I'm No Different

Today during small group at church, Emery asked us if we would be willing to share our testimonies and the moment of change in our spiritual lives.  I shared the short one minute version of mine but for the first time, I wasn't ashamed of my story.  I didn't have one of those moments of "wow, this is what God is all about" when I first received salvation.  I was eight years old, I'd grown up in church my whole life, and I decided one rainy Monday that I was ready to, as a little kid describes this experience, "ask Jesus into my heart."  However, as I got older, I had other things that I struggled with, even though I was already a believer.  I've questioned my faith, I've had doubts, I've had to fearfully ask God some tough questions, and for the longest time, I secretly felt like I was a terrible Christian.  But God being the amazing Father He is, He answers those questions and gives me peace that our relationship is not ruined by me having doubts and making mistakes from time to time.  I don't know why I feel compelled to write this entry but it's going to be quite personal and I'm going to share some things that I've never shared before.  Nothing too exciting or juicy will be said but it always gives me peace to read stories of people who are similar to me so maybe this entry will one day help someone else who has shared some of these same struggles.

Even though I was saved at age 8, I didn't know what it was like to truly be in a relationship with Christ until I was about 14.  By that point, I was beginning to realize that not everyone was like me.  We were all getting to that point where we were forming our own opinions and not just what our parents had taught us, which I think is eventually how it should be.  However, none of us were mature enough to be prepared for what life would one day throw in our direction.  I was one of those typical teens that thought I knew it all and was too stubborn to admit when I was wrong (oh let's face it, I'm still that way at times).  All I wanted was to find a place of acceptance and love but it was hard.  I had friends in school and at church but I was never secure in any of those relationships and I had a tendency to push people away.  I would be one person at school, then another person at church.  I just needed everyone everywhere to like me and accept me, that's what was important in my life.  I'd get caught up in gossip and spreading rumors so I'd be accepted at school, then I'd put on a new face at church and be the perfect devout Bible reading Christian girl that I felt I needed to be in order to be accepted by the youth group.  Even though I was miserable and wished that I could be the same person at both school and church, I kept it hidden as well as I could and never opened up to anyone just how lonely I felt at both locations.

It was when I reached college that I finally began to "merge" the two Kates into one Kate.  I don't know if it was the feeling of starting over or if I just matured (or maybe both).  All I know is I promised myself that I was going to be who I truly was, whether people liked it or not.  And yes, I did lose a few friends and acquaintances in the process but once I got through that initial shock of losing a few friends, I realized just how unimportant it is what people think of me.  I also saw people around me who didn't know how to be themselves and they seemed as though they were trapped.  I suddenly felt free and open and I couldn't believe that I had deprived myself of that feeling for so many years.

When I met Dave and started dating him, the final pieces of the mask I'd been hiding behind finally came off.  He loved the fact that I was more "scandalous" than other Christian girls, he didn't want a goodie two shoes and truthfully, I didn't either.  When I say scandalous, it's nothing hardcore so don't get too excited.  It just means that I sometimes like to have alcoholic drinks (responsibly), I have a tattoo, I listen to hip hop music that has a good beat to dance to, and I appreciate dirty jokes.  That's just who I am.  Now do I talk about stuff like that in church? Not really because there are some people who have really struggled with some of those things in the past and I want to be sensitive to that.  Doing those things does not make me or anyone else a bad person nor does it change my love for Christ.  However, now that I've taken off my mask and I just tell it how it is, I'm more encouraged than ever to grow in my spiritual life and not go down any bad paths.  I've come this far and I have a guardian angel that I have to make proud, why would I regress?  Those feelings of trying to please people only came back to haunt me once.  Dave and I had some struggles when we were first together and there were a few people, about 2%, that were very critical of those struggles and did not encourage us in our relationship (someone even told me that we should break up because we weren't honoring God as we should).  I beat myself up about it for one day, then Dave told me to cut it out and stop believing these lies.  Yes, we didn't deny that we made a few mistakes like every other couple has done but those did the opposite of break us up, they made us stronger and from that point on, we encouraged each other, prayed together, and ignored anyone or anything that tried to bring us down.  One year later, we stood at the altar together and promised each other a Godly marriage and to be Christ like examples for our families and friends, the 98% who always supported and prayed for us.  So David Adams, thank you for always encouraging me to be myself and not believe any lies that might come my way.  I'm not perfect, I never will be but having him in my life made me want to be a better person and live for Christ even more.

Throughout these past few months, people have told me how inspired they are by my story and by my blogs.  That blows me away because I've never thought of myself as a deep person or a great writer.  I just say what's on my mind, whether it's a slightly deep analogy or a little bit of dark humor.  But I feel I'm living proof that God can use anyone to shed His light and share His promises.  I used to think that God could never use a horrid person like me because He only uses "the good people" who work in ministry and do their quiet times every single day.  He wouldn't use an "average and sinful" girl like me, I'm not good enough.  Turns out, I'm no different than the pastor next door but I'm also no different than anyone in the local jail.  We're all sinners, we all mess up, but God loves us to the end and He's ready to trust and use any of us to do His will if we allow Him to.