What To Do, What To Do

Always late at night is when my mind is suddenly active and I feel compelled to write.  I'm officially a night owl, just like my dad and grandma.  It's genetics obviously, I can't help it.

It's now been about two months since Dave passed away, which means it's been almost two months since I've been back in Fayetteville.  It's weird, it seems like time is crawling by but also going by super fast and I can't catch up.  I'm a little more established here than I was when I first came back.  I have some work lined up for this summer with a local children's theatre, I'm living in my grandma's old house, and I'm starting to get to know a couple of younger women from my Sunday School department at my parent's church.  Plus, I have found things to do throughout the week that keep me somewhat busy.  I haven't found a full time job but I'm taking that area of my life at a slow and steady pace and there are three reasons for that:

1. Everyone has suggested that I take some time to heal and take life one step at a time.  Don't take a full time job just for the sake of taking a job, it will most likely add stress to my life and I need to make sure I'm okay emotionally before I'm able to handle the stress of a full time job again.  I'm doing good financially, when you're suddenly a young widow, family and friends usually step up to help you out (thank you so much to those of you who have) so I'll be able to pay my bills, no problem :)
2. I need to take some time and visit Dave's family and my Florida friends this summer.  I obviously have left a lot unsettled there and I need to go back and deal with all of that, mostly because I still have some belongings in storage and I need to figure out what to do with them.  But I'm very very excited for all my trips this summer, the first one is coming up in just a week and a half when I go see Dave's sister and her family in Fort Lauderdale for his niece's ballet recital.  With all the cold weather we've been having here, it'll be nice to have a few beach days and Rachel and I are even taking a cooking class so maybe I'll have some cooking skills when I get back :) and my first trip to Orlando in June can't come soon enough!  I miss everyone so much and I miss the town in general.....which leads me to reason number
3. For the past three or four weeks, it's really been sinking in how much I miss Orlando and Florida in general.  I missed it a lot when I first got back but now that I've begun to collect my emotions, I think about Orlando all the time and what a special place it is to me.  Now lots of people think I moved here as a last minute decision after Dave died and that was actually not the case.  Dave and I were planning on moving here, primarily, because I thought he'd have a better shot at getting work up here in northwest Arkansas.  I had had my success in Orlando, it was now time for him to be even more successful (though he worked his butt off already).  We of course knew that being near my family would be a huge plus and it'd be nice to adjust to married life in a more family oriented town.

Well, that scenario has completely changed.  Dave is no longer with me, he's now being successful in a heavenly way and I am no longer here to adjust to married life since I'm technically single again.  The plus to me living here is I have my family with me for support.  However, I've seriously begun reconsidering my move here.  I think it was the right move maybe for this particular time of my life but I have been feeling led to go back to Orlando.  Maybe that's just God's way of telling me that I need to go visit and that my home will be back in Fayetteville.  And yes, it's very common to get homesick anywhere you live.  I got homesick for Arkansas the first few weeks that I was living in Orlando.....however, that was a different situation.  I was homesick but I also knew that I didn't want to move back, that would not be the right decision.  It's a different feeling this time around.  It's more than just missing Orlando, I seriously wonder if I left too soon and I need to go back.  I don't know if I'll ever settle there but I know that I'm supposed to live there again someday but how soon, I'm not really sure.  Dave one time made a move to Wisconsin and he said that the moment he got there, he knew that wasn't the place for him and within a few months, he moved to Orlando.  So I don't know if that same thing has happened to me or not.  All I know is that same feeling I had when I knew that UCF was the school for me is kind of happening again as far as going back to Orlando.  It's just a weird inward push that I can't describe.

Ohhhh mmmm ggggg, what to do, what to do??  Obviously, I have some things to take care of and a few commitments here in Fayetteville for awhile and I don't want to make a final decision until I know for sure what God wants me to do.  I might change my mind after my visits this summer and decide to stay.  I might say yes I want to move back but I need some more time first.  However, I'm beginning to actively seek jobs both in Fayetteville and in Orlando.  Maybe whichever job I get first will be the clear cut sign.

I'm going to give this a lot of thought and prayer, which is honestly what I should've done when I first talked to Dave about moving to Fayetteville.  I really don't know if I prayed as much about that decision or if I just went with what I wanted in life and that was that.  I will not do that this time around, this is going to be a well thought out process.  I need lots of prayers as I begin to make this decision and if anyone has any input on job opportunities in either city, please let me know!  I won't be able to start a full time job until late August but I would like to begin the search sooner than later.  And if you have any input on where you think I should go, feel free to tell me.  A few already have and I always welcome (rational) opinions from those who know me well.

 Pray that I won't go crazy making this decision, I will be comforted in whatever decision I make, and that God will just lead me down the path that He wants me to go, whether it's just down the streets of Fayetteville or down further southeast back to the beaches :)