It'll Come, It'll Come, It'll Come, It'll Come.....

The title of this blog was inspired by Les Mis, at the beginning of act II when they sing this line repeatedly as the poor citizens all revolt in the hopes that they'll have a better future.  I'm the type of person that will instantly relate some part of my life to a song, most likely from a musical.  I was a theatre major after all.  That line is in shuffle mode in my mind, it plays itself during the most random times.  I sometimes have to stop when I'm in the middle of one of my "anger spells" and tell myself that my time will come, that this pain will not last forever, that one day I'll look back on this and say "wow, look at how far you've come."  Unfortunately, I have no idea when that day will come.

Most of the time, I really am okay.  I know some people think that due to my Facebook posts, I might be in denial or I may be putting up a front to seem stronger than I really am.  First off, I'm not fake, ever.  What you see is what you get with me.  If I don't like you, you'll know it.  If I love you, you'll know it.  If I'm freaking out and stressed, you'll know it.  I only put on an act if I need to, like if I'm at work and I need to be professional.  But I'm real to people's faces, why would I be someone I'm not on Facebook lol.  So when I post things, that truly is how I feel at that time.  But I do have my moments of anger and I cry some nights before I go to bed, if I'm not watching a hilarious movie that is.  Grief is a tricky thing, there's no wrong way to handle it and I'm pretty sure I go through all the stages of it once a day.  I don't have bad days, I simply have "bad moments".  I allow myself to grieve if I have to.  I'm usually pretty composed when I'm surrounded by people but if I need to cry, I do.  Some of you have experienced this random "outburst" of tears, yet nobody seems alarmed by it (except for my poor doctor who asked about my tattoo last week and I broke down when I told the story).  I've never been a big crier, it's just not in me.  I'm more prone to get angry rather than sad and I've had plenty of angry moments.

When I get angry, I ask a lot of questions.  The most frequent ones are 1. Why did God bring this wonderful man in my life, then just take him away?  Just cruel if you ask me.  2. What have I done to deserve this?  I'm nowhere near perfect but why punish me in this way?  3. Is God trying to tell me that I'm not meant to be a wife and I need to find another dream?  4. Why does everyone else get to go through life all happy and healthy and I have to suffer?  5. What is God trying to teach me in all of this and will He ever allow me to be happy ever again?

I also am struggling with having to begin at square 1 again, which is super frustrating.  I finally had established myself in Orlando and I was well on my way to finally feeling like an adult, only to fall back down again.  And the worst part of all of this is I didn't choose for it to be this way.  I didn't ask for any of this and I didn't do anything to put myself in this situation.  So why do I feel like I've done something wrong and somehow, I've failed?  It's not just about losing my husband, I feel like I've lost my entire identity.

These are just a few of many thoughts that go through my head all the time.  When you have a problem, you're told to fix it.  I have a problem and I have no idea how to fix it.  There's a reason I'm in this storm and I know better days will come, even before I leave this earth.  I was talking with my mom and I said the words "I know heaven is our ultimate reward....but it'd be nice if God could allow me to at least be somewhat happy and content during my time here on Earth, I'd rather not only have bad days while I'm still here."  Our former pastor, Brother Jere, once said that there are two kinds of people in this world: people who are going through hard times now and people who will soon face hard times.  I went through 24 years of my life before I truly discovered what real pain is.  I know this won't be the only hard time I face but I also know deep down that God doesn't want me to suffer all the time, He'll bring good times into my life sooner than later.

Once these anger spells wear off (usually after about 20 minutes), I go back to being normal Kate.  I know God has great things in store, I just have to go through a rough road to discover these great things.  He's put certain desires in my heart for a reason and unless Jesus takes me home or comes back beforehand, God will follow through on what I think He's telling me He will do.  And as that Les Mis line that's on shuffle mode in my head says "it'll come, it'll come, it'll come, it'll come"

Again, feel free to be upfront with me and ask me how I'm doing.  I'll be upfront right back to you, I don't beat around the bush.  And while I do like being alone at times, don't be afraid to get in touch with me if you're in Fayetteville and want to see me!  I'm almost always in the mood to see my old friends and people who've I've known for years, it actually is good therapy for a social butterfly such as myself :) I refuse to go into a depressive slump, that'd be a dishonor to Dave and the life I know he would want for me.  Had it been the other way around, I would want Dave to remember me, but also keep growing in his faith, finish the work that God has for him here, and be happy!  I'm going to do the same.  Dave has already come to me once in a dream and told me that he's okay and I need to stop worrying about him, it's time to begin moving on and worry about myself.  If that's not a sign that my husband wants the best for me, I don't know what is!

So there you have it.  I have my "moments" like any normal human but I also have good things happening now and things to look forward to, which is why I can usually put a genuine smile on.  I'm only 24, I have my whole life ahead of me and I know it's going to be a good and mostly happy life if I trust in the Lord.

<3 Kate