I needed and once I was back, I felt stronger than ever and though there were a few bumps in the road, that road led me to Dave just a few months later :)
The same thing is happening. The circumstances are different but it's the same emotions. Being in Arkansas has helped me heal and given me a "leave of absence" from Orlando. But I've had a few months to get myself back together, it's time to get up and try again. Orlando is where I've experienced the most heartache in my life but I've also had the best times of my life there. To me, that's what home is. A place that no matter what happens in your life, you feel a sense of belonging and comfort. Orlando is that place for me.
Who knows, I MIGHT end up changing my mind once I visit and decide to stay in Arkansas but I seriously doubt that. I need to at least try, I will regret it for the rest of my life if I don't. And knowing that I have family and friends there who are willing to help me once I'm there is such a comfort. I bet if I stick it out, great things will happen and my life will begin to sort itself out, just like it did three years ago.
Pray for me that my auditions will go well and I will find a job there! Finances are not a worry, I know God will provide no matter what but I need to do something with my time since I like to stay busy. And pray that I will find a safe and comfortable place to live and most of all, that I will laugh a lot and just enjoy myself while I'm there. I know I will, it's too fun of a city and I have the most awesome friends down there. How can one not have fun in O Town :) I hope to know fairly soon when exactly I'm moving down there but it will be sooner than later, I'm guessing late summer. But whenever it does happen will be in God's timing and I know I will be welcomed back with open arms!
P.S. A little side note, we received Dave's medical results so we finally have some closure. However, I want to keep it mostly confidential (with the exception of family) until I've had time to go over the report with Dave's parents and make sure I'm getting all of my facts straight. But just know these three things for now:
1. It was natural causes and could happen to anyone
2. Genetics were most likely involved and since he was adopted, he didn't know his medical history and a normal checkup wouldn't have helped
3. It was very quick and he most likely did not feel any pain, which is a comfort for me and I hope for his family as well. When the time is right, I will be more specific with everyone but I hope those who loved him take comfort in the fact that no matter what happened, we were so happy the days leading up to his death and he's even happier now. What a great day that will be when we all get to experience what Dave now has, the feeling of eternal peace and joy in the presence of the Lord!
Friday, June 14, 2013
Saturday, June 8, 2013
Jessica and Brayden's Wedding
One of my best friends, Jessica Flynn, got married to the love of her life, Brayden Wood last night on Friday, June 7, 2013 (6/7/13 because 6 + 7=13). Jess and I have known each other since high school and we've remained close friends ever since, which I know is rare once people move on with college and whatnot so I treasure her friendship a lot. Jess is not just one of my best friends but she's also been one of my greatest supporters in everything I've ever done in life. She was beyond thrilled for me when I first got the job at Disney, was very curious about this guy named Dave who was interested in me, and lent me a shoulder to cry on and uplifted my sad spirits when I returned to Fayetteville after Dave's death. She was one of the first people that I told when I felt God leading me back to Orlando last month and last night, I got to stand with her and seven other girls at Mt. Sequoyah as she and Brayden promised their love and commitment to each other.
I know many people have wondered why in the world I would put myself through that after everything that happened to me. Jess asked me to be a bridesmaid back in the fall (via a Ring Pop in a little box with a note that said "will you be my bridesmaid?") and not only was I excited but Dave was too. He right away said "do it, they're an awesome couple and that'll definitely give us a good excuse to take off work and go to their wedding if you're in it." Dave had only met Jess and Brayden once but we all had such a fun time together and he could see why I love hanging out with Jess. We immediately put their date on the calendar and planned to be there.
After Dave passed away, Jess and her mom Liz contacted me and asked me several times if I was sure that I still wanted to do this and gave me the option of backing out. I almost considered it because I knew everyone would understand and I didn't know if I would be ready or not. But after thinking it through, I told Jess I still wanted to do it. Maybe it was slightly too soon but it's also another Band Aid that I would need to rip off eventually, I can't avoid weddings for the rest of my life. So why not take a risk and see how things go. Plus, Jess had been such a good friend to me and Dave thought so highly of her that I almost felt that it'd be a dishonor to him if I wasn't standing up there with her. So I took the risk this weekend and boy am I so glad I did! Jess checked on me a few times and asked me if I was still okay and each time, I answered with true honesty and said that it was slightly bittersweet but I was having so much fun with the other girls and being in that wedding mode again. It's refreshing to see someone so happy in life, it makes me want to continue to be happy as well.
The ceremony was only hard for me at one point and that was during communion because the song that was played was "Beautiful Things" by Gungor. That same song was played at Dave's service because it was one of his favorites and held a deep meaning to him and his life. But after a minute, I looked down at my Dave tattoo, then I looked up slightly to the sky and I swear I saw Dave smiling at me. I felt at that moment, God was saying that He is making my life beautiful before my very eyes and look how far I've already come after three months. If He can make beautiful things out of dust, I know He's making all things in my life beautiful once again. Jess later came up to me and almost apologized for using that song and I told her to not feel that way, God used that bittersweet moment and turned it into a beautiful promise, not just for me but for her as well.
I survived my first wedding "post Dave" and what a wonderful day it was! I can't help but be happy at weddings, especially when I think of the beautiful wedding that I had with Dave and how that was one of his last events in his life and thank God he got to experience that. And yes, I'm sure that one day I will fall in love again and be able to have another wonderful (but completely different) day of love and celebration. Until that day comes, I'm focused on my life as it is now and the adventurous, unpredictable path I'm taking. Dave always said to treat everything in life as one big adventure, it just makes it more fun that way. So I'm doing just that and relying on him to help me stay on track.
Congratulations Jess and Brayden, thank you so much for allowing me to be a part of your special day. It was such an honor and I truly had so much fun with both of you this weekend. You've helped me move along even further in this process of acceptance and moving on with my life.
I know many people have wondered why in the world I would put myself through that after everything that happened to me. Jess asked me to be a bridesmaid back in the fall (via a Ring Pop in a little box with a note that said "will you be my bridesmaid?") and not only was I excited but Dave was too. He right away said "do it, they're an awesome couple and that'll definitely give us a good excuse to take off work and go to their wedding if you're in it." Dave had only met Jess and Brayden once but we all had such a fun time together and he could see why I love hanging out with Jess. We immediately put their date on the calendar and planned to be there.
After Dave passed away, Jess and her mom Liz contacted me and asked me several times if I was sure that I still wanted to do this and gave me the option of backing out. I almost considered it because I knew everyone would understand and I didn't know if I would be ready or not. But after thinking it through, I told Jess I still wanted to do it. Maybe it was slightly too soon but it's also another Band Aid that I would need to rip off eventually, I can't avoid weddings for the rest of my life. So why not take a risk and see how things go. Plus, Jess had been such a good friend to me and Dave thought so highly of her that I almost felt that it'd be a dishonor to him if I wasn't standing up there with her. So I took the risk this weekend and boy am I so glad I did! Jess checked on me a few times and asked me if I was still okay and each time, I answered with true honesty and said that it was slightly bittersweet but I was having so much fun with the other girls and being in that wedding mode again. It's refreshing to see someone so happy in life, it makes me want to continue to be happy as well.
The ceremony was only hard for me at one point and that was during communion because the song that was played was "Beautiful Things" by Gungor. That same song was played at Dave's service because it was one of his favorites and held a deep meaning to him and his life. But after a minute, I looked down at my Dave tattoo, then I looked up slightly to the sky and I swear I saw Dave smiling at me. I felt at that moment, God was saying that He is making my life beautiful before my very eyes and look how far I've already come after three months. If He can make beautiful things out of dust, I know He's making all things in my life beautiful once again. Jess later came up to me and almost apologized for using that song and I told her to not feel that way, God used that bittersweet moment and turned it into a beautiful promise, not just for me but for her as well.
I survived my first wedding "post Dave" and what a wonderful day it was! I can't help but be happy at weddings, especially when I think of the beautiful wedding that I had with Dave and how that was one of his last events in his life and thank God he got to experience that. And yes, I'm sure that one day I will fall in love again and be able to have another wonderful (but completely different) day of love and celebration. Until that day comes, I'm focused on my life as it is now and the adventurous, unpredictable path I'm taking. Dave always said to treat everything in life as one big adventure, it just makes it more fun that way. So I'm doing just that and relying on him to help me stay on track.
Congratulations Jess and Brayden, thank you so much for allowing me to be a part of your special day. It was such an honor and I truly had so much fun with both of you this weekend. You've helped me move along even further in this process of acceptance and moving on with my life.
Sunday, June 2, 2013
I'm No Different
Today during small group at church, Emery asked us if we would be willing to share our testimonies and the moment of change in our spiritual lives. I shared the short one minute version of mine but for the first time, I wasn't ashamed of my story. I didn't have one of those moments of "wow, this is what God is all about" when I first received salvation. I was eight years old, I'd grown up in church my whole life, and I decided one rainy Monday that I was ready to, as a little kid describes this experience, "ask Jesus into my heart." However, as I got older, I had other things that I struggled with, even though I was already a believer. I've questioned my faith, I've had doubts, I've had to fearfully ask God some tough questions, and for the longest time, I secretly felt like I was a terrible Christian. But God being the amazing Father He is, He answers those questions and gives me peace that our relationship is not ruined by me having doubts and making mistakes from time to time. I don't know why I feel compelled to write this entry but it's going to be quite personal and I'm going to share some things that I've never shared before. Nothing too exciting or juicy will be said but it always gives me peace to read stories of people who are similar to me so maybe this entry will one day help someone else who has shared some of these same struggles.
Even though I was saved at age 8, I didn't know what it was like to truly be in a relationship with Christ until I was about 14. By that point, I was beginning to realize that not everyone was like me. We were all getting to that point where we were forming our own opinions and not just what our parents had taught us, which I think is eventually how it should be. However, none of us were mature enough to be prepared for what life would one day throw in our direction. I was one of those typical teens that thought I knew it all and was too stubborn to admit when I was wrong (oh let's face it, I'm still that way at times). All I wanted was to find a place of acceptance and love but it was hard. I had friends in school and at church but I was never secure in any of those relationships and I had a tendency to push people away. I would be one person at school, then another person at church. I just needed everyone everywhere to like me and accept me, that's what was important in my life. I'd get caught up in gossip and spreading rumors so I'd be accepted at school, then I'd put on a new face at church and be the perfect devout Bible reading Christian girl that I felt I needed to be in order to be accepted by the youth group. Even though I was miserable and wished that I could be the same person at both school and church, I kept it hidden as well as I could and never opened up to anyone just how lonely I felt at both locations.
It was when I reached college that I finally began to "merge" the two Kates into one Kate. I don't know if it was the feeling of starting over or if I just matured (or maybe both). All I know is I promised myself that I was going to be who I truly was, whether people liked it or not. And yes, I did lose a few friends and acquaintances in the process but once I got through that initial shock of losing a few friends, I realized just how unimportant it is what people think of me. I also saw people around me who didn't know how to be themselves and they seemed as though they were trapped. I suddenly felt free and open and I couldn't believe that I had deprived myself of that feeling for so many years.
When I met Dave and started dating him, the final pieces of the mask I'd been hiding behind finally came off. He loved the fact that I was more "scandalous" than other Christian girls, he didn't want a goodie two shoes and truthfully, I didn't either. When I say scandalous, it's nothing hardcore so don't get too excited. It just means that I sometimes like to have alcoholic drinks (responsibly), I have a tattoo, I listen to hip hop music that has a good beat to dance to, and I appreciate dirty jokes. That's just who I am. Now do I talk about stuff like that in church? Not really because there are some people who have really struggled with some of those things in the past and I want to be sensitive to that. Doing those things does not make me or anyone else a bad person nor does it change my love for Christ. However, now that I've taken off my mask and I just tell it how it is, I'm more encouraged than ever to grow in my spiritual life and not go down any bad paths. I've come this far and I have a guardian angel that I have to make proud, why would I regress? Those feelings of trying to please people only came back to haunt me once. Dave and I had some struggles when we were first together and there were a few people, about 2%, that were very critical of those struggles and did not encourage us in our relationship (someone even told me that we should break up because we weren't honoring God as we should). I beat myself up about it for one day, then Dave told me to cut it out and stop believing these lies. Yes, we didn't deny that we made a few mistakes like every other couple has done but those did the opposite of break us up, they made us stronger and from that point on, we encouraged each other, prayed together, and ignored anyone or anything that tried to bring us down. One year later, we stood at the altar together and promised each other a Godly marriage and to be Christ like examples for our families and friends, the 98% who always supported and prayed for us. So David Adams, thank you for always encouraging me to be myself and not believe any lies that might come my way. I'm not perfect, I never will be but having him in my life made me want to be a better person and live for Christ even more.
Throughout these past few months, people have told me how inspired they are by my story and by my blogs. That blows me away because I've never thought of myself as a deep person or a great writer. I just say what's on my mind, whether it's a slightly deep analogy or a little bit of dark humor. But I feel I'm living proof that God can use anyone to shed His light and share His promises. I used to think that God could never use a horrid person like me because He only uses "the good people" who work in ministry and do their quiet times every single day. He wouldn't use an "average and sinful" girl like me, I'm not good enough. Turns out, I'm no different than the pastor next door but I'm also no different than anyone in the local jail. We're all sinners, we all mess up, but God loves us to the end and He's ready to trust and use any of us to do His will if we allow Him to.
Even though I was saved at age 8, I didn't know what it was like to truly be in a relationship with Christ until I was about 14. By that point, I was beginning to realize that not everyone was like me. We were all getting to that point where we were forming our own opinions and not just what our parents had taught us, which I think is eventually how it should be. However, none of us were mature enough to be prepared for what life would one day throw in our direction. I was one of those typical teens that thought I knew it all and was too stubborn to admit when I was wrong (oh let's face it, I'm still that way at times). All I wanted was to find a place of acceptance and love but it was hard. I had friends in school and at church but I was never secure in any of those relationships and I had a tendency to push people away. I would be one person at school, then another person at church. I just needed everyone everywhere to like me and accept me, that's what was important in my life. I'd get caught up in gossip and spreading rumors so I'd be accepted at school, then I'd put on a new face at church and be the perfect devout Bible reading Christian girl that I felt I needed to be in order to be accepted by the youth group. Even though I was miserable and wished that I could be the same person at both school and church, I kept it hidden as well as I could and never opened up to anyone just how lonely I felt at both locations.
It was when I reached college that I finally began to "merge" the two Kates into one Kate. I don't know if it was the feeling of starting over or if I just matured (or maybe both). All I know is I promised myself that I was going to be who I truly was, whether people liked it or not. And yes, I did lose a few friends and acquaintances in the process but once I got through that initial shock of losing a few friends, I realized just how unimportant it is what people think of me. I also saw people around me who didn't know how to be themselves and they seemed as though they were trapped. I suddenly felt free and open and I couldn't believe that I had deprived myself of that feeling for so many years.
When I met Dave and started dating him, the final pieces of the mask I'd been hiding behind finally came off. He loved the fact that I was more "scandalous" than other Christian girls, he didn't want a goodie two shoes and truthfully, I didn't either. When I say scandalous, it's nothing hardcore so don't get too excited. It just means that I sometimes like to have alcoholic drinks (responsibly), I have a tattoo, I listen to hip hop music that has a good beat to dance to, and I appreciate dirty jokes. That's just who I am. Now do I talk about stuff like that in church? Not really because there are some people who have really struggled with some of those things in the past and I want to be sensitive to that. Doing those things does not make me or anyone else a bad person nor does it change my love for Christ. However, now that I've taken off my mask and I just tell it how it is, I'm more encouraged than ever to grow in my spiritual life and not go down any bad paths. I've come this far and I have a guardian angel that I have to make proud, why would I regress? Those feelings of trying to please people only came back to haunt me once. Dave and I had some struggles when we were first together and there were a few people, about 2%, that were very critical of those struggles and did not encourage us in our relationship (someone even told me that we should break up because we weren't honoring God as we should). I beat myself up about it for one day, then Dave told me to cut it out and stop believing these lies. Yes, we didn't deny that we made a few mistakes like every other couple has done but those did the opposite of break us up, they made us stronger and from that point on, we encouraged each other, prayed together, and ignored anyone or anything that tried to bring us down. One year later, we stood at the altar together and promised each other a Godly marriage and to be Christ like examples for our families and friends, the 98% who always supported and prayed for us. So David Adams, thank you for always encouraging me to be myself and not believe any lies that might come my way. I'm not perfect, I never will be but having him in my life made me want to be a better person and live for Christ even more.
Throughout these past few months, people have told me how inspired they are by my story and by my blogs. That blows me away because I've never thought of myself as a deep person or a great writer. I just say what's on my mind, whether it's a slightly deep analogy or a little bit of dark humor. But I feel I'm living proof that God can use anyone to shed His light and share His promises. I used to think that God could never use a horrid person like me because He only uses "the good people" who work in ministry and do their quiet times every single day. He wouldn't use an "average and sinful" girl like me, I'm not good enough. Turns out, I'm no different than the pastor next door but I'm also no different than anyone in the local jail. We're all sinners, we all mess up, but God loves us to the end and He's ready to trust and use any of us to do His will if we allow Him to.
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