March 8, 2013 and My Life Since

I've never really been a "blogger".  I tried it out last year but I just never felt like I had anything important to say or anything to get off my chest.  I've never felt the need to write things to express how I feel......until now.  Ever since Dave's death, many people have been encouraging me to write down my thoughts, especially when I feel like God has something to say to me.  That way, if I ever have a particularly bad day, I can go back to these entries and remember that God has been carrying me the entire time.

This entry, on the other hand, is more dedicated to informing everyone of what happened that night that Dave died, where I was, and where I am now.  Warning: this will probably be long and very jumbled!

March 8, 2013
It was Friday and the day started like most other days.  Dave had to work a double at Chili's so he got up to get ready for his first shift and I was getting ready to go have lunch with a friend.  When I was driving home from lunch, he called me and said he might not have to go in for his second shift because the hot water heater at the restaurant had busted and they were looking at having to close it down for the night.  Either way, he said he wanted me home with him so we could cuddle a bit in case he needed to go back that night.  I thought about running errands for a little while but then I decided to put those off for later and go spend time with my husband.  Boy am I glad I made that decision!  Those couple of hours weren't anything exciting, just he and I being together and loving on each other (and probably me annoying him a little bit lol).  I wish I could remember specifics of that afternoon but all I remember is that he seemed content, as was I.  At 5:30, he got ready for work and left around 5:45.  I gave him a hug and a kiss as he left and as he walked away, I yelled out "I love you" and he responded with "I love you too".  Little did I know that those would be our last words to each other.

Around 9:30, I received a call from the manager at Chili's saying he thought that Dave had had a seizure but the ambulance was there and they were "working on him".  Right away, I hung up the phone and jumped in my car and drove the longest 5 minute drive of my life.  When I got to Chili's, I saw what seemed like a million ambulances and policemen.  My heart dropped: I knew it was serious.  At that point, a sheriff pulled me over to ask me some questions and to use my phone to contact Dave's parents.  They wouldn't let me near him but I got a brief glimpse as they wheeled him out on the stretcher.  At first, I didn't understand why they seemed to be keeping me away from him at that moment.  Now I'm glad they did, that would've been my last memory of him and I think that would've scarred me for life.  After the ambulance left, the sheriff let me go and told me how to get to the hospital.  I probably shouldn't have been driving but what choice did I have?  My husband was fighting for his life and I needed to get there to be with him if he came out of his coma.  I prayed the entire way that Dave would be okay and a slight part of me thought that he really would be and we would all learn a lesson out of this.

I got to Winter Park hospital and ran into the emergency room lobby.  Right away, a nurse took me into a back room and went to get the doctor.  The doctor came out and told me what all she knew: that he had collapsed and when they checked him at Chili's, he had no pulse and wasn't breathing.  She proceeded to say that they had given him some medication but he wasn't responding to them and said the words "I don't think he's going to survive this".  I immediately went into shock and all I remember is the doctor telling me that because he's young, they will try a couple of more rounds of medication and see if that would help any.  But right away, I knew he was forever gone from my life.  The nurse suggested I call someone to come be with me and she offered to contact Dave's parents and my parents for me as I could barely talk.  I called my friend Aleah and she rushed to the hospital as fast as she could to be with me.  From that point on, everything is a blur.  Except for the first thought that entered my mind when the doctor told me that Dave had passed away: "your life is not over, it's just beginning".  I don't know why I thought that but I try and cling on to that initial thought as I go through these days.

Aleah and I stayed at Dave's parents house that night.  The next morning, I kept waking up to phone calls and text messages but I honestly didn't respond to most of them.  I knew the minute I answered the phone, the news would become real.  But once I saw that the news had spread to Fayetteville, I knew I needed to start talking to people.  That first phone call I answered was the first time in the past 14 hours that I finally cried.  The shock had worn off and the reality had hit.  But after that moment, it got easier to talk to people and I promised myself that I would not shut anyone out, these people were stepping up to show me how much they loved me and cared for me so the least I could do was talk to them.  Plus, I had decided that I was still going to make the move to Arkansas that Dave and I had planned on doing once my contract with Universal was up.  So I needed to see these people one last time.

My Facebook and phone blew up that entire week, lol.  But wow, I was blown away by how many people were reaching out to me, some I had never met and some I hadn't talked to in years.  It goes to show that when you go through rough times, you see the most amazing and caring sides of people.  The people who stuck out the most to me and our families were my coworkers/friends/second family from Universal.  I knew there was a reason God put them in my life, they are the most selfless and genuinely kind-hearted people I have ever met!  From bringing us food, to doing prayer circles at work, to starting the David Adams Memorial Fund to raise money for my well being, these amazing people went above and beyond to make sure I was going to be okay.  I don't know what I did to deserve such wonderful friends!

The visitation and memorial service were so uplifting!  Visitation was full of people during the entire three hours that we were there and it ended with Mike Conrad, former worship director at University Carillon Church where Dave played guitar for many years, picking up one of Dave's acoustic guitars that was used as decoration and leading us in "I'll Fly Away", per request of Dave's parents.  Everyone seemed to be enjoying that time and I saw tears mixed in with smiles and looks of hope.  I saw those same looks at the memorial service.  While I did cry as one would expect me to, I also laughed, a lot!  The stories I heard about the guy I loved just warmed my heart.  And what a turnout!!  About half of the people that showed up couldn't sit down and had to stand the whole time but no one seemed in a hurry to leave.  The service lasted over an hour but I didn't see or hear anyone get impatient.  All I heard was laughter and tears of joy.  We ended the service by doing an Adams family tradition: when TCU would play football and it looked like they weren't doing too well, Dave and his dad would go outside, turn around twice, and spit.  They claimed it was good luck and as Dave always said, "it's only stupid if it doesn't work".  So when we left the service, everyone went outside, turned around twice and spat.  What a David Adams thing to do :)

So now, a month has passed, I'm back in Arkansas, and I'm waiting as God tells me what to do next.  People have told me to take it one day at a time and feel how I need to feel.  If I'm sad, I feel sad.  If I'm happy, I feel happy.  If I need to be alone, I make it happen.  There's no right way to handle grief and everyone is different.  But one thing that is for sure the right thing to do is cling on to God.  He has never failed me and though I hate this part of my life, I know He won't fail me during this time either.  I miss Dave so much every day but each day does get a little bit easier.  He may not be here physically but I know he's with me all the time and I like to think that he's watching over God's shoulder as God shows me how to live the rest of my life. It's true, I have my own personal guardian angel that I need to make proud :) as I believe God told me at the hospital "your life is not over, it's just beginning."  What that entails, I don't know and why it's happening this way, I don't know.  But God doesn't give me anything that I can't handle and He's told me several times that if I just trust Him, He will provide.

Lots of people are still asking how they can help me.  First things first, absolutely no setting me up on any blind dates!! :P if God wants someone in my life, He will make it happen.  He brought Dave to me so if it's meant to happen again in the distant future, He will do it again.  And I only say that because a couple of people have mentioned it so just letting you know where I stand on that.  The next thing I need help with is finding a weekly Christian small group.  I've been going to the one at my church on Sunday mornings and I've enjoyed it a lot and want to keep going.  But I wouldn't be opposed to trying something out that meets during the week.  So if anyone has a group that they know of, message me and let me know.  You can never have too many friends when you're going through big changes :) but the biggest thing you can do is pray, not just for me but for Dave's parents and sister as well.  They are hurting just as much as I am but they also cling to God's word and we find comfort in knowing that we will see Dave again.  In the meantime, we also cling to each other.  They are the best in law family that I could ever ask for and I can't imagine going through this without all of them by my side.

If you've read all of this, power to you!  I warned yall it'd be long but I also wanted to share my story thus far.  I really am doing okay, as okay as I can be doing I think.  Thank you thank you thank you to everyone who has stuck by me and been helping me this past month.  I thank the Lord every day for the amazing support system I have!  It makes this, for lack of a better word, shitstorm of a situation just a little bit easier.

<3 Kate