Seeing the Light

Once again, one of Kate's late night blogs.  I'm telling you, I can't be normal and function during the day like other people, I always have these urges to write in the middle of the night.  Dunno why but that's when I do most of my deep thinking.  Mostly, I felt compelled to write because I realized I haven't written since I made my move back to Orlando and lots of people are asking how I've been since coming back here.  Obviously, most everyone is expecting me to have some rough days ahead, I am of course back in the city where Dave and I first began, I'm back in the area where we had our first and only home together, and I'm back where he took his last breath, left his earthly possessions behind, and made his way to his heavenly home.  Right now, I'm staying in Oviedo, which is right next to Orlando, and I'm living with a family that knew Dave really well and loved him since the day they met him at University Carillon Church.  They said I could stay with them until I hear results from my auditions and can finalize my living situation.  And they're not the only ones that offered a place for me to stay, many of my and Dave's friends have stepped up and said they'll help me in whatever I need.  Talk about awesome, generous people in my life!  I don't have my car down here yet either so my in laws lent me their pickup truck until my parents bring my car and the rest of my stuff.  Yep, that's right, this girl is driving a truck right now.  How Arkansan of me, right?

I had my orientation at Universal for HHN last Wednesday so I'm officially back there :) Rehearsals will start in about a week and a half and the event will premiere in a month.  I can't wait to do this, I've heard it's so much fun!  I've done a few other auditions, many which haven't worked out and that's definitely expected in entertainment.  But they're all the types of auditions that include a type out, which means they need people of certain height and certain size for the roles they're currently looking for.  So at least it has nothing to do with my skill levels, I can't control my height or build lol.  Although for a few weeks, with the exception of a Royal Caribbean audition in Hollywood, FL, I'm going to take a step back from auditions until I hear results from the ones I've already done.  I've done my part for now so I'll wait and see what God wants to do with me next.  If Royal Caribbean doesn't work out, I'll go back to Orlando and continue auditioning until the next project comes along.  An entertainer's life is unpredictable and very unstable at times but I've never been one to play it safe (except when I played Red Rover in elementary school).  I'm also apartment hunting and I've got a couple of prospects.  Now it's just a matter of figuring out finances and which location will be most convenient.  I'm not lying when I say I'm starting from scratch.  It's not easy and it's frustrating at times but I also have to remember that I didn't bring this upon myself, life happened, it was out of my control, and I had to start at the bottom again.

However, I already see progress in my life.  I was reading my blog from April when I talked about Dave's death and where I was at that moment in life.  I believe I said something along the lines of "I'm back in Arkansas and just waiting to see what God wants me to do next."  Little did I know that four and a half months later, I'd be back in Orlando, back at Universal, and reunited with old friends!  Last night, when hanging out with some friends, I realized that it's almost been six months since Dave passed away.  That's half a year!  A part of me feels like it just happened but another part of me feels like that was a lifetime ago.  My friends then pointed out how much I've changed and look at what all I've done in these past six months.  I've done more auditions this summer than I have in the past five years and I forgot how much I love performing and feeling that anticipation of an audition and that excitement of a callback.

People have told me that one day, I would see some good come out of Dave's death.  Don't get me wrong, I miss him every day and if given the chance to have him back, I would.  But I'm already seeing the light in all of this.  Had this not happened, I probably wouldn't have come back to Orlando.  Had this not happened, I wouldn't be able to do any of these auditions and get that experience and knowledge that comes with it.  And had this not happened, I would still be worrying about everything in life and trying to take control.  I have no control over ANYTHING in life, that's all in God's hands.  So even though some days are frustrating, I also know God will not leave me hanging.  He has me back in Orlando for many reasons and slowly but surely I will figure out those reasons.  But for now, I'm grateful that I have a job that will last me through the beginning of November and I have a huge support system both here and in Arkansas.  So if I'm already seeing this much good in a short amount of time, I can only imagine what I will discover for years to come.

Once again, I've consistently had a song stuck in my head for the past week I've been in Orlando.  That's definitely how God knows I'll listen to Him, through music (one of many things Dave and I had in common).  It's called "By Faith" by Keith and Kristyn Getty.  By faith, I left a secure life in Arkansas and came back to Orlando.  By faith, I'm trusting that God will provide for me in all the ways needed.  And by faith, since March 8, I continued to pray and live my life one day at a time, knowing there's a reason I'm still here because as the song says "til the race is finished and the work is done, we'll walk by faith and not by sight."  If at any time anyone struggles with a decision in life, listen to this song and walk by faith.  You can never go wrong with prayer, it will never ever fail you.

"By Faith"

By faith we see the hand of God 
In the light of creation's grand design 
In the lives of those who prove His faithfulness 
Who walk by faith and not by sight 

By faith our fathers roamed the earth 
With the power of His promise in their hearts 
Of a holy city built by God's own hand 
A place where peace and justice reign 

We will stand as children of the promise 
We will fix our eyes on Him our soul's reward 
Till the race is finished and the work is done 
We'll walk by faith and not by sight 

By faith the prophets saw a day 
When the longed-for Messiah would appear 
With the power to break the chains of sin and death 
And rise triumphant from the grave 

By faith the church was called to go 
In the power of the Spirit to the lost 
To deliver captives and to preach good news 
In every corner of the earth 

We will stand as children of the promise 
We will fix our eyes on Him our soul's reward 
Till the race is finished and the work is done 
We'll walk by faith and not by sight 

By faith this mountain shall be moved 
And the power of the gospel shall prevail 
For we know in Christ all things are possible 
For all who call upon His name 

We will stand as children of the promise 
We will fix our eyes on Him our soul's reward 
Till the race is finished and the work is done 
We'll walk by faith and not by sight

Here We Go Again!

Five months have gone by since I lost Dave.  Four and a half months have gone by since I moved back to Arkansas.  Three months have gone by since I made the decision to go back to Orlando.  And about nine days have gone by since I scored my first job in Orlando, was told I need to be there for orientation, and set a date to move back, which would give me less than two weeks to move 1,200 miles!!! (My gut told me that was going to happen but there's still no way to prepare for that).  I'm using this post to inform everyone of these past few months of making that decision, how I got there, and where I hope to be.

Most people have told me that they knew from day one that I was going to go back to Florida, even those who were expecting the original plan of Dave and I moving there together.  I think my parents even took bets on how long they thought we'd last in Arkansas.  I wish I would've known all of that so I wouldn't have struggled for weeks as to what choice to make lol.  Obviously, my life did a complete turnaround and I assumed that going back to Arkansas was the right thing to do.  Now I really didn't have a choice because by the time Dave died, I had told Universal I was quitting and we had already terminated our apartment lease.  So I didn't have many options and I figured I was supposed to go to Arkansas because being in Orlando would be too traumatic for me so God was offering me an escape.  So when I got to Arkansas, despite feeling so empty and out of place, I pushed on because I didn't want to go back to Orlando.  It would be too hard and I thought my time there was up.  So I pushed through each day and prayed every day that God would give me a reason to live again.  I had not only lost my husband but I felt like I lost everything and I really didn't have a will to live.  But I knew I was still alive for a reason so I needed to be patient and find out what my next step would be (it was of course going to be in Arkansas since my time in Orlando was up, remember?)  One of my mom's friends, Mrs. Edwards, had even messaged me and kind of nudged the idea of me moving back to Orlando fairly soon.  I told her I'd think about it but I honestly wasn't sure because again, Arkansas was the place I was clearly meant to be.  I said yes I'd go back and visit but I didn't think I'd ever want to move back.  I didn't even miss it THAT much.....yet.  

I will never forget the day I first realized how much I actually did miss Orlando.  It was April 17, the day after my niece Amelia was born.  Her older sister, Claire, was staying with me and my parents and we were watching TV that morning.  We first watched Jake and the Never Land Pirates and I remember thinking "awww, I miss that pirate", he and I were best friends at Disney :) that made me miss Disney and then, right after that show was over, Claire's favorite show comes on.  Yep, that's right, Dora comes on TV and that's what REALLY made me miss my friends and my job!  That was the first time I really truly felt homesick for Orlando and I asked myself "what are you doing here?"  Then I answered myself (I promise I'm not crazy) and said "because God removed you from Orlando for a reason.  All you need to do is just go back for a visit."  So I asked my mom if we could visit earlier than late July because I couldn't wait that long.  That's why we ended up there for two weeks in June.  Plus, I had a Fort Lauderdale trip planned for May and another Orlando trip in late July.  So I was set, I wouldn't be homesick anymore right? 

A week later, Dave's parents returned to Orlando from their road trip to Arkansas and other locations.  My father in law sent an email thanking everyone for their hospitality and said something along the lines of while he and Adrienne enjoyed themselves, they were happy to be back in the sunshine and warm weather.  I read that sentence and thought "wow, I miss that weather.  That sounds better than this snow in May that we're having."  From that point, I kept seeing little things that reminded me of Orlando, including a ton of commercials for Universal.  I began to pray (a lot!) and secretly searched for jobs and auditions online but I didn't want to tell anyone that I wanted to go back because I hadn't been in Arkansas very long so I thought everyone would disagree with my thinking and tell me to wait longer.  However, my mom knew me better than that.  We were talking one night about what to do with the stuff that's in storage in Orlando.  The original plan was to bring it all back to Arkansas when we got down there in June but she made the point of "idk if we should make that decision yet.  What if you decide to go back?"  That's when I told her and my dad that I was homesick and I wanted to move back.  While they would rather me be closer, they also came out and said they weren't surprised at all.  So Mom and I decided the trip in June would be fun but also used for auditions and apartment hunting.  

However, I still wanted a "non biased" point of view.  My parents were supportive but they're also just like everyone else's parents and tend to worry about everything.  So I wanted to talk to an adult who knew me, knew my situation, knew my family, but could also give me a straight answer.  I knew the perfect man for that job would be my former youth pastor, Steve Alberts.  When I went to talk to him, I laid everything out on the table.  Questions, concerns, circumstances, consequences, you name it.  After listening to me rant for about 20 minutes, Steve said to me "what I'm getting is, you consider Arkansas your childhood home, and you will always love it.....but Orlando has become your true home.  And from what I hear you say and what I know about you, my advice is go home to Orlando and go as soon as possible.  The first door that opens to go back, take it!"  The night before, I had prayed that God would give me that "final sign" of whether I should stay or go.  That was my sign, Steve and so many others were supporting my decision, including my grandfather who is definitely the kind of person who speaks his mind and doesn't hold back.  Now that I had made that decision, I needed to inform everyone in Orlando so I could use them for job and apartment connections.  I received such a warm and excited response from everyone and that confirmed my decision even more.  I knew that going back was going to be rough and bittersweet at times but how wonderful it was to know that I had so many loved ones who were anxiously awaiting my permanent return.  

Now for you logistical and rational people, here are my top reasons for moving back to Orlando (I have many actually).  First off, it's the town where I've experienced the most insane amount growth, heartache, pain, and joy.  Going through things like these makes you stronger and it can help if you're far from home and you don't have your parents to fall back on.  It's a weird melting pot of emotions for me but for some reason, I always think more about the great times I had there rather than the hard ones.  Had it not been for that town and my time, I wouldn't have gotten to experience all these times and begin growing into the woman that I will eventually become.  To me, home is a place where you experience the highest of highs and the lowest of lows but you still think about that place called home and you can't help but feel grateful for it.  That's how Orlando feels to me 

2. Dave and I decided to move to Fayetteville because it's more family friendly and more geared towards younger married couples.  Plus, I thought Dave would be able to find better work there.  I had had my amazing jobs in Orlando so it was his turn to take over and have the awesome job.  Orlando was always more of a "Kate town", it's got the entertainment and performing connections which are needed for a crazy theatrical person like myself :) and I love the bond you feel with fellow performers.  Most of us are not from Orlando, we're single people in our 20's, and we're just trying to get by.  We've come to Orlando from all over the country (even the world for some) and we all have one common goal: to do what we love and get paid for doing it.  At Universal, I had this bond with many people and that's how I made some of my best friends

3. The people in Fayetteville are so wonderful to me and they all know me and love me so much....but hardly any of them knew Dave.  Besides my family, no one in Fayetteville was directly affected by Dave's death.  Meanwhile in Orlando, there are people who have been there since the beginning of our friendship, relationship, engagement, cheered us on as we walked down the aisle, and cried with me as we celebrated Dave's amazing life together.  There's more grieving on that side of the Mississippi River, it's a connection thing.  Again, I appreciate the people in Fayetteville so so much but I just need to be with people who kind of understand what I'm going through.  

It's going to be different and it won't always be easy.  But it's going to be the best thing for me.  I like to think that if I can survive what I went through in March, that I'm ready to face whatever else life will throw at me.  On August 12, 2007, I took a bold leap of faith and moved to Orlando to see where my life would go.  Coincidentally, on August 12, 2013, I'll be taking that same leap of faith to see what's going to happen in Orlando: Part Two.  I succeeded there before and with that same divine intervention, I'll do it again!  I'm confident that Dave approves of this decision, all I know is he would want me to be happy and live life to the fullest like he did.  It might make life crazy and out of control but in the end, that's how I like it!  My monologue this summer has actually been about a girl on a rollercoaster.  How appropriate is that!? 

Thank you so much to all my loved ones in Fayetteville who have done so much for me these past four and a half months.  I know I rag on Arkansas a lot but I will miss some aspects of it, like the fall leaves and the local hot spots.  You are all very special people and I'm so grateful for your support.  And thank you to my Orlando family and friends for encouraging me so much in my move, helping me get to auditions, and offering me places to stay!  I can't do this without all of your help so it's because of all of you that I'm getting this chance to come back!

Look out O Town, I'm finally coming your way!!!! :)