I'm Not The Only One

As I'm typing this blog post, I'm sitting in my new home with my new cat who's nuzzling my arm so I'll pet her instead of type.  I also just got back from an Irish dance class and I'm waking up early tomorrow morning for a little book club with a few girls from church at Panera.  Obviously, I'm establishing a little routine in my life but I'm not actively looking for a full time job until after summer ends because I already have too many obligations until then.  I'll be doing a few children's theatre camps and I'll also be traveling back and forth to different parts of Florida.  I'm so excited for the first trip to Fort Lauderdale in just two weeks!  Dave's sister and her family live there and his niece Lexi has a ballet recital so I'm going to represent both Dave and myself and be there for that.  Not to mention lay on the beach and take a cooking class with Rachel.  It'll be nice to get away for a little bit and spend time with my sister in law, brother in law, and niece.  

This past week, I've realized that not only am I the only one who's going through a rough time, there are many people who are braving darker storms than mine and lean on God more than I have.  Granted, I've had no choice but to lean on God but I'm amazed at the trials people go through and yet seem to still have it together and still have the joy of the Lord in them all the time.  I'm sure they have their rock bottom moments but these people inspire me to be more like Christ.  I don't know if they know that they're inspiring me, especially those of them who I don't know very well.  Which then makes me think "well, am I inspiring anyone through my story?"  If so, great, I hope I'm doing a good job!  If not, I at least hope I'll make God and Dave proud with the way I live my life and carry myself.  

As far as the kinds of trials I've seen this past week, most of them do not involve death.  We always think that death is the worst kind of pain that people can experience.  But death is not anything to be feared when we have the hope of eternal life.  I KNOW I'll see Dave again one day, along with many other loved ones.  It might be awhile but it'll happen and he'll be waiting for me when I come home.  So even though my situation sucks, it will have a happy ending and until then, I know I'll have happy moments in life to look forward to (such as my summer trips to Florida!!!).  At least I know Dave is safe and content.  Some people have missing children and do not know where they are.  Some people are in unhappy relationships and do not know how to leave.  Some people might seem like they have it all but on the inside, they're hurting deeply and might not having anyone to talk to about their pain.  And some people have a normal life but do not have faith and fear what their next step is.

Pondering all of this, as much as I know that this event was tragic and I did lose a lot, I'm also beginning to gain a lot.  I don't know where I'll end up living next year but God does.  Sadly, Dave will not be my lifetime partner and the father of my future children so I don't know who will be but God does.  I don't know what I'll be doing for a living but God does.  I don't know when I'll finally be able to see my Dave again but God does.  But this is what keeps me going every day: God has me exactly where He wants and He has shown me that I'm not the only person who's going through a rough time and in fact, things could be much worse.  I still have my family, Dave's family, friends who I can be my crazy self around, my health, finances to last me awhile, a nice starter house, etc.  And most of all, I have God's abundant love and grace.  Though I have rough moments and I don't ever water down what happened to me and our families, I also am focusing on thanking God for what I still DO have rather than dwell on what I no longer have.  And Dave is still around so technically, I will never lose him :)

I'm not the only one going through hard times.  I'm not the only one who lost a husband early in life.  And I'm not the only one who God is carrying at this moment.  He has a plan for all of our lives, a plan that will fulfill the Godly desires of our hearts and will please Him and bring forth His word.  I'm not the only one He has a plan for.  

Below is the lyrics to Chris Tomlin's "How Can I Keep From Singing".  The words are helpful to me so if you're reading this and you're also facing a dark period, try listening and/or reading these lyrics.  God uses music to speak to artsy, right-brained people like myself :)

There is an endless song
Echoes in my soul
I hear the music ring

And though the storms may come
I am holding on
To the rock I cling

How can I keep from singing Your praise
How can I ever say enough
How amazing is Your love
How can I keep from shouting Your name
I know I am loved by the King
And it makes my heart want to sing

I will lift my eyes
In the darkest night
For I know my Savior lives

And I will walk with You
Knowing You'll see me through
And sing the songs You give

I can sing in the troubled times
Sing when I win
I can sing when I lose my step
And fall down again
I can sing 'cause You pick me up
Sing 'cause You're there
I can sing 'cause You hear me, Lord
When I call to You in prayer
I can sing with my last breath
Sing for I know
That I'll sing with the angels
And the saints around the throne

Godspeed,

<3 Kate

Matching Grief

Before all of this happened, I had never experienced a lot of grief in my life.  And at age 24, it's a weird blessing in disguise that this is the first time in my life I'm really having to rely on my faith and Christ alone.  It's so easy to give thanks and praise Him when things are going well or life is just trekking along.  However, it really takes a test like this to find out where you stand with God and just how much are you willing to trust Him.  And if you're a lucky one like me (no tremendous pain until your adulthood), realize that hard times are coming.  We can't escape pain in life and I'm sure there will be more hard times to come for me and others.  But God is the same today, tomorrow, and forever and He is right there alongside of every step of the way, through the good and the bad.  He never promised us an easy life but a life where He will use everything for good, even during those crappy times.  And He never ever puts us through something that He knows we can't handle.  As time goes on and I accept my life as it is, it actually gets easier to cling on to God's promise and whether my life gets any better or not (which I know it will), there is a heavenly reward waiting for me at the end that I get to look forward to.  And I expect Dave will have a spot reserved for me on one side of him, the spot on his other side reserved for The Edge :)

Up until this point of my life, like most people, I never knew what to say to someone who were going through hard times.  Everyone is different, you just don't know how someone who's hurting is going to respond to anything that's said to them.  Sometimes, I'm unpredictable as well.  I don't get angry as much as I used to, I think I'm slowly beginning to move on from that and into the final stage of grief, which is something along the lines of accepting this new normal.  But I could revert back at any time.  About 80% of the time, I'm okay but there is that 20% that I could blow up or start randomly sobbing.  If someone who didn't know my story saw me during one of those outbursts, they'd probably think that I've escaped from a mental institution.  But those who do know my story certainly aren't surprised.  Alarmed, maybe but definitely not surprised.  However, I was prepared for people to be speechless around me or even avoid me at times.  I can't blame them!  When my life is zig zagging all over the place, it's hard to keep up.  But the people who I knew would stick around are still around.  There are a few that I don't talk to as much as I used to but I have yet to be let down by someone that I'm close to.  I've even gotten to know some people who I didn't know before purely because they can relate to my pain.  Grief can tear people apart but it can also bring people together. 

Obviously, I'm still learning a lot in all of this.  I don't think I'll ever stop learning from this experience  It's the one good thing that will surely come out of this and I don't doubt that there will be more good in the future.  But after almost two months of grieving, I've discovered how I handle pain and how I want people around to treat me.  Most people I know seem to have a pretty good grasp on my personality and know what to say around me.  But if you don't and you would like to hear it from the horse's mouth, here we go.  It's simple: treat me like you always have and/or match however I'm feeling that moment.  If I seem like I'm pretty down, be sympathetic but go ahead and try to cheer me up a little, it'll most likely work.  If I'm laughing, laugh with me.  If you honestly don't know what to say regarding Dave, it's okay, we don't have to talk about him.  Ask me about something else or tell me what you've been up to.  And if you can't think of the right thing to say about my situation but you truly feel compelled to say something, simply say "I hope you're doing okay and I'm here if you need anything."  It's all about matching grief, that's what my youth pastor's wife told me and I think that's the best advice any grieving person can give.  It's not healthy to always be happy and never sad but the other way around isn't good either.  However, I believe that there is a happy medium, which is to try and stay positive but if I need to escape and throw something against the wall or go cry for a few minutes, I will.  

I hope I will become much more mature and Christ filled as a result from this tragedy.  But no matter what, I will always be the same crazy kooky Kate who occasionally says the most inappropriate and/or ditzy comments in the most inopportune times.  That's the woman who Dave fell in love with so I for sure won't change who I am.  If you normally love making fun of me, keep doing so :)  If you want to just hug me, that's okay too.  I will never turn down a hug from a friend or miss out on hearing a funny joke.  Knowing that there's people who still love me for who I am and will be there to make me laugh keeps me going every single day!  

Occurrences

Confession time: I'm a Christian and I love Jesus, but I am not as disciplined as I should be in reading my Bible every day and being able to reference certain verses and biblical stories.  Obviously, I know some stories and verses but not as many as I think I should.  While I try to improve this area of my life, God has shown so much grace to me and spoken to me in other ways, especially these days.  One of the questions I have always asked is "can people in heaven speak to us directly or is God always the ultimate messenger?"  I still am not for sure what that answer is (if anyone knows that answer, feel free to tell me).  But I have noticed these past few weeks that Dave is still around.  I can't see or hear him physically but somehow, whether it's Dave himself or God being his messenger, my husband wants to make sure that I'm comforted and reassured of his safety in heaven and his spirit here on Earth.  

A few people have told me that I would soon begin experiencing "occurrences" that would bring a lot of peace to me in that moment.  I told those people that it's been happening since a few days after Dave died.  I wanted to share a few of these "occurrences" and "coincidences" that have happened to me these past few weeks. 

The first one happened three days after Dave's death.  I was sitting at his parents' house and I had just finished eating a light lunch and was drinking some water, which Dave always got on to me whenever I didn't drink enough water.  My dad then brought me some Starbucks as that was one of the only things that really sounded good for me to digest.  I abandoned my water and was sipping on my coffee while checking my phone.  About five minutes later, I heard a loud sound come from my water cup.  It sounded like the ice cubes had brushed together but when I looked at the cup, the ice cubes were so small that there's no way they could've made such a distinct sound.  I immediately knew that was Dave pushing me to finish my water!

Another one happened after Dave's visitation.  It had obviously been a rough time for all of us so back at the Adams' house, we unwound with some dinner and a little bit of wine.  We were all sitting at the table and Dave's mom Adrienne was talking and as she was, she accidentally knocked over her glass of wine.  At first, I looked down because a little bit got on my dress so I was trying to clean it up.  I then looked up after a couple of seconds and saw that the glass had broken and my finger was bleeding.  I still have no idea how the glass managed to travel that far!  Dave's sister Rachel immediately grabbed the bleeding finger and held it up really high up to stop the flow of the blood.  I looked up at my finger and noticed that it wasn't just any finger that got cut, it was my ring finger!!  So I said to everyone "I think Dave wants to make sure I've still got my wedding rings on" lol.  Plus, he always said it's not a good party unless someone gets hurt.  He wanted his service to be more like a party so I was the lucky victim :P 

The biggest one for me personally has been the two dreams I've had since I got back to Arkansas.  The first week after his death, I dreamt about Dave every night.  Once I got back to Arkansas, I wasn't having many dreams about him anymore.  The last one I had up until a few nights ago was him coming back down from heaven for just a few minutes and he told me "Stop worrying about me, I'm fine.  You need to worry about yourself now and start moving on."  That was two weeks ago.  Ever since, the dreams about Dave had stopped and I was very discouraged about that.  So on Saturday night, I prayed that God would somehow allow Dave to come talk to me again because I wanted to know for sure that he was okay and that he is safe with God.  I dreamt again that night that Dave came down from heaven but only had a limited time to be with me.  We were on a cruise ship (the same one we took for our honeymoon) and I kept crying and and asking him if he was okay and how worried I was sometimes about him.  He wouldn't tell me anything about heaven, I got the impression he wasn't allowed to because God wants it to be a surprise for me and didn't want Dave giving it all away.  But all Dave kept telling me was "I'm fine".  That's all he said.  And truthfully, that's all he needed to say.  

That's just a few of many occurrences and some other loved ones of Dave have had some of their own experiences, including his four year old niece.  Family members and friends have told me that I'm not alone, they also experienced similar things when their loved ones passed.  Some may think it's all in my mind, some may think it's just coincidences.  Not me, I'm positive that God is using these occurrences to keep Dave's memory alive, whether it's Dave himself making them happen or God is doing it all.  I can't explain how and why I know this is true but I don't think all of these weird things that have happened to me and everyone else in our families are merely coincidences.  Dave is still around in spirit and clearly wants to make sure that he's remembered, which he will be, forever and always! 

<3 Kate 

The Adams Family

I have so many wonderful people in my life.  My parents, my brothers and their wives, Papa, my aunt and uncle, friends, people from church, people from Orlando, etc etc.  But some key people who I know I simply cannot live without, especially during this time of my life, are Dave's parents Paul and Adrienne Adams.  I'm going to take this entire blog to brag about them, as well as Dave's sister Rachel, her husband Johnny, and their daughter Lexi.  And be prepared to see the word "family" a LOT in this post.  

Paul and Adrienne came to visit us in Arkansas this weekend.  At first, I was a little nervous about seeing them because although I had spoken to them several times, I hadn't seen them in person since a few days after Dave's funeral.  I wasn't sure if it'd make things better or if I'd be reminded of Dave even more and it would actually make me sadder.  The minute they pulled into our driveway, I immediately knew it was going to be an amazing visit.  Not just because of the fun things we've done (such as hiking in Devil's Den and seeing the Norman Rockwell exhibition at Crystal Bridges museum) but because we have had so many laughs and we've simply enjoyed being together.   Paul's brother Raygand also joined us after a couple of days and when he and Paul get together, they are 10 year olds all over again, hence why we laugh so much!  It's also been wonderful seeing my family lovingly embrace my in-laws and Raygand, as well as express their love for Rachel, Johnny, and Lexi (who we Skyped with but they were greatly missed) and so many others from Dave's side of the family.  Even though there's no denying that there is someone missing in all of this, I still feel a sense of relief and comfort when my family and Dave's family are together.  Thankfully, our families loved each other from day one and even though this has been a rough time for all of us, we've all gotten even closer than we were before.  

Rachel and I have also loved each other since the beginning.  I knew I couldn't get married without her standing up there with me.  She's not my sister-in-law, she's my sister, Johnny is my brother, and Lexi is my niece.  We might not be related by blood but they're family.  My brothers' wives, who I also consider sisters, have grown to love Rachel and formed a wonderful relationship with her during the wedding weekend.  One of them even offered for Rachel and her family to stay with them when they come visit in August with Paul and Adrienne!  That time when everyone is together can't come soon enough.  But to fill some of that time I will be visiting Johnny, Rachel, and Lexi in Fort Lauderdale next month for Lexi's ballet recital.  Can't wait! 

When I think about Dave's and my families loving each other so much, I can't help but think "how often does this happen?"  I know so many people who don't get along with their significant other's family or the families in general don't get along.  I have never had that problem and I can't believe how blessed I am in that area of my life.  When people ask me if I'm going to stay in touch with Dave's family after all of this, I say "absolutely 100% yes".  While we all know that one day things will change and life might be very different, I have promised Paul, Adrienne, and Rachel that no matter what changes occur in my life, they will be there every step of the way and I will be there for everything that happens in their lives as well.  And I consider myself a woman of my word: when I make a big promise like that, you can be assured that I will stick to that promise.  I told Rachel when I texted all of this to her that in this day and age, if it's in a text, it's official LOL.  

So God, thank you for bringing this amazing family into my life.  I seriously have no idea what I and my family would do without them.  Dave is missed every day but the Adams and their extended families sure bring a lot of joy to us.  And I can't help but think that Dave will play a part in making sure that we stay together.  In my eyes, we are no longer "Dave's family" and "Kate's family", we are now one big happy family :) 

It'll Come, It'll Come, It'll Come, It'll Come.....

The title of this blog was inspired by Les Mis, at the beginning of act II when they sing this line repeatedly as the poor citizens all revolt in the hopes that they'll have a better future.  I'm the type of person that will instantly relate some part of my life to a song, most likely from a musical.  I was a theatre major after all.  That line is in shuffle mode in my mind, it plays itself during the most random times.  I sometimes have to stop when I'm in the middle of one of my "anger spells" and tell myself that my time will come, that this pain will not last forever, that one day I'll look back on this and say "wow, look at how far you've come."  Unfortunately, I have no idea when that day will come.

Most of the time, I really am okay.  I know some people think that due to my Facebook posts, I might be in denial or I may be putting up a front to seem stronger than I really am.  First off, I'm not fake, ever.  What you see is what you get with me.  If I don't like you, you'll know it.  If I love you, you'll know it.  If I'm freaking out and stressed, you'll know it.  I only put on an act if I need to, like if I'm at work and I need to be professional.  But I'm real to people's faces, why would I be someone I'm not on Facebook lol.  So when I post things, that truly is how I feel at that time.  But I do have my moments of anger and I cry some nights before I go to bed, if I'm not watching a hilarious movie that is.  Grief is a tricky thing, there's no wrong way to handle it and I'm pretty sure I go through all the stages of it once a day.  I don't have bad days, I simply have "bad moments".  I allow myself to grieve if I have to.  I'm usually pretty composed when I'm surrounded by people but if I need to cry, I do.  Some of you have experienced this random "outburst" of tears, yet nobody seems alarmed by it (except for my poor doctor who asked about my tattoo last week and I broke down when I told the story).  I've never been a big crier, it's just not in me.  I'm more prone to get angry rather than sad and I've had plenty of angry moments.

When I get angry, I ask a lot of questions.  The most frequent ones are 1. Why did God bring this wonderful man in my life, then just take him away?  Just cruel if you ask me.  2. What have I done to deserve this?  I'm nowhere near perfect but why punish me in this way?  3. Is God trying to tell me that I'm not meant to be a wife and I need to find another dream?  4. Why does everyone else get to go through life all happy and healthy and I have to suffer?  5. What is God trying to teach me in all of this and will He ever allow me to be happy ever again?

I also am struggling with having to begin at square 1 again, which is super frustrating.  I finally had established myself in Orlando and I was well on my way to finally feeling like an adult, only to fall back down again.  And the worst part of all of this is I didn't choose for it to be this way.  I didn't ask for any of this and I didn't do anything to put myself in this situation.  So why do I feel like I've done something wrong and somehow, I've failed?  It's not just about losing my husband, I feel like I've lost my entire identity.

These are just a few of many thoughts that go through my head all the time.  When you have a problem, you're told to fix it.  I have a problem and I have no idea how to fix it.  There's a reason I'm in this storm and I know better days will come, even before I leave this earth.  I was talking with my mom and I said the words "I know heaven is our ultimate reward....but it'd be nice if God could allow me to at least be somewhat happy and content during my time here on Earth, I'd rather not only have bad days while I'm still here."  Our former pastor, Brother Jere, once said that there are two kinds of people in this world: people who are going through hard times now and people who will soon face hard times.  I went through 24 years of my life before I truly discovered what real pain is.  I know this won't be the only hard time I face but I also know deep down that God doesn't want me to suffer all the time, He'll bring good times into my life sooner than later.

Once these anger spells wear off (usually after about 20 minutes), I go back to being normal Kate.  I know God has great things in store, I just have to go through a rough road to discover these great things.  He's put certain desires in my heart for a reason and unless Jesus takes me home or comes back beforehand, God will follow through on what I think He's telling me He will do.  And as that Les Mis line that's on shuffle mode in my head says "it'll come, it'll come, it'll come, it'll come"

Again, feel free to be upfront with me and ask me how I'm doing.  I'll be upfront right back to you, I don't beat around the bush.  And while I do like being alone at times, don't be afraid to get in touch with me if you're in Fayetteville and want to see me!  I'm almost always in the mood to see my old friends and people who've I've known for years, it actually is good therapy for a social butterfly such as myself :) I refuse to go into a depressive slump, that'd be a dishonor to Dave and the life I know he would want for me.  Had it been the other way around, I would want Dave to remember me, but also keep growing in his faith, finish the work that God has for him here, and be happy!  I'm going to do the same.  Dave has already come to me once in a dream and told me that he's okay and I need to stop worrying about him, it's time to begin moving on and worry about myself.  If that's not a sign that my husband wants the best for me, I don't know what is!

So there you have it.  I have my "moments" like any normal human but I also have good things happening now and things to look forward to, which is why I can usually put a genuine smile on.  I'm only 24, I have my whole life ahead of me and I know it's going to be a good and mostly happy life if I trust in the Lord.

<3 Kate

March 8, 2013 and My Life Since

I've never really been a "blogger".  I tried it out last year but I just never felt like I had anything important to say or anything to get off my chest.  I've never felt the need to write things to express how I feel......until now.  Ever since Dave's death, many people have been encouraging me to write down my thoughts, especially when I feel like God has something to say to me.  That way, if I ever have a particularly bad day, I can go back to these entries and remember that God has been carrying me the entire time.

This entry, on the other hand, is more dedicated to informing everyone of what happened that night that Dave died, where I was, and where I am now.  Warning: this will probably be long and very jumbled!

March 8, 2013
It was Friday and the day started like most other days.  Dave had to work a double at Chili's so he got up to get ready for his first shift and I was getting ready to go have lunch with a friend.  When I was driving home from lunch, he called me and said he might not have to go in for his second shift because the hot water heater at the restaurant had busted and they were looking at having to close it down for the night.  Either way, he said he wanted me home with him so we could cuddle a bit in case he needed to go back that night.  I thought about running errands for a little while but then I decided to put those off for later and go spend time with my husband.  Boy am I glad I made that decision!  Those couple of hours weren't anything exciting, just he and I being together and loving on each other (and probably me annoying him a little bit lol).  I wish I could remember specifics of that afternoon but all I remember is that he seemed content, as was I.  At 5:30, he got ready for work and left around 5:45.  I gave him a hug and a kiss as he left and as he walked away, I yelled out "I love you" and he responded with "I love you too".  Little did I know that those would be our last words to each other.

Around 9:30, I received a call from the manager at Chili's saying he thought that Dave had had a seizure but the ambulance was there and they were "working on him".  Right away, I hung up the phone and jumped in my car and drove the longest 5 minute drive of my life.  When I got to Chili's, I saw what seemed like a million ambulances and policemen.  My heart dropped: I knew it was serious.  At that point, a sheriff pulled me over to ask me some questions and to use my phone to contact Dave's parents.  They wouldn't let me near him but I got a brief glimpse as they wheeled him out on the stretcher.  At first, I didn't understand why they seemed to be keeping me away from him at that moment.  Now I'm glad they did, that would've been my last memory of him and I think that would've scarred me for life.  After the ambulance left, the sheriff let me go and told me how to get to the hospital.  I probably shouldn't have been driving but what choice did I have?  My husband was fighting for his life and I needed to get there to be with him if he came out of his coma.  I prayed the entire way that Dave would be okay and a slight part of me thought that he really would be and we would all learn a lesson out of this.

I got to Winter Park hospital and ran into the emergency room lobby.  Right away, a nurse took me into a back room and went to get the doctor.  The doctor came out and told me what all she knew: that he had collapsed and when they checked him at Chili's, he had no pulse and wasn't breathing.  She proceeded to say that they had given him some medication but he wasn't responding to them and said the words "I don't think he's going to survive this".  I immediately went into shock and all I remember is the doctor telling me that because he's young, they will try a couple of more rounds of medication and see if that would help any.  But right away, I knew he was forever gone from my life.  The nurse suggested I call someone to come be with me and she offered to contact Dave's parents and my parents for me as I could barely talk.  I called my friend Aleah and she rushed to the hospital as fast as she could to be with me.  From that point on, everything is a blur.  Except for the first thought that entered my mind when the doctor told me that Dave had passed away: "your life is not over, it's just beginning".  I don't know why I thought that but I try and cling on to that initial thought as I go through these days.

Aleah and I stayed at Dave's parents house that night.  The next morning, I kept waking up to phone calls and text messages but I honestly didn't respond to most of them.  I knew the minute I answered the phone, the news would become real.  But once I saw that the news had spread to Fayetteville, I knew I needed to start talking to people.  That first phone call I answered was the first time in the past 14 hours that I finally cried.  The shock had worn off and the reality had hit.  But after that moment, it got easier to talk to people and I promised myself that I would not shut anyone out, these people were stepping up to show me how much they loved me and cared for me so the least I could do was talk to them.  Plus, I had decided that I was still going to make the move to Arkansas that Dave and I had planned on doing once my contract with Universal was up.  So I needed to see these people one last time.

My Facebook and phone blew up that entire week, lol.  But wow, I was blown away by how many people were reaching out to me, some I had never met and some I hadn't talked to in years.  It goes to show that when you go through rough times, you see the most amazing and caring sides of people.  The people who stuck out the most to me and our families were my coworkers/friends/second family from Universal.  I knew there was a reason God put them in my life, they are the most selfless and genuinely kind-hearted people I have ever met!  From bringing us food, to doing prayer circles at work, to starting the David Adams Memorial Fund to raise money for my well being, these amazing people went above and beyond to make sure I was going to be okay.  I don't know what I did to deserve such wonderful friends!

The visitation and memorial service were so uplifting!  Visitation was full of people during the entire three hours that we were there and it ended with Mike Conrad, former worship director at University Carillon Church where Dave played guitar for many years, picking up one of Dave's acoustic guitars that was used as decoration and leading us in "I'll Fly Away", per request of Dave's parents.  Everyone seemed to be enjoying that time and I saw tears mixed in with smiles and looks of hope.  I saw those same looks at the memorial service.  While I did cry as one would expect me to, I also laughed, a lot!  The stories I heard about the guy I loved just warmed my heart.  And what a turnout!!  About half of the people that showed up couldn't sit down and had to stand the whole time but no one seemed in a hurry to leave.  The service lasted over an hour but I didn't see or hear anyone get impatient.  All I heard was laughter and tears of joy.  We ended the service by doing an Adams family tradition: when TCU would play football and it looked like they weren't doing too well, Dave and his dad would go outside, turn around twice, and spit.  They claimed it was good luck and as Dave always said, "it's only stupid if it doesn't work".  So when we left the service, everyone went outside, turned around twice and spat.  What a David Adams thing to do :)

So now, a month has passed, I'm back in Arkansas, and I'm waiting as God tells me what to do next.  People have told me to take it one day at a time and feel how I need to feel.  If I'm sad, I feel sad.  If I'm happy, I feel happy.  If I need to be alone, I make it happen.  There's no right way to handle grief and everyone is different.  But one thing that is for sure the right thing to do is cling on to God.  He has never failed me and though I hate this part of my life, I know He won't fail me during this time either.  I miss Dave so much every day but each day does get a little bit easier.  He may not be here physically but I know he's with me all the time and I like to think that he's watching over God's shoulder as God shows me how to live the rest of my life. It's true, I have my own personal guardian angel that I need to make proud :) as I believe God told me at the hospital "your life is not over, it's just beginning."  What that entails, I don't know and why it's happening this way, I don't know.  But God doesn't give me anything that I can't handle and He's told me several times that if I just trust Him, He will provide.

Lots of people are still asking how they can help me.  First things first, absolutely no setting me up on any blind dates!! :P if God wants someone in my life, He will make it happen.  He brought Dave to me so if it's meant to happen again in the distant future, He will do it again.  And I only say that because a couple of people have mentioned it so just letting you know where I stand on that.  The next thing I need help with is finding a weekly Christian small group.  I've been going to the one at my church on Sunday mornings and I've enjoyed it a lot and want to keep going.  But I wouldn't be opposed to trying something out that meets during the week.  So if anyone has a group that they know of, message me and let me know.  You can never have too many friends when you're going through big changes :) but the biggest thing you can do is pray, not just for me but for Dave's parents and sister as well.  They are hurting just as much as I am but they also cling to God's word and we find comfort in knowing that we will see Dave again.  In the meantime, we also cling to each other.  They are the best in law family that I could ever ask for and I can't imagine going through this without all of them by my side.

If you've read all of this, power to you!  I warned yall it'd be long but I also wanted to share my story thus far.  I really am doing okay, as okay as I can be doing I think.  Thank you thank you thank you to everyone who has stuck by me and been helping me this past month.  I thank the Lord every day for the amazing support system I have!  It makes this, for lack of a better word, shitstorm of a situation just a little bit easier.

<3 Kate