I leave for Orlando tomorrow!! This will be the first visit back there since I moved back to Fayetteville just ten days after Dave passed away. A part of me is kind of nervous about going back, it will bring back lots of memories. But I also remember that there's been a few "firsts" that I've been nervous about and guess what, God brought me through those and they ended up being amazing (such as my first trip back to Fort Lauderdale and my friend's wedding last weekend). I won't deny that there will be some bittersweet, tearful moments but I also expect some fun fun fun while I'm there too! I'll be seeing old friends and old college roommates, going to Universal and the entertainment Woody awards, searching for apartments, doing a couple of auditions for Disney and Sea World, and visiting my in laws Paul and Adrienne.
Even though God has made it quite clear to me and pretty much everyone I know that Orlando is where I need to be, I do sometimes have second thoughts. The only thing standing in my way is fear and the only thing I fear is the memories that I have in Orlando with Dave. Last week, I asked God if I was truly ready to do this. I feel like He said a lot after that (He's quite the chatterbox these days) but here are the points that stuck out to me the most:
1. I have known Orlando both with and without Dave. It will be very similar to my life before I met him, except I won't be in college, I'll hopefully be working.
2. I am not the first person that has lived in the same location that they lost their loved one. Many people even live in the same house for years and end up being just fine. If they can do that, what makes me think that I can't live in the same city?
3. While the people in Arkansas are great, no one here except my family knew Dave and can grieve with me. People in Orlando knew Dave and they are just as heartbroken as I am. I have a community there that gets it and I'm sure they need someone to talk to just as much as I do. We can be in grievance together.
4. I was reminded of a time about three years ago that's nowhere near as tragic as this but it still sucked. I was spending a month in Germany for a musical theatre workshop and beforehand, I went home to Arkansas for two weeks and when I returned, I'd be in Arkansas another week. So I was away from Orlando for almost two months. A week before I left for Germany, some boy drama I had been having escalated and, in summary, I found out I had been cheated on, lied to, left for another girl, and taken advantage of, all in one day. Being in Arkansas wasn't enough, I felt trapped and like I couldn't escape, even though I was 1,000 miles away. That trip to Germany couldn't have come at a better time! I needed that time away so I could collect my emotions and I honestly wondered if I could ever go back to Orlando and face all of that. And guess what happened? By the end of the two months, I was so homesick for Orlando and I couldn't wait to get back, even though I knew I'd have to confront everything. That time away was just what I needed and once I was back, I felt stronger than ever and though there were a few bumps in the road, that road led me to Dave just a few months later :)
The same thing is happening. The circumstances are different but it's the same emotions. Being in Arkansas has helped me heal and given me a "leave of absence" from Orlando. But I've had a few months to get myself back together, it's time to get up and try again. Orlando is where I've experienced the most heartache in my life but I've also had the best times of my life there. To me, that's what home is. A place that no matter what happens in your life, you feel a sense of belonging and comfort. Orlando is that place for me.
Who knows, I MIGHT end up changing my mind once I visit and decide to stay in Arkansas but I seriously doubt that. I need to at least try, I will regret it for the rest of my life if I don't. And knowing that I have family and friends there who are willing to help me once I'm there is such a comfort. I bet if I stick it out, great things will happen and my life will begin to sort itself out, just like it did three years ago.
Pray for me that my auditions will go well and I will find a job there! Finances are not a worry, I know God will provide no matter what but I need to do something with my time since I like to stay busy. And pray that I will find a safe and comfortable place to live and most of all, that I will laugh a lot and just enjoy myself while I'm there. I know I will, it's too fun of a city and I have the most awesome friends down there. How can one not have fun in O Town :) I hope to know fairly soon when exactly I'm moving down there but it will be sooner than later, I'm guessing late summer. But whenever it does happen will be in God's timing and I know I will be welcomed back with open arms!
P.S. A little side note, we received Dave's medical results so we finally have some closure. However, I want to keep it mostly confidential (with the exception of family) until I've had time to go over the report with Dave's parents and make sure I'm getting all of my facts straight. But just know these three things for now:
1. It was natural causes and could happen to anyone
2. Genetics were most likely involved and since he was adopted, he didn't know his medical history and a normal checkup wouldn't have helped
3. It was very quick and he most likely did not feel any pain, which is a comfort for me and I hope for his family as well. When the time is right, I will be more specific with everyone but I hope those who loved him take comfort in the fact that no matter what happened, we were so happy the days leading up to his death and he's even happier now. What a great day that will be when we all get to experience what Dave now has, the feeling of eternal peace and joy in the presence of the Lord!
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