Help Me Find It

Talk about taking a leap of faith!  Ten days ago, I was sitting in a local coffee shop with my mom, one of my childhood friends, and her mom.  I decided to check my email on my phone and the first thing that pops up is auditions for seasonal shows at Universal, Grinchmas being one of them.  I immediately showed the email to my mom and asked "can I go????"  She said she would look at some flights and see if she could find something.  Now normally, I would just let this go and just accept the fact that I wouldn't be there for those auditions.  But for me, this was not going to be just another audition.  Last year, Dave and I went to see a few of my friends perform in Grinchmas and he kept saying to me "babe, why didn't you audition for that? Look how cute you would've been!"  And at that point, we had decided to move back to Arkansas so he knew he would never get to see me "play around in Whoville" and I could tell he was mildly disappointed about that.  I have no idea why he was so hell bent on me auditioning for Grinchmas but he was for some reason so I promised him that next time I got the opportunity, I'd do it.  That afternoon in the coffee shop, the opportunity was presenting itself and I knew I had to go!  I knew there was a good chance that I wouldn't get even get a call back because there's a LOT of talented people in central Florida but I kept telling Mom that if I didn't go, I was going to regret it and I'd jump in the car and drive myself down there if I needed to.  

We both began looking at flights and thought we'd found one.  I'd fly into Orlando on Friday night and get back on Sunday afternoon.  I said that works and began asking friends in Orlando if I could stay with them and who would be willing to drive me to my audition.  The next morning, Mom texted me and said the prices went up $150.  My heart sank, I couldn't believe it  I spent the rest of the day in seclusion because I couldn't understand why God couldn't just help me out here, I wasn't doing this audition purely for myself, I was also doing it in my husband's honor.  We finally found something that was cheaper but it would require me missing one day of another theatre camp.  I immediately messaged a few people from the theatre and asked if someone could cover that first day for me.  At that point, my head was about to explode and I was feeling very anxious so I decided to go walk around the nearby park and clear my head.  That helped tremendously and better yet, when I got home, I had a message that said someone would cover for me and I had permission to go to Florida (thank you Mark and Jules!!)  I called my mom and she booked the flight for me and 24 hours later, I was on a plane to Orlando :)

I auditioned Saturday afternoon and I'm not going to lie, this one was nerve wracking.  It wasn't just another audition to me, this was something I was doing for Dave and I just wanted more than anything to make him proud.  I rehearsed my song and monologue in my head over and over again because I wanted it to be perfect.  Not to mention, I haven't done any auditions that require singing in about two years so I was kind of rusty.  Well, I walked into the audition, did my thing, and had the casting directors laughing a lot (which I wanted, both the song and monologue are supposed to be funny) so I left feeling fairly confident.  At the end, I found out that I got three callbacks, one of them being for Grinchmas!  I called my mom and texted a few friends and left on such a high, knowing that coming to Orlando was the right choice!  I had to overcome a few obstacles to get there but it happened.  This isn't the end, I need to nail the callbacks next week and hope that I'm what they're looking for.  But even if I don't get cast, I can live the rest of my days knowing that I did everything I could to fulfill one of Dave's wishes for me.  Plus, it's just always nice to get a callback, it definitely boosts one's confidence :) 

I hope this is the beginning of life finally moving upward for me and hopefully, one of these callbacks will lead to a job and back to Orlando soon.  As time goes on, I feel that my time in Arkansas is soon going to come to a close and I'll begin "Orlando: Chapter 2".  This time of my life is giving me a renewed hope, that hitting rock bottom might one day be worth it, that one day my life is going to be very very different than how I originally pictured it but it's going to be a good one.  Just think, four months ago, I could barely get out of bed and I had no desire to go on with my life and now, I can't wait to see what God has in store.  My prayer is that He will direct me on His path and I will find His will and His will alone. 

I heard this song the other day and I've heard it before but for the first time, I really listened to the words.  It perfectly describes both where I was when Dave first died and where I am today.  There's a reason why we sometimes hit "rock bottom", think of that "rock" that we hit as Christ, the Solid Rock catching us and slowly helping us get back up again.  

"Help Me Find It"

I don’t know where to go from here
It all used to seem so clear
I’m finding I can’t do this on my own

I don’t know where to go from here
As long as I know that You are near
I’m done fighting
I’m finally letting go

I will trust in You
You’ve never failed before
I will trust in You

If there’s a road I should walk
Help me find it
If I need to be still
Give me peace for the moment
Whatever Your will
Whatever Your will
Can you help me find it
Can you help me find it

I’m giving You fear and You give faith
I giving you doubt
You give me grace
For every step I’ve never been alone

Even when it hurts, You’ll have Your way
Even in the valley I will say
With every breath
You’ve never let me go

I will wait for You
You’ve never failed before
I will wait for You

If there’s a road I should walk
Help me find it
If I need to be still
Give me peace for the moment
Whatever Your will
Whatever Your will
Can you help me find it
Can you help me find it

I lift my empty hands (come fill me up again)
Have Your way my King (I give my all to You)
I lift my eyes again (Was blind but now I see)
‘Cause You are all I need

If there’s a road I should walk
Help me find it
If I need to be still
Give me peace for the moment
Whatever Your will
Whatever Your will
Can you help me find it
Can you help me find it